Hi Sarah,

First off, it sounds like you’ve been through a really tough time. The whole relationship sounds like it must have taken alot from you, the intensity of how it started and ended.

You say you “have trust issues and kept being paranoid that he’d go off [you] since basically [you] think he is too good for [you].” You also said that you attempted to discuss these things with him, but felt that he didn’t understand. From this example, and the example about the toothbrush at the bar, I can tell that you have very strong feelings about feeling secure about someone’s feelings for you, feeling reassured that things are solid and can last. You say you wanted to take things slow, but from the way you write, it sounds like that’s not what happened, with him messaging you constantly and asking to meet up and making strong declarations of love. These things are all fine, I guess it’s what we tend to see in the media (books and movies) about what true love is like, but they are also easy. It’s easy to throw yourself in and not consider the consequences. What’s not easy is to stand back and take your time, consider someone for who they are, listen to what they want (including how slow or fast they want to take it) and respect their feelings and needs.

You are an anxious person who needs a lot of reassurance, especially in close relationships. From what I can tell, it sounds as if this man was not overly interested in parsing your emotional needs, or discussing where they come from and what he can do to help. Let me tell you something that has been and always will be true, forever: You are good enough. Don’t tell yourself the story that this man was your knight in shining armour, the one to lead you out of your sorry existence into joy and validity. You are valid as you are, and it’s not true that he was too good for you.

Refusing to discuss a misunderstanding like the one you described is not just rude but also shows a lack of maturity, especially in a relationship which both of you assumed was going to be long term. Ghosting you at the end of the relationship, with no explanation, regardless of what happened before, is not okay. You deserved better. You deserved to hear the end of it, to have closure. You also write, and insinuate, many times, that you are trying to “not be too crazy.” Do you think you’re selling yourself short a little bit here? You reacted strongly to something that happened because you felt deeply about the relationship, which is how you explained yourself afterwards. Instead of taking you into his arms and noticing the depth of your feelings for him, he shamed you, characterised your reaction as hysterical, and stopped speaking to you.

Can i be honest here, Sarah? I think you deserve better. I know this is hard. I know you loved him a lot. I know it will take a lot of time for it to be okay. But just take that time and leave things be and let them rest. Don’t try to be less crazy, because you’re not crazy. You have a big heart and very strong emotions which are all valid and you deserve and need someone who accepts all of that. Please don’t talk down to yourself. This ended for a reason, and it will feel better with time.