I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone in this and at the same time my heart goes out to you guys who been through the same. It’s so hard I know it is. I feel this constant fire burning in my chest. And its so hard to let go of this person I believed him to be. And to forgive my self for going through all this. And for sticking it out until the end. I should have left sooner. But I was so I love with him and with something like this I just had to be sure. I wanted to be sure. I think the hardest part in the end is I feel like I don’t trust myself anymore. It’s almost as if I’m punishing my self. When in reality there’s nothing I could have done better or differently that would have changed the outcome. I was never ment to be taken serious.

My story is not that different. My ex boyfriend was turkish. He Came here at the age of 8. Went to middle, high school here in NY. We met, he introduced me to his mother and then his father, brothers and sisters. I’d have dinner with his family, help his mom clean the table, wash the dishes. On mother’s day I would be the one to tell him we should do something special for her and take her out to dinner. She even cried and hugged me so tight that day. His mom and dad would always say really nice things about me to their friends and family members. They would ask me to help them explain certain mail etc. I was always very polite and respectful as I was taught to always be. Especially to his parents since I was in love with him and wanted to be accepted. And I thought I was. Anyways about me & him. It’s hard to tell what was real or not or if any of it was ever even real. (This is how I thought things were going) we met. We fell so I love with each other & couldn’t get enough of each other. He would always want to be with me and I did too. We would loose so much sleep because we would stay up all night laughing, talking, we were in love. After or with in the first year we started having problems. I left him a few times. Because I was hurt. I just wanted him to love me right or leave me alone. We went through so much but that connection I felt every time we were together had me hooked. I was so in love with him. When I am with him there is literally no other place I rather be. And he would tell me the most beautiful things and the way he would look at me and the emotions he showed, just everything made me believe that he really did love me. The fact he would always take me out to dinner, open the doors for me, buy me flowers, introduced me to his family, there’s so much more but I’m just too emotionally tiered to type it. We were higher for 4 years. Towards the end I just felt him even more different. It’s like he loved me yet treated me at times like he hated me. Especially when he couldn’t get what he wanted. Which was usually me leaving for my own mental health and him trying to come back. He would send me all these crazy text like you better answer or you’ll regret it. I’ll drive my self into a tree. His mother is in the hospital and has cancer. He will beat any guy up he see near me. He would pop up out of no where at my college (mind you I never even told him I would be going back to school) he was threaten me saying he will come to my apt late at night and make a scene.  he made a huge scene at the nursing home I was working at. After that I got back with him. I think bc sometimes it was easier to be on his good side then have to deal with this side of him. It was draining. The other part was bc I was still in love with him. Just wish I wasn’t bc he does things that hurts me and I wished he would just love me the right way and Be a good man to me. The man he promised me he would be. Anyways towards the end his older brother called me. And told me that A**** was engaged. I was shocked. I was in shock. Later that day he came to my apartment and I told him what his brother said. He denied the whole thing and then he finally admitted he was but it was his parents making him do this. That he doesn’t want to. He started yelling and crying and told me that he hasn’t made any moves to move the relationship forward since him and his fam came back from their trip to turkey and that he loves me and that it was my fault why didn’t I stop him from going blah blah blah. I never doubted what was happening was real and that he was probably bullshitting me. But I guess the one thing I did believe was that he did love me. And I guess I just though he would have had a little more heart for me then to lie to me like this. So again. Back and forth. He finally got me to calm down and to believe in him. That he “will fix this”. His birthday was around the corner and he said he wanted nothing but to spend it with me. And we did. Right before we fell asleep together he looked at me in this way that I guess I should of known then…bc he didn’t say it in a mushy happy I love u way.. this time he just looked serious. he said that this is what he wanted and that he was glad he spent his birthday with me. I told him how much I loved him and believed in us. We kissed good night and fell asleep. In the morning my phone was ringing. It was his brother calling me looking for him. He told me not to answer. I said i wouldn’t. But that just ruined everything. Once again. I knew he was hiding something. He left and his older brother called me again and I answered. He spoke to me and asked if I have seen his brother. I said no at first. And then told him that he was with me last night for his birthday. And then his brother called me stupid. He said A**** is getting married and he’s just trying to save me from my last heart break. That bc in two years or so when his fiancée comes out here I will no longer be in the picture. I didn’t know what to say. Part of me believed him. That he was only trying to save me. But then part of me felt I needed to believe in the man I was with.  That his family was just trying to separate us. One thing I did know was that A**** was scared to a certain point of his family. Mainly his older brother, mother and father. So after this phone call I decided once again to leave. And I did. But A**** would blow up my phone. Leave me letters. Tell me how he wants to be with me etc. One day I was on my way to work and he popped up in my house. He was yelling, trying to get through to me that he loved me and that I was never 2 Nd choice. That I’m the only choice. That he thanks god that he met me. He thanks god that he has my love etc he was so emotional when saying all this that he threw up. I then felt bad and gave in. And gave him some water. Stop doing this to me. Just leave me alone I said. Your not serious. You say you love me but you didn’t think of me when u decided to ask someone else to marry you. You lied to me and your brother told me this not you. You should have been honest to me. He said come come to my house right now. Im going to tell them I love you that I wanted to be with you. I didn’t believe him. Plus I had to go to work. So I said no. I need time. And then he said he will see me tomorrow. I said ok. We’ll talk more then. So tomorrow came, I made dinner for the both of us. Before u know it it already 8pm. I then began to regret believing him and falling for the same crap again. So I called him. I said are u coming? He said he can’t because he had to pick up his brother in law from the airport and bring him home and that it would be rude of him to leave the house when he has company. And it was Ramadan. I then said then why the hell did you inturupt my life. Telling me you love me and want to marry me. That u want to see me tomorrow just to make more excuses !? He then said my name and why am I doing this etc. My heart dropped, I felt such a burn in my chest bc I knew he was lying to me. That it’s just more excuses and that nothings going to change. I put my pride to the side and said A**** you promised me. Why do u not let me move on with my life. You clearly don’t love me the way you say you do. I love you so much and your hurting me, I can’t take it anymore. He said I love you too babe but please try to understand him etc. I said if u don’t come here right now I will come to you (normally I’m never this crazy. But this guy has brought me to hell and back and I guess this is the result ) he then said ok ok ok I’ll come I’ll come. We hung up. Right there I knew he clearly was hiding me from his fam now. I was sooo angry and beyond hurt   I texted him back saying never mind. Don’t bother coming I’m just going to sleep. (In reality I was at that point where I just didn’t care anymore. I felt he was clearly playing with me and I was going to get to the bottom of it once and for all) so I called my friend. I asked her to please come with me somewhere and I picked her up and we went to his house. I needed her for emotional support. I still can’t believe where this love took me. Places I never imagined. (So unhealthy) so I walked into his back yard. Him and his family were all BBQ having dinner. The first person I bumped into was his father. I greeted him and he smiled nervously and said let me guess …it’s A****. I said yes. I then asked if I could speak to his older brother bc his dads English wasn’t too good plus I don’t think he even gave a damn about me or his kids. All that man cares about was money. Not even his own kids happiness. (This is besides the arrange marriage). So his older brother was about to take a bite into his food when he saw me. His face dropped. He knew by looking at me that clearly A**** been lying to them and still Persuing me. He walked up to me and said hi , asked how I was … I said not good. As I was about to start talking to him I noticed everyone just starting at me. I guess they were all in shock that I was still “in the picture” mean while they know he’s promised to someone else. When all of a sudden I saw him and he just looked like a dead in head lights. He looked like he saw a ghost. I then said sorry A**** … you come to my house unannounced making all these scenes, and now I’ll be coming to yours! And then his older brother said something to him in Turkish. basically telling him he better not run out of this house right now and to go to the front of the house bc we were going to talk and finish this for good. At first I came with the intent to tell his family to make him stay away from me but it didn’t go as planned. A**** was pacing around. With his hand on his forehead. He knew stuff was really about to go down. And his brother asked me what’s going on. I then told him that I know you told me he was in an arraigned marriage but he swears to me that it’s you guys that are making him … is this true? He said yes! I looked at A**** but he couldn’t even say a word. Then his brother said why didn’t you just call the cops on him if he keeps coming to ur house and makeing a scene. I said I should but I didn’t. He’s like why?! I said because I love him. And I don’t want to hurt his future. And then his brother flipped out and said you see!!! You see!!! This is all your fault!!!!  I said how is this all my fault? I’m not the one engaged and I’m not the one chasing him! I’ even tried getting away !!! And he’s like because you said it! That you love him! This is your fault! RIGHT THEN I COMPLETELY LOST IT. I swear I blacked out bc I then couldn’t believe how I am standing there , trying to do the right thing, I literally tried to leave, I was there with the intent to do the right thing and not call the cops and to tell them to please keep him away , I been hurt, I been used, I been crying, I loved him and there his brother. His family had the nerve to tell me that this was all my fault , them all knowing damn well from the start since they met me that he and they all were just using me! That there was never going to be a future ! They have daughters and sisters and yet they allowed him to use immense in their own house. Like I am nothing! But a toy! A life that doesn’t matter! …….. I then flipped out and told him Fuck You! Don’t you ever, don’t any one ever tell me that this is all my fault! Right there A**** came in between us and held my arms in a soft way. I was so angry and hurt and felt so little.  I pitted my self at that moment. I couldn’t look at him. But I suddenly calmed down and that rage died down and I just wanted to cry. And ask him how could you do this to me? He then said J*** this is all my fault. When all of a sudden his brother pushed him out the way and said damn right this is all your fault. His mother then came rushing down the stairs, opened the screen door and walked right up to A**** and slapped his face 2x. And then his dad came out too. His mom then stood in front of me and held me. Said I am so sorry! None of this is your fault! And then his older brother apologized and said I must of misunderstood him bc he never ment that this is all his fault. And then he proceeded to tell me that she’s ashamed of him. That I’m a good girl and they love me and they always said good things about me  but that it’s not me. It’s just their culture etc. That she hopes I find happiness and that I have beautiful children’s and a wonderful husband. Then his dad opened his dumb mouth and says yeah , your pretty you’ll get another boyfriend. Like that’s all I’m good for a boyfriend. And like that’s what I wanted to hear at that moment. I looked at his father in disgust and said another boyfriend? I don’t want another boyfriend. And then his older brother said no Jess forget what he said. No you are a very beautiful girl. Your a good girl and I really do wish you the best. (This whole time this is al going on A**** hasn’t said ONE WORD) he didn’t deny anything or accept. Until now when he said J** can I talk to you quick? I said talk to me? If u have something to say, say it here. Say it now in front of them. Bc clearly your telling us all different things. His parents and bro agreed with me. Then he said one more time J*** can we please talk. I said no. This is your last chance. If you have something to say please say it now. Bc after this don’t email me. Don’t call me and don’t you ever dare come looking for me after this. He said nothing. His older brother then said yeah so you have nothing to say? What were u going to say? J*** don’t listen to them. They were all lying. They made me do this etc. I then looked at him and asked him if he loved her? Is he really going to marry her? He couldn’t look at me and didn’t answer. His brother then yelled at him and said answer her!he then said softly looking at the ground. Yes. I’m going to marry her. And then he looked up at me and while there were so many things I wanted to ask him. What else was there to ask. He is marrying her. And not me. His brother then started insulting him. Saying that his mom has cancer and he believes it’s 99% because of him. And he said you think your so cool, you think your a man. What are u a stalker. Why r u stalking her for? Look at you you ain’t shit, look at u standing there like a coward. Twirling ur fingers behind your back. His mom and dad joined in. Deep down I felt bad for him at that moment. I agreed with them. But at the same time I could help but feel bad to hear his family insult him like that (STUPID ME RIGHT). I should feel bad for my self. And I did. And I still do now. I pitty my self. It’s been 2 years and I am heart broken. I miss the person I thought I was with. I break my mind bc I swore I believed he really loved me. But the proof is here. Now. He didn’t choose me. Wether bc he was a coward to stand up against his family, or bc he really did play me. He didn’t choose me.  Before I walked away o told him right in front of his family that if he ever comes looking for me I will file a restraining order. Now it’s my turn to protect my self. Bc clearly he doesn’t care how his games are affecting me and interrupting my life and just my reality. I hugged them all and said thank you for this. And I apologize for interrupting their dinner. And left. My friend said that she was so proud of me. That I showed a lot of courage and was brave to do what I just have done. And that she could tell his family felt bad for me and didn’t blame me for this. And how A*** def knew he messed up big time and how he will never forget this day or me. 1 week later he emailed me saying no matter what he will always be there for me. That he wants to. To call him so we can talk. And that he loves me and wrote our anniversary date…..  That made me mad. I couldn’t believe the nerve he had. How was he going to be there for me exactly ? Really and he loves me ? That night he didn’t say 2 words and now he wants to talk and say he loves me behind closed doors. No way. I remembered the promise I made to my self and told his family so I sent a screenshot to his older brother. And said as u can see it continues. Now I will do what I said. His brother never responded. And I filed a restraining order. To make a long story short he broke the restraining order 3x. The first time he followed me all the way out of the court. He was blocking me from going down the stairs and followed me all the way to my car. He said that he loves me and fuck that bitch he doesn’t love her. That he’s never going back to turkey. He’s not going to marry her. That I’m the girl for him and always I’ll be. That he feels he owes me in this life time. Etc. Then he followed me all the way to the main hwy.  windows down screaming he loves me. (Oh how that pissed me off. I couldn’t believe it. Going to court is something serious and can have a negative impact on ur record and there he was not taking a damn thing serious smiling like he didn’t just break my heart,  screaming he loves me?!) so I reported that incident to the cops and they arrested him.   I basically told the prosecutor no  pushment. But that I now want an extension of the order of protection. 2nd time I was coming home from work and then as I was going to pass him to pull in my drive way quick and run inside he decides to jump infront if my car. Thank god I hit my breaks on time. I hit him but not hard. But still idk I was in shock. For a second I wanted to get out of the car to see if he’s ok. But then I thought if he wasn’t ok he would be on the floor right now and he shouldn’t of jumped infront of my car anyways  ) and that me going out of my car to see if he’s ok is what he wants and I just can’t start this cycle all over again. I went to my house called cops and they arrested him again. Then 3rd time he came to my house rang door bell I called cops. He had brought us breakfast. Which I threw out. He went to court they put it on his record and he pleaded guilty and was on 1 yr probation. It was always hard to make sense out of all this. Did he love me? Why did he risk going to jail and getting caught. Obviously he thought I’d give in like usual but once I called the cops the first time why do it again and again. And why say I love you I feel I owe u in this life time instead of I hate you for taking me to court. Why say you love me and watch me basically confess my love for you to your family and you don’t say one word. No I love you. No I’m sorry j. But I have to do this. No explanation nothing. Why why why I go to sleep every night thinking of him. And it kills me. I just seen a pic that he got married. And it just kills me.