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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • #146613
    J
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I actually did (re)start psychotherapy last week, to get at the root of this issue. Strong emotional attachement causes a lot of grief when things end, so I am willing to work on this – to rely more on myself and not ‘need’ a relationship like this to fill the perceived holes in myself.

    Still, right now I’m just trying to get over the loss and longing … I’m simply lovesick and heartbroken, very badly so. I’ve cut all ties and stopped all contact, over a week now. Everything I know tells me that this will work, that No Contact will reduce my feelings and longing for her over time… but it’s so hard to believe this will ever feel different.

    I guess I just want the universe to tell me “It’ll be alright J. Just stay out of touch and don’t worry and in a few months this pain will be gone.” Will it? It will, right?

    J.

    #146611
    J
    Participant

    Hey Rich,

    first of all, relax 🙂 It’s great of you to come here and it’s the right thing to share and talk about these things. You are by no means alone or very special in this regard – most people feel this way one time or another. Things are normal 🙂

    The spark for life will come when you are not chasing it or looking for it. It is there in you, has always been there and will always be there. Somewhere deep down, there is a You that is content and happy and full of courage and curiosity about life… the core of your being. Remember it. You know what it feels like. You know that it is there.

    It may be hidden, it may be ignored and not being looked at, it may have been buried under your history and thoughts and repressed feelings, but do not worry – trust it. Trust yourself to be capable of all that you are missing, because you really are and deep down you know it 🙂

    You may not know how to reconnect with that part of yourself, you may not know how to reach it… that is what therapy and competent, small, deliberate steps are there for. Use the time now, the time when work and school are not distracting you. Use the time to look at these things, face yourself and be friendly and supportive to yourself. I know the way you feel very well – and to me it always feels like trying to lure a small, frightened animal out of its hiding place. Be calm, relaxed, friendly towards it… don’t stress things. All is good already and all well feel good in the future. The good times are yet to come for you 🙂

    best,

    J.

    #146119
    J
    Participant

    I miss her so much… some hours are better than other, most are not and the mornings – like today – are worst. I wake up and miss her, miss her, miss her and it’s such a heavy load to bear.

    I’m starting to deal with the “sadness from before”, this will help me in the long term. I’m trying to be realistic about what is, I’m trying to focus on the now and not the past or future and it’s all tiny baby steps towards feeling ok at some point.

    But right now I just miss her so much. Nothing helps.

    #145089
    J
    Participant

    Thank you Luke and pinchofattitude – it helps tremendously to read from others and feel a bit of support and understanding. Makes me feel not so alone in all of this. Which does seem to be a pervasive feeling, alone, staring down this huge hole full of heartbreak that suddenly appeared. And the hole seems to whisper “You better get used to me ’cause I ain’t going anywhere soon.” Sigh.

    I find myself wanting to cry every few hours, which is hard with my two little boys around and a job to go to. When I find some quiet time to myself the tears just come. It hurts and it helps, afterwards there’s a bit of calm and quiet inside.

    And I find my brain or heart plotting escapes from the reality… “You can let her know that emails are ok…” “Just keep it relaxed and a bit distant… but you can stay in touch” “Occasional contact is ok, much better than this No and Never that you feel now”. I picture glorious reunion scenes a year down the road, after she cleaned up her life, realizes she has space and love for me still and comes rushing into my arms. I laugh about these scenes because they are so cheap and predictable… but my heart wants to believe them, wants to hang on and hold onto the tiniest shred of hope. Accepting that it is, in fact, over seems such an insurmountable task. Just over. Not over and maybe later, not over and slowly start again… just over and never again. Period. How does one accept that fact??

    It helps to know that me letting her go two days ago is still right. Anything else would have prolonged a false hope… there was and is nothing for me to gain here, now. Sometimes I also have five-minute glimpses into a seemingly alternate reality, where I see – and can briefly feel – myself being fine and ok and happy with the way things are. Where, for a few moments, I have a feeling of “This is ok.. I can just be happy if I want” and it really does feel this way for a minute or so… but then the window closes again and I just miss her and would give anything to just have her here again, with me.

    And I’m never sure how much I should let myself allow to be sad, allow myself to cry… it helps, but I don’t want to give this pain and sadness too much undue space, maybe.

    Reading the blogs and forums here helps a lot. As do your responses here, so thank you.

    J.

    #144835
    J
    Participant

    Thank you Anita.

    An explosion of sadness if you will. It is hard to come to terms with the end of hope and future that was associated with her. I’m old and aware enough of all the strategies to cope with such heartbreak… but it still hurts bad, despite age and experience 🙂 The months ahead of me scare me, the dredging-myself-through-molasses feeling. I wanted to be happy, together.

    Well. My life holds many other things and they will serve their role and help in getting me through this. Nothing compares and everything pales though.

    I guess what I need is the *feeling* not the *knowledge* that this will get better. If know that it will, but that does not help one iota. All I can think of is her and I cannot belive that this will change, even though I know it will.

    Love’s a bummer.

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