Dear Anita,

Thank you so much, I really love your reply !

Have you ever had a hard time to get over something (bad) you did to someone ?

And how do you deal with the thoughts that imply that I shouldn’t be happy because of it ?

Thank you in advance

Hello 🙂

It’s been a while since I last came here.

I wanted to thank you again for all of your advice. That really helped me 🙂

I reread this thread many times, and it’s been a huge inspiration for me. So thank you !

I finally ended my friendship with my former best friend. That is probably the hardest thing I have ever done but it’s for the best I think.

We have many friends in common, so I still run into her once in a while but that doesn’t bother me.

Regarding the guilt which was the main topic, I am doing much better and I really think of my mistake as a learning experience, something that allows me to grow. I admit that sometimes, it’s a bit hard and I still judge myself harshly for it but overall the situation has improved.I just try to focus on the present and be the best person I can

Lately however, it’s been more difficult probably because it’s the same time of the year, so I am reminded of what I did.

What bothers me is that sometimes I find myself thinking that I deserve some kind of punishment (karma maybe ?).

For example, I am taking a huge exam in 2-3 weeks, I have been studying really hard for the last 2 years to achieve my goals but those thoughts disrupt me and make me feel like I kind of deserve to fail anyway after what I have done. It’s pretty annoying because I can’t study properly

I don’t know if anyone has experienced the same thing ? How do you deal with these thoughts ? Thank you ! 🙂

Dear Anita,

No problem, thank you for your help 🙂

Here is the answer I gave :

I will try to explain how the relationship has deteriorated. I am sorry if it is too long, I am trying to do my best to expose the situation properly.

I have known her for over 10 years ago.

She has many great qualities, I trust her completely, we are really supportive to one another and we never argue. I know she has some insecurities : she’s very possessive so she feels threatened when I meet someone because she doesn’t like to “share” her friends with someone, especially if she judges he’s “not worth it” and she has a fear of abandonment. She has a big personality

To set the context, 6 years ago, we were both trying to enter med school but I was the only one who succeeded :/ I was very very sad for her and did everything I could to help her. She was happy for me me (she still is) but never gave up and she has spent the last 6 years trying to get another degree that could allow her to access med school in third year (that’s how it works in my country, sorry if that’s confusing). Unfortunately it didn’t work so she’s planning to study abroad. She never met any of my friends in med school because that depressed her, and i noticed she was kind of jealous when i mentioned them.

Our friendship was fine until september 2017. It was tense sometimes and I felt like walking on eggshell because she would get upset if I mentioned her attempts to get in med school or outraged if I said something about someone who left the school … Apart from that, the friendship was great. She was always here for me if I had any personal problem, etc

Last september I started dating a guy who became shortly after my first boyfriend. Due to my studies, I only got to see him once a week and at the time, I was living with my best friend.

I admit, I did some mistakes, I struggled to manage my time and I had to cancel going out with my best friend because I had a lot of work. But in the other hand, I was still seing the guy once a week. I had (and still have  ) a lot of insecurities about my body, so being in a relationship freaked me out completely and she was there to reassure me everytime I panicked.

But she started to be really annoyed I would find time to go out with him and not her so, at some point in november, she bursted into tears saying she “had been hugely disappointed at me”, that “she was proud of herself because she handled well the fact I had a boyfriend, but she felt like I was taking her for granted and she didn’t want to be sacrificed.”. She stated I should have know she wasn’t okay because she was stressed that she wouldn’t manage to get in med school

I apologised to her, I explained her I was going through a lot of thing and that the only reason I started to go out with her less often, was that I was already living with her in the same apartment so I got to see her everyday.

She said that she was ready to forgive me because she still thought I was a good person, but if I was someone else, she would have cut me out of her life. She knew I hadn’t done her wrong in purpose, but she said she “didnt care”.She explained that she was no longer willing to listen to anything I had to say about my boyfriend and that I would have to talk to someone else but she was still here for me regarding any other issues.

Some months later, I got dumped. He was tired of me not getting enough time to see him .I talked to my sister, another close friend of mine and I got a therapist to get through all the usual sadness and distress that comes after a break up.

At some point, I did say to her we broke up and she replied “okay, sorry. Unfortunately I will not be able to comfort you, but i am sure you can find someone to talk to”

I don’t know, maybe I am being incredibly selfish here but I don’t understand her reaction and I feel disappointed too. Those events damaged our friendship. We still talk every other day, but I don’t feel like opening to her anymore. Regarding her studies, I have been here for her because she had a lot of exams in may/april and she went through a stressful period. My break up was in march and she never asked how I was doing, not even once. I think I resent her for that, but again, I don’t know if that is selfish of me.

I just didn’t think our frienship was like that :/ If I felt temporarily neglected by a friend because she had a boyfriend and it was all “shiny and new”, I would have been confident she would come back to me at some point. So I think I would just have backed off, and find others friends to hang out with before she came back. I don’t know if that makes sense ?

And if she was going through a break up, I surely hope I would have been here for her

I don’t know how she feels about that though,, but for me the friendship is not the same.”

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Naia.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Naia.

I just read this and I find it edifying :

https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/5-keys-emotional-independence-fiff/

especially those sentences : “You are responsible for your own emotions.””You are responsible for managing your own emotions” and “if you consistently experience unhealthy emotions that influence your actions, it is up to you and you alone to manage your moods to minimize their destructive impact on the people you love.”

Maybe I went through that experience to realise this ?

Dear Anita,

I am so sorry for my late reply, I was on vacation and I completely forgot to answer your questions ! I promise I will do my best to give a quick answer !

My purpose is not for you to turn against your mother. It is to get insight so that you can improve your future relationships and live a better life.

Of course I understand. I know some problems we encounter in relationships are related to the one we had with our (dominant) parent and I must say I have reflected on that in many occasions. I don’t think the relationship I had with my mom was (is) completely healthy, and we don’t get along very well these days but that’s another story.

Regarding your questions :

She put others in their place with words.

And she put me in my place with words and sometimes it was physical (i got spanked, or smacked) but I don’t think that was excessive

Dear Prash,

Thank you for your reply, I will try to explain how the relationship has deteriorated. I am sorry if it is too long, I am trying to do my best to expose the situation properly.

I have known her for over 10 years ago.

She has many great qualities, I trust her completely, we are really supportive to one another and we never argue. I know she has some insecurities : she’s very possessive so she feels threatened when I meet someone because she doesn’t like to “share” her friends with someone, especially if she judges he’s “not worth it” and she has a fear of abandonment. She has a big personality

To set the context, 6 years ago, we were both trying to enter med school but I was the only one who succeeded :/ I was very very sad for her and did everything I could to help her. She was happy for me me (she still is) but never gave up and she has spent the last 6 years trying to get another degree that could allow her to access med school in third year (that’s how it works in my country, sorry if that’s confusing). Unfortunately it didn’t work so she’s planning to study abroad. She never met any of my friends in med school because that depressed her, and i noticed she was kind of jealous when i mentioned them.

Our friendship was fine until september 2017. It was tense sometimes and I felt like walking on eggshell because she would get upset if I mentioned her attempts to get in med school or outraged if I said something about someone who left the school … Apart from that, the friendship was great. She was always here for me if I had any personal problem, etc

Last september I started dating a guy who became shortly after my first boyfriend. Due to my studies, I only got to see him once a week and at the time, I was living with my best friend.

I admit, I did some mistakes, I struggled to manage my time and I had to cancel going out with my best friend because I had a lot of work. But in the other hand, I was still seing the guy once a week. I had (and still have 🙁 ) a lot of insecurities about my body, so being in a relationship freaked me out completely and she was there to reassure me everytime I panicked.

But she started to be really annoyed I would find time to go out with him and not her so, at some point in november, she bursted into tears saying she “had been hugely disappointed at me”, that “she was proud of herself because she handled well the fact I had a boyfriend, but she felt like I was taking her for granted and she didn’t want to be sacrificed.”. She stated I should have know she wasn’t okay because she was stressed that she wouldn’t manage to get in med school

I apologised to her, I explained her I was going through a lot of thing and that the only reason I started to go out with her less often, was that I was already living with her in the same apartment so I got to see her everyday.

She said that she was ready to forgive me because she still thought I was a good person, but if I was someone else, she would have cut me out of her life. She knew I hadn’t done her wrong in purpose, but she said she “didnt care”.She explained that she was no longer willing to listen to anything I had to say about my boyfriend and that I would have to talk to someone else but she was still here for me regarding any other issues.

Some months later, I got dumped. He was tired of me not getting enough time to see him and he said hurtful things to me

I talked to my sister, another close friend of mine and I got a therapist to get through all the usual sadness and distress that comes after a break up.

At some point, I did say to her we broke up and she replied “okay, sorry. Unfortunately I will not be able to comfort you, but i am sure you can find someone to talk to”

I don’t know, maybe I am being incredibly selfish here but I don’t understand her reaction and I feel disappointed too. Those events damaged our friendship. We still talk every other day, but I don’t feel like opening to her anymore. Regarding her studies, I have been here for her because she had a lot of exams in may/april and she went through a stressful period. My break up was in march and she never asked how I was doing, not even once. I think I resent her for that, but again, I don’t know if that is selfish of me.

I just didn’t think our frienship was like that :/ If I felt temporarily neglected by a friend because she had a boyfriend and it was all “shiny and new”, I would have been confident she would come back to me at some point. So I think I would just have backed off, and find others friends to hang out with before she came back. I don’t know if that makes sense ?

And if she was going through a break up, I surely hope I would have been here for her

I don’t know how she feels about that though,, but for me the friendship is not the same.

“

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Naia.

Dear Gunter,

Thank you for your reply !

“I also get the impression that you felt extremely disappointed that your friend resented your happiness”, that’s accurate. I could explain the events that seriously damaged our frienship and eventually that led to that resentment if you are interested ? I don’t know if my feelings are legitimate and an external perspective could be helpful !

“you didn’t know how to distance yourself from her. I have the feeling you did what you did because you wanted to force an end to the relationship.” Indeed, I may have done that unconsciously to try to end the frienship because I didn’t have the courage to tell her abruptly that I didn’t want to be her friend anymore. But it is such a cowardly act :/

Thank you very much for the good advice, I will really do my best to learn from it and not repeat the same mistake again

How did you manage to forgive yourself after you made mistakes ?

Thanks to everyone here, I feel much better and I think I am on the right path, so thank you all 🙂

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your time, you seem like a benevolent person 🙂

I don’t know if I have the courage to tell her. I think I will just drift away, if that is okay. I haven’t been sharing much with her anymore, we barely talk and I don’t make many efforts to see her. So I guess I have already started to drift away :/

Thank you, they made sure I would not do to others what I would not want them to do to me.

Well, I have been thinking and no, I wouldn’t say they (especially my mother) made me feel like my feelings were important as well.

For example, even though she was supporting me and she did say their behavior was really wrong, she also made me feel like I had my share of responsability because I was not firm and strong enough to confront those kids. She asserted that if I wasn’t afraid and if I faced them properly, they would probably stop. I don’t know if that is true, but I don’t think it is relevant to blame a bullied kid. But of course, she had great qualities otherwise