Hello all,

My girlfriend of a month was caught up in a some pretty heated drama, and she feels horribly about it. Before she dated me she had been fooling around/ had a thing with an old friend of mine. It was immediately regarded as a mistake by her, but she found herself making it again and again (people are lonely creatures). Eventually she realized it had gone on too far when our mutual friend told her he was breaking up with his girlfriend to pursue a relationship with her, but she shot it down. He then became deeply depressed (he was before – he is very mentally unstable and has severe anxiety and depression), became a drug dealer (I think he was planning on becoming one anyway), and then the added stress and paranoia associated with dealing drugs, along with him feeling sad for tanking a very healthy relationship with a girl who loved him very much (she was willing to marry him) for a woman who did not return his feelings, has made him pretty darn low. About as low as I’ve seen in the 5+ years I’ve known him.

And so my girlfriend feels horribly because she feels partially responsible for his circumstances. As the woman my friend cheated on his girlfriend with (serial cheater and a long history of self sabotage), I think her guilt is understandable. However, I strongly feel that she shouldn’t feel responsible for the actions of an erratic person. His irrationality and shortsightedness is in no way her fault. If he was willing to cheat and throw someone who loved him to the curb, her function as a catalyst should minimize the blame. I feel like my love and adoration for her might be causing me to see her in a better light, but she rejected him numerous times, made it clear she didn’t want a relationship, and then he made moves anyway. He shot himself in the foot – she’s a victim of loneliness in my mind.

She had been interested in me for quite some time (we both perceived the other as a “dead option” so no moves were made), but we never really had a chance to get to know each other until about two weeks after that event. We immediately hit it off and fell in love shortly after. She said she didn’t normally date guys, but she couldn’t stay away I suppose. She wants to be with me, and I want her around as long as she’s willing – but our mutual friend constantly messages her about how lonely he is, or how he doesn’t really have anyone close now, or how he misses them sleeping together. It’s causing her huge amounts of stress and guilt and I don’t know how to help her. I offer advice and comfort, but I just wish there was something more I could do.

She’s teased the idea of never talking to him again, but they are good friends and she does like talking to him, but he’s making it hard to be “friends” because he keeps trying to win her back. I’ve known him for years and we were good friends, but I feel angry/ frustrated with him all the time because he wants sympathy because of how sad he is but everything he’s sad about in his life is directly a result of his shortsighted actions. And also he keeps trying to sleep with my girlfriend so that’s kind of fucked up.

I love and accept everyone with open arms, but sometimes doing the Zen thing is hard (wow who’da thought).

Sorry for the wall of text, any wisdom is appreciated,
Matt