Anita –

I am not sure how all this online stuff works, but I get the feeling that I’m blowing up this thread on a conversation between just the two of us. I’m happy if you want to continue to talk in this manner, but I did set up a temporary email account if you wanted to exchange legitimate information there…ie. my real email, cell #, blood type. It’s needsomehelp45@gmail.com. Hopefully, I remember the password 🙂 If that does not make you comfortable, I understand.

I have made contact with someone in NYC to help wake up early in the morning to meditate, run and pray before each day, and even though I’ve never met the individual, his commitment to me and some inspiring stories he has shared have really started to change certain aspects of my life. We text each other every morning. We met through a website called “partners in grind” which is now defucnt…but it’s still great to be in touch with him. Has pulled me through some very difficult moments in my life…and it was nice to hear that I have inspried him as well!

Being brought up as a Christian, the saying “what you do to the least of mine you do unto Me.” has great meaning for me. although, I have yet to put it into action. So, I need help with that. I completely agree, that there is little that one person can do for another and vice versa…but maybe the collective help from many people could change a person…?

Another thought I have been considering…because life is generally hectic, I feel the need to stop being afraid of being alone, and actually embrace it as an opportunity to improve myself. That is, fix up the house, learn a new skill, read a book, contribute time to a good cause. So, instead of looking at my calendar, seeing that Friday night is open, fearing it all week. I could change my perspective and say…well, I think I will use that time to work on the financials of the not for profit that I have been putting off for so long! Sure, it’s not hanging out with friends at a club, that we have all been so trained to believe is a normal activity…but when I do not have custody of the kids…alone time can sometimes be limiting, and I really think I need to embrace rather than fear the alone time. Kind of like last night. Am I blowing it out of proportion? It was one night I skied alone…there will be other nights that I will join with the family that invited me, and I will be on the other side of the fence…with maybe someone else who is skiing alone…looking at me, thinking that I have friends and my life together.

When you wrote that you need others to love you in order to love yourself…that was quite contrary to what everyone else has been telling me. Everyone has stated, love yourself first, then others will love you…so I struggle a little on this point.

I am certainly a very emotional person for being a accountant…and certainly need to improve my emtional IQ. I have to say, that although I have been selfishly fixating on my own concerns…I’m incredibly happy to hear that it helps you in your own way…

On a side note…I’ve traveled to Vancouver (spectacular), Seattle (love it…but agree that I am not the city type, so the visit was much better), Portland, the Bay area cities, Monteray, Hollywood, LA, and San Diego. I just love that part of the country…each so unique in their own way! I’d much rather have the rain than the snow!

Anita – thank you, I did read your post. Those painful feelings are slowly starting to go away…it’s not that I don’t want to post what I am feeling…I just feel like I’ve let a lot out and am kind of wiped out! Almost like letting it out is allowing me to bear being with myself for another few moments in life. OK, there I go…starting to cry again! 🙂 All that keeps coming to mind right now is how much I wish a person like you were sitting next to me right now. You are too kind, that it’s almost unbelievable. And, I almost don’t want to believe it because I am so afraid that I will not be able to draw people like you into my life…like literally juxtapose to me. It’s almost bittersweet…to find so many wonderful people online, but not in real life. And the people who are in your life, are not like the ones online.

So all of this is like a wonderful fairy tale. But, I have to get back to reality. How do I start changing my life so I actually do start surrounding myself with people like you?! And, ultimately solve the puzzle in my original question…will I ever have any friends?

Then there is this part of me that blames people. For example, because I am suffering, I put the blame on others that I think should have been able to help me. Not one of my girlfriends is still my friend. I think it may be because I can so easily find a flaw in others because I am so good at finding flaws in myself.

My second girlfriends finally gave up on me when I let the depression get the better of me and was not kind to her, was removed from her, and others noticed it when we were around them.

Then there is the situation last night. The individual that got me to get skiing passes for the season to join him and his family was not available last night to ski. So, I get quiet…and I think I may have been blaming him for my lonely night of skiing. I certainly am still going to talk to him and try again. But, there is definitely a side of me that wants to blame him for what happened last night.

I get hurt by people easily…and, because I am ‘nice’, I don’t confront them…I show my pain in passive ways…like distancing myself from them, acting unusual or quiet…

this thought just came to me as I was getting ready for my run…so I thought I would post…

So, not only do the people around me have to deal with my persistent pessimism…they have to walk on pins and needles just to make sure they don’t hurt my feelings. So, why would anyone want to wake up with a person like me? I think I deserve what’s been coming to me.

Also, when sitting there alone last night…it just brought back the feelings of middle and high school, when some years I would sit at lunch completely alone. Eventually, I changed a little and got enough courage to join people at tables. But, I definitely spent a good part of my childhood years alone.

Anita –

OK, here I go. I am in so much pain right now.

Last night, I went skiing, alone. I called the only two people that would potentially come with me and they had other plans. I was so focused on the skiing conditions that I forgot that I was alone. But, when I was in the lodge…sitting by the fire. I realized…I was the only one there without family or friends.

I’m crying so hard right now…

I woke up this morning in pain. I hate waking up alone. In no way do I mean this sexually…but, deep down inside, I wish one of you lived down my street…that I could meet you…that I could turn around and wake up to you every day. That I didn’t have to wait for someone to post to this string to feel loved again. That there was truly someone in my life that could give me the strength to keep going when I am so weak. But you all probably live in China or California and I will never get to meet you.

As much as I know I have to love myself before I see any improvement…deep down I know I can’t…deep down I feel that if I love myself, I’m really not going to end up with a friend or a soulmate. And maybe it’s because of the uncertainty of how the situation will end up, that I don’t try loving myself. How can I guarantee that I will not end up in this awful apartment sitting around just loving myself…and still end up alone? How can I love myself, when my sub conscience mind is already beating me over my head, hating myself!

I want friends…but no matter how many people post different ways of loving myself before I can get a friend. Deep down…I feel it’s not going to work.

Any time I show my emotion to anyone…the relationship or the situation always ends. It always has. I don’t know why I keep drawing people to a web forum. I wish I could do the same in real life!

This is my freaking reality. I am going to spend the better half of this day trying to pull myself out of pain. The pain that I am stupid. The pain that I am alone. The pain that I will lose my job and end up on the street. The pain that my kids are going to grow up and I am eventually going to be even more alone (the only reason they love me is because I’m there dad…they don’t have a choice). I’m not going to spend the day trying to improve my apartment, even though I want to. And I’m going to end the day exhausted. Trying to fall asleep to some meditation or watching a movie…and have yet again taken another step back in my life. Going to bed praying to God that I don’t have to face another day. Because every day I wake, I know I’m going to fail at achieving what I want. And I’m selfish…because I don’t get out of my damn house and help other people in need…even though I want to…the damn depression gets in the way…I don’t even know the first place to go to where I could volunteer my time…plus, what could I possibly give to someone else. I HAVE NOTHING TO GIVE, I’M A FREAKING WASTE!

The only gift I possess is the ability to take someone’s attempt at making me feel better, ripping it apart, completely disproving it will work, and casting it aside…like I am doing with all of you.

I love being nice…I love it. And I wish I had someone to be nice to…but no one can get close enough to me because of who I am.

So, that’s the real me…and with all the help that everyone has tried to give me in this post…I can’t implement any of it. And, now all their efforts, all their time spent reaching out to me…has gone in vain. They must be as frustrated as everyone in my life has been. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard “There is nothing I can do to help you…nothing I say has been able to help you so far, and it never will.” It’s exhausting to love me, damn near impossible. Because when I am nice…I also always share my pain.

I can’t stop crying…I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, and I’m scared, shaking, alone (I absolutely hate the word ‘alone’)…where is God? where is peace? I think I’m doomed…that no matter what I do or anyone else does…I’m a lost cause…

That’s the real me. I’m never going to find the cure. That’s the real me that I have to hide behind a shell. Because I am a pessimist by nature…nothing else lives deep within me…just a kindness that I want to show the world without getting laughed at…a kindness that actually drew people to me rather than chased them away. Ugh…I’m so weak right now…just want to give up. I can’t even call my kids now, because I can’t stop sobbing…oh God, oh somebody…anyone…there has to be a cure!

I’m so sorry…

VJ –

Very insightful. Thank you. I need to read all these posts over and over again. As much as the concept makes sense, implementing these concepts in my life is the challenge. I will take what you and others have said and seriously take it to heart and learn to grow from this experience.

RamoneJoseph

Wow, I read the first few lines in the book…this is certainly going to be an interesting read…thank you for the recommendation!

BTW, not that it matters, but my original name on this post was needsomehelp, and it was changed to LookingForFriends. How is that possible?

I’m going to start reading on my lunch…thank you so much! Wait, maybe I’m saying thank you too much and being too nice…lol…guess I’ll find out 🙂

Nina –

I cannot tell you how much I have been thinking about this statement that you shared:

“I must say your description of what you in a friend is rather beautiful actual. It’s so simple and can be easily found at the right places with a little bit of effort. You essentially want quality companionship, not emotional intimacy per say. That is something you appear to crave with a romantic partner, a future spouse. In simple terms, you want good, solid, down to earth people who are kind. They are out there actually no matter how materialistic and superficial the world seems at times. The funny thing is, a lot of people actually seek this very bonding you described.”

So, my question. If this is so simple and can be easily found…why can’t I find it…and if I do, why do I constantly fail at keeping those relationships. You painted a picture of ease in achieving this goal. But, to me, achieving this is harder than running a marathon or climbing a mountain. It is so hard for me…so how do I make it easy, as it appears that most people truly find ease in making such relationships?

I’m crying right now thinking about how I may never achieve this…and if I don’t achieve this, I think it lays a huge obstacle for finding the soulmate I so desperately seek. Who wants to date or get close with a person who lacks the capabilities of making and maintaining these relationships.