Hi Matt –

I think it’s possible that you are too close to the situation and not looking at it as wholly as you could be. Indulge me for a moment with what I see as the situation; your now girlfriend engaged in an affair with an old friend who was in a relationship because she was lonely and he was not in a great place mentally. The affair progressed to the point where the old friend wanted to change his relationship status to include your girlfriend (while presumably getting rid of the other girl, but who knows if he wanted them both?).

You spend a lot of time talking about how his mental space affects your girlfriend, but the obvious question to me is: Why did your girlfriend think it’s ok to have an affair with a dude in a relationship because she was lonely?! You may have an answer to this question, or you might not have asked it yet, but in either event I would spend waaaaaay less time focusing on this old friend and more time focusing on the actions of someone who is now included in your life in a very intimate way. I realize love makes us assume the best in people, and it’s very difficult to differentiate between what someone does and how they make us feel. But brother I gotta be honest and say that the mere fact that your now girlfriend was involved in that situation at all is a result of her actions and her reasoning process. She clearly at some point thought what she was doing was fine – and/or justified it in some way, shape or form to herself. She was a willing participant in a lie that (sounds like) destroyed a relationship (either in part or in full) and contributed to bringing two people down low so she could feel better about herself. Now I don’t know this girl, nor do I need to really – this might sound harsh, but this is also a 100% honest, first-impression reaction to your story.

Bottom line – don’t worry about the friend, spend more time talking to your girlfriend about how she conducted herself and how she co-created the situation she now finds herself in.

My 100% honest advice – dump her, cheaters don’t change in my experience. Life’s too short to deal with someone who cannot control themselves.

All the best,

Mike

I think what Anita is saying in her last post is not that the relationship is in the past, but that there are too many years of negative feelings attributed to the other person to walk back from.

You mentioned the fact that when you met you were dealing with some pretty intense emotions from your son’s bio-dad and that your husband took the brunt of that anger. So i ask you this, what was your relationship dynamic? And is it possible to get something back that maybe never really existed in the first place? My point here is simply to say that there are layers and layers of hurt that both of you have contributed in building, and at some point peeling back those layers becomes too painful and raw, re-opening old wounds and picking at scars and scabs. Perhaps the best thing to do wouldn’t be to peel those layers back trying to un-do the hurt, but focus on the fact that there’s too much pain there to salvage and try and move forward into a friendly co-parenting type arrangement.

Perhaps the two of you are better off seeking happiness without each other?

Hey man,

First off let me just say that I relate to your story 110%! My ex girl did very much the same thing to me, except she didn’t run off with the guy I had suspicions about, turns out she strung him along too! Now she’s with some next guy and they live in the UK!

As far as the pain goes I have very little advice for getting rid of it – as I am still coping with some residual pain and heartbreak as well (we broke up almost 2 years ago). Here are some of my thoughts about your situation:

Her actions first and foremost, are NOT a reflection on you! She is clearly an unstable and unsettled individual who is acting recklessly and selfishly. She is only concerned with making HERSELF feel better, and you my unfortunate friend happened to be caught in the crossfire. You acted in a direct and honest way, by saying (among other things) that if she wasn’t happy she should leave and communicating your need for more emotional commitment from her clearly. Thus there was no ambiguity about what you may have wanted from the relationship – SHE refused to provide these commitments and I daresay manipulated you into believing something that would serve her purposes. I understand just how devastated you are; you were bargaining in good faith and you expected her to as well and she didn’t – I repeat that’s a reflection on her.

As for her “being happy with someone else” – I would seriously challenge that notion. Although your anxiety and sadness wants you to believe that she is happy with this new guy, she was obviously a master manipulator who used people to soothe emotional wounds. Therefore there is no logical reason to believe that she is any better off with this next guy then she was with you – presumably things were “happy” for a time with the two of you, and she will repeat this phase with this next guy, however the shine will wear off, her emotions may change, or she may find someone knew who excites her in ways he can’t. Maybe he’s clingy, maybe he’s a cheater, maybe she’s a cheater? You simply don’t know what is happening in the lives of others and I think for you that is a blessing.

My advice, for the time being focus on yourself!! Absolutely cut off contact with her and expunge her from your life, leave no trace of this selfish, manipulative woman standing; she simply didn’t exist. Keep pursuing the gym, your hobbies and your goals, better yourself in every way because if she doesn’t rue the day she treated you poorly now, eventually she will. Right now you have two options; give in to the pain, roll over and die, or use it to better yourself, establish boundaries and re-invent this area of your life into something that is comfortable and serves YOU! You are NOT wrong for feeling hurt and betrayed, you were (in almost every sense) I mean for God sake she took advantage of post coital cuddles to drop bombs FFS!! Allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to mourn, just don’t set up shop there friend. Eventually the pain will lessen as you process and cry out these emotions.

I am SO SORRY you went through this man! But know that you have someone who believes in you out there! Keep your head up, and remember: This too shall pass.

Hope your day gets better bud! Cheers.

-Mike