My initial thought is the financial stresses I’ve been going through for some time… When I lost my dream job since the company was sold, I think that was the beginning of the downfall. Not forget the childhood traumas experienced with family issues. I think lately it’s the financial issues, failing at the suicide attempt has really set me back. Losing my house, my girl of 20 years, years of partying (have been sober for three years)….

I’m trying to focus on getting out of the horrible rut. I don’t know who tot ask for help. Those I thought I could goto were not up to the task. I can’t and won’t hold it against them, they just don’t know what to do either. I still love them more than words can tell.

I think if my financial difficulties went away would I be happy. I’m not sure that is the resolution. Is it medication, not to sure of that either as I’ve tried meds in the past. Helped for a whole then they didn’t.

I’m currently filing for bankruptcy to eliminate the mountain of debt I’ve accrued. Fresh start financially, have to sell the house before that can happen, and selling is not going so well. I can see the bright spots. Well, maybe bright spots, but I still am “who cares”. I don’t want to do it anymore. I feel as though there’s too much wrong with me to get back on track… I’m lazy, I’d don’t want to do it. I’ve got no drive. I’m so tired.