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Neera

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #409529
    Neera
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    Yes, I would tell my mother from a very young age to become more independent. To seek professional guidance/support. To leave my dad because it was mentally affecting the entire family. I would provide resources, and seek other family members for her support. But she never could. She always says its because of my sister and I that she stayed but now that we are much older, much more independent, and she still chooses to stay, I am not sure I believe her when she said it was for us. Maybe at some point it was, but when you see it does more damage to the household than good, it’s time to leave.

    The change in dynamic happened very recently. Mostly because my mom has really learned what things not to discuss with my dad, and my dad has somewhat gotten better in terms of being less angry. Fights still occur but not nearly as often. I feel they have gotten much better at walking on eggshells around one another.

    My partner has been a blessing for me. Our time together makes me very happy, and I hope as more time passes, the sadness I feel because of my relationship with my parents will become less.

    I hope you are doing well, Tee. Thank you again and hope to hear from you soon 🙂

    Love,

    Neera

     

    #409527
    Neera
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    My partner and I finally moved out. We were suppose to earlier but there were a lot of issues with the house which kept delaying the move but it has finally happened. And during all this, there was a lot of moving, unpacking, and settling that needed to be done. But unfortunately, a few days before the move, there was a big fight with my family, well mostly between my dad and I. I will continue to explain but first will address your reply.

    Yes, the points you mentioned about my mother’s nature has put many questions in my mind. It is sad for me to sometimes acknowledge the truth because I want to believe there is still good left in our relationship but it has slowly diminished. It is only good when interactions are less, and it causes me a lot of pain but at this point, there is not much else I can do. And I feel to keep the relationship of what we still have somewhat alive, I must move forward and maintain boundaries. This is a lot easier said than done.

    I do still think my family loves me, but perhaps the way they have shown me love over the past years has not been in the best of my interest. I know for a large part it is all unintentional and they still live in their bubble of what they did was best, but I have to believe that there is still love there, just not the way I would want it to be. For example, they have always financially provided me with the best, but in other aspects, my mental health has greatly suffered.

    I also feel I am always the person that ends up being the easy one for my parents to argue with and hold a grudge against. For example, the most recent fight, did not involve me, but because I stood up for an important household member, I was the one at the end being blamed for. And now my dad has been holding an attitude with me, and wants me to apologize, when I truly feel I did nothing wrong. I. have apologized many times in the past to keep things peaceful at home, and within myself, but this time I cannot apologize for standing my ground against aggression. I cannot tolerate such things.

    It bothers me less now that my partner and I have moved out, we are starting a new chapter and things between us are starting to return to normal (the happy us). And I feel so loved because of him everyday.

    But there are still moments in the day where I feel very sad. Sad because I want to have a good relationship with my parents, but feeling tired and hopeless because I do not know how to continue. I feel I always get the short end of the stick with them. They will all sort it out between themselves, and then just blame me until I apologize. It really mentally affects me and I am trying to move past it. And their behavior sometimes makes me feel as if I am wrong, and unworthy, and undeserving of love. This is where therapy, I hope, will be helpful. I am slowly settling into a routine, and then I will start therapy.

    I hope all is well with you, Anita.

    Love,

    Neera

    #409526
    Neera
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Tee,

    Hope you are both well 🙂

    Thank you for your responses. I am so thankful of the time you both take to write back. It has been a rollercoaster for me but things have finally settled down a bit. I would like to address my responses to each of you separately, but just want to emphasize on how much I appreciate your responses.

     

    #406927
    Neera
    Participant

    Hello Anita and Tee,

    Thank you both for your thoughtful responses. Much appreciated!

    I would like to address both your responses in this post:

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, it is great my partner and I have improved our communication styles. However, I think living at home with my family is causing some issues in our relationship. It is more to do with communication again. I am noticing we are both becoming more irritable and lashing out at each other about small things which is unusual. I feel a lot of this is really because we are not in our own space so it is hard. And once we want to resolve things, it is difficult because my family does not give us the space. We did have a talk this morning about needing to have a conversation about improving our communication style again, but I think it is best to do this once we move out since right now we do not have the same privacy to do so.  We both have acknowledged our irritability and our doing some personal reflections in the meantime on how we can avoid such arguments. Do you have any other suggestions on what we can do?

    I do think my mom is unconsciously upset that she is no longer my number one. Especially because my time is divided between so many things. I am saddened by this because I would love to spend more time with her but I also need to focus on other priorities at the moment especially for the sanity of my mental health. And the hard part is that I try to have a conversation about this with her but she is always in denial and the conversation turns quickly on all the things I am supposedly doing wrong, and how it is all my fault. It is useless.

    Dear Tee,

    I believe you have correctly identified the parts I have been scared to admit myself. I did see my mom as a victim growing up. And the more I learned about domestic violence in school, the more I wanted to free her, but I did not know how. So I tried to be the partner for her that she needed, trying to be perfect and eventually it did wear me out.

    Yes, you are right. A huge part of me wants her to see all the hurt still in me but there is no point because we cannot see eye to eye. For her, she was a young, naive girl who got married to a person that was not right for her and it changed her world perspective. My mother has gone through a lot in her marriage and even in childhood. And this is something I do greatly empathize with her on. Especially the culture we come from, it is not easy and it has damaged the happy person she used to be.

    I suppose the best way for me to heal is therapy because the more I try for her to see what she did was wrong, and how what she is doing now is still wrong, the more strain it puts in our relationship. I am realizing that as unfortunate as it is, for me to have a healthy relationship with my mom, the conversations must be minimal, and my responses must also be minimal. I cannot express myself or explain myself because there is no point. I need to find a way to vent out my anger that is away from my childhood environment, and hopefully that can bring me to peace with reality.

    Thank again to the both of you so much. Looking forward to your responses.

    Take care,

    Neera

    #406631
    Neera
    Participant

    Hello Anita and Tee,

    I am so sorry I never got an email notification of your responses, and I did not log back in to check. The following weeks of my post were quite difficult for me and in the process of coping, I forgot about this account.

    Thank you for taking the time to reply back.

    My relationship with my parents over this course of time has not gotten any better, and unfortunately, it has gotten worse with my mother.

    I will first address your previous responses to my post.

    Regarding the disagreements with me and my partner, they have become minimal. Especially how we navigate disagreements, we both have worked on our tones, our communication, and trying resolve issues without aggression.

    I tried to communicate to both my parents that fights make me anxious, and how much my mental health is affected. My dad has been better because we maintain a healthy distance. I have learned the greatest way to have a good relationship with my dad is for both of us to give each other space. And in general, we minimize talking about topics that can cause an argument. It. has become very different with my mother. The fights are now much less between the two of them but now it has gravitated towards my mom and I have major disagreements and arguments. I know for my parents there is past trauma and they have managed to provide us with a good life, but throughout all of it, especially with my mom there is this strange energy that me leaving the home has caused.

    For example, most my childhood my decisions were based around their prefereces. The older I have got and tried to make boundaries, the more resistance they (mom especially) became. I drew a boundary with my mom and her abusive tone with me, which also involved swear words and yelling. After asking her repeatedly to talk with me more calmly, and to NOT name call, it does not work. A lot of the arguments use to be around me sometimes comparing how she raised my younger sister in contrast to me. For example, they allow her more freedom as growing up since she has always been the rebellious one. She never gets as angry at her then me, there have always been so many expectations. When I visit home I used to playfully make comments such as oh my sister is lucky you are being supportive of her moving out for college since it was so different for me. I was so guilt tripped at the time when I was 19 that I never went away, I stayed home, and endured more fights.  I agree there has been a taunt in my comment because when I look back to my growing years, I have always been emotionally manipulated, and there is some anger still there. But seeing how much those comments affected my mom, I have stopped. But it seems anything I say that remotely is different from what she wants causes a HUGE argument, and gives me terrible anxiety, followed by silent treatment from her.

    Recently, I bought a new place with my partner and it is under unexpected renovation which has delayed the move. Due to this, we have moved into my parents basement for close to a month–three more weeks left as the place is completed. I am thankful for their accommodation, but with me working from home it has caused more tension between my mother and I. I really do not know what I do that causes severe reactions–the words she says are so hurtful, and then later its like I need to try and get over it because she was angry. But these bursts of aggression happen over the slightest reason. My sister even spoke to my mom saying she needs to be more calm around me, my dad is always on my moms side so we do not bring up the discussion around him since he’s working till late evening. My partner has noticed tension between me and my mom. He is very supportive of me and just reminding me that soon we will be moved out but I feel so low and hurt by all this.

    Growing up, my mom was my idol, and my best friend. I never imagined our relationship would get so sour. I know she has suffered a lot in life, largely due to the fights between her and my dad, but she has some strange grudge against me. As if me moving out at the age of 23 I am 25 now, is something I need to be guilt tripped about. She always says oh you don’t even live here anymore why do you care about so and so, or you never visit (even though I visit one a week), and because I am living with them right now, anything she requests she wants me to do right away. For example, taking their dogs out for a walk, if I am busy and I ask why my sister can’t do it, my mom gets SO angry and lashes out. She never apologies and says I am in the wrong for questioning her, and then says she is always depressed so to leave her alone.

    I empathize with her but I am just tired. I want to have a good relationship with my mom. I spoke to my aunts, I am very close with them. They advise me to just maintain a healthy distance and overtime my mom will get better, and see me for a true adult. But I can’t help but feel why she is this way specially with me. My sister says its because they know deep down I can be emotionally manipulated, is this true? Can I do anything to make peace with the situation or try to solve it?

     

    Sorry for the lengthy post. Thank you in advance if anyone does reply to this.

     

     

    #386650
    Neera
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for replying!

    I notice your response to other members as well, so kind of you to take the time out of your day to help others.

    I did not realize it until you wrote it in your post that yes, perhaps because the fights still happen I feel this way. Sometimes even when my partner and I have minor disagreements, I assume the worst and my anxiety kicks in. My partner has recognized this and so we actively work together on having fewer disagreements. This has helped me calm down.

    I currently live with my partner. I moved out of my home almost a year ago. I started living with my partner 9 months ago. The issue is that I still live close to my family. I still visit nearly twice a week. Mostly because I have a younger sister and I want to spend time with her. But being at home I feel anxious and I have noticed that the days I am at home or when I return I am particularly more anxious. The problem is that I do not know when my family will have no fights at all. It has become better but I do not think it will ever disappear. I love them so much and I want to be there for my sister especially since she is still a minor. But I do not know how to have this balance. I do not know how to calm myself when the thoughts take over. And because of this, I fear it is affecting my relationship with my partner since when I am anxious I am overly sensitive and then even the smallest of things mentally affect me.

    Thank you once again.

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