Dear Anita,

My partner and I finally moved out. We were suppose to earlier but there were a lot of issues with the house which kept delaying the move but it has finally happened. And during all this, there was a lot of moving, unpacking, and settling that needed to be done. But unfortunately, a few days before the move, there was a big fight with my family, well mostly between my dad and I. I will continue to explain but first will address your reply.

Yes, the points you mentioned about my mother’s nature has put many questions in my mind. It is sad for me to sometimes acknowledge the truth because I want to believe there is still good left in our relationship but it has slowly diminished. It is only good when interactions are less, and it causes me a lot of pain but at this point, there is not much else I can do. And I feel to keep the relationship of what we still have somewhat alive, I must move forward and maintain boundaries. This is a lot easier said than done.

I do still think my family loves me, but perhaps the way they have shown me love over the past years has not been in the best of my interest. I know for a large part it is all unintentional and they still live in their bubble of what they did was best, but I have to believe that there is still love there, just not the way I would want it to be. For example, they have always financially provided me with the best, but in other aspects, my mental health has greatly suffered.

I also feel I am always the person that ends up being the easy one for my parents to argue with and hold a grudge against. For example, the most recent fight, did not involve me, but because I stood up for an important household member, I was the one at the end being blamed for. And now my dad has been holding an attitude with me, and wants me to apologize, when I truly feel I did nothing wrong. I. have apologized many times in the past to keep things peaceful at home, and within myself, but this time I cannot apologize for standing my ground against aggression. I cannot tolerate such things.

It bothers me less now that my partner and I have moved out, we are starting a new chapter and things between us are starting to return to normal (the happy us). And I feel so loved because of him everyday.

But there are still moments in the day where I feel very sad. Sad because I want to have a good relationship with my parents, but feeling tired and hopeless because I do not know how to continue. I feel I always get the short end of the stick with them. They will all sort it out between themselves, and then just blame me until I apologize. It really mentally affects me and I am trying to move past it. And their behavior sometimes makes me feel as if I am wrong, and unworthy, and undeserving of love. This is where therapy, I hope, will be helpful. I am slowly settling into a routine, and then I will start therapy.

I hope all is well with you, Anita.

Love,

Neera

Hello Anita and Tee,

Thank you both for your thoughtful responses. Much appreciated!

I would like to address both your responses in this post:

Dear Anita,

Yes, it is great my partner and I have improved our communication styles. However, I think living at home with my family is causing some issues in our relationship. It is more to do with communication again. I am noticing we are both becoming more irritable and lashing out at each other about small things which is unusual. I feel a lot of this is really because we are not in our own space so it is hard. And once we want to resolve things, it is difficult because my family does not give us the space. We did have a talk this morning about needing to have a conversation about improving our communication style again, but I think it is best to do this once we move out since right now we do not have the same privacy to do so.  We both have acknowledged our irritability and our doing some personal reflections in the meantime on how we can avoid such arguments. Do you have any other suggestions on what we can do?

I do think my mom is unconsciously upset that she is no longer my number one. Especially because my time is divided between so many things. I am saddened by this because I would love to spend more time with her but I also need to focus on other priorities at the moment especially for the sanity of my mental health. And the hard part is that I try to have a conversation about this with her but she is always in denial and the conversation turns quickly on all the things I am supposedly doing wrong, and how it is all my fault. It is useless.

Dear Tee,

I believe you have correctly identified the parts I have been scared to admit myself. I did see my mom as a victim growing up. And the more I learned about domestic violence in school, the more I wanted to free her, but I did not know how. So I tried to be the partner for her that she needed, trying to be perfect and eventually it did wear me out.

Yes, you are right. A huge part of me wants her to see all the hurt still in me but there is no point because we cannot see eye to eye. For her, she was a young, naive girl who got married to a person that was not right for her and it changed her world perspective. My mother has gone through a lot in her marriage and even in childhood. And this is something I do greatly empathize with her on. Especially the culture we come from, it is not easy and it has damaged the happy person she used to be.

I suppose the best way for me to heal is therapy because the more I try for her to see what she did was wrong, and how what she is doing now is still wrong, the more strain it puts in our relationship. I am realizing that as unfortunate as it is, for me to have a healthy relationship with my mom, the conversations must be minimal, and my responses must also be minimal. I cannot express myself or explain myself because there is no point. I need to find a way to vent out my anger that is away from my childhood environment, and hopefully that can bring me to peace with reality.

Thank again to the both of you so much. Looking forward to your responses.

Take care,

Neera

Dear Anita,

Thank you for replying!

I notice your response to other members as well, so kind of you to take the time out of your day to help others.

I did not realize it until you wrote it in your post that yes, perhaps because the fights still happen I feel this way. Sometimes even when my partner and I have minor disagreements, I assume the worst and my anxiety kicks in. My partner has recognized this and so we actively work together on having fewer disagreements. This has helped me calm down.

I currently live with my partner. I moved out of my home almost a year ago. I started living with my partner 9 months ago. The issue is that I still live close to my family. I still visit nearly twice a week. Mostly because I have a younger sister and I want to spend time with her. But being at home I feel anxious and I have noticed that the days I am at home or when I return I am particularly more anxious. The problem is that I do not know when my family will have no fights at all. It has become better but I do not think it will ever disappear. I love them so much and I want to be there for my sister especially since she is still a minor. But I do not know how to have this balance. I do not know how to calm myself when the thoughts take over. And because of this, I fear it is affecting my relationship with my partner since when I am anxious I am overly sensitive and then even the smallest of things mentally affect me.

Thank you once again.