Hello,

Really sorry to hear you are feeling low. I have felt down in the past so I can relate to how that feels. When I first started uni I also felt lonely for the first 6 months as it was all so new and I felt majorly out of my comfort zone and lost. What helped me was sometimes making myself go up to people and talk to them and try to connect over the little things. It’s hard as it’s not often the friendship you want straight away as closeness and connectedness takes time to develop but over time it can come. At that time I wasn’t really into drinking/clubbing so I found someone to just hang out with and watch tv with. I also tried to make friends with people I was in halls with, some people you will click with others you won’t, but that’s just life and nothing to do with them/you. It takes a while to find yourself and your group of friends sometimes at uni and that’s OK but you will find your group. 🙂 Perhaps try and join a club or chat to people on your course and try and make plans with them. From all the people at uni I probably today keep in contact with 3 friends so it’s quality not quantity. Also make time to go home as that’s where you feel like you have roots and belong as that will help you feel stringe to go back to college/uni with your family behind you. They just want you to be happy that’s All.

About your ex, I completely understand. It is SO hard. I would say if you need to cry, cry and just accept it for what it is-A tough time that ultimately will make you stronger. Looking at his profile is just torture. Do you have any friends from home you could ring and talk to when you are feeling down? Or talk to an online therapist. Talkspace and 7 cups of tea are good but I guess there’s loads others. Take advantage of your good days to go out and do stuff and my advice would be to listen to your body and your inner voice to guide you to do things you like which helps. When I felt depressed, it seemed like nothing gave me any joy so I didnt want to do anything but I would  sometimes think I should go for a walk.. then my negative voice would creep in but I basically forced myself to go and it does help. Your body does know best. Other things that helped me were: having a nice warm shower, going to the beach, cooking a nice meal, reading a good book, spending time outside, swimming, making positive plans for the future eg run a fun run, do an online course etc.

About your course- it’s hard to choose at 18 or younger what you want to do. If you choose psychology and don’t like it, see if you can change in the first few months as I know people who did that. Ask yourself why you are doing that course? What interests you? I think it helps if you follow your passion. In many cases, for getting a job post college or university WHAT you study doesn’t really matter as work experience and a positive attitude seem to help the most so please don’t worry about choosing the wrong course- as long as you enjoy it and are passionate about it (rahl Dahl has a good quote on this) then nothing else matters.

Look after yourself

Hi Saman,

Not really sure I can add anything really as Pearce’s comments were really insightful and true. I  just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone and I can empathise with you.

the issue with depression is that it makes everything seem worthless and pointless and life is just a shade of numbness or sadness and there is very little happiness. Like you, I thought of doing anything, even stupid things so that I could FEEL something.

A combination of things worked for me and some days they work well and some days not at all, but I thought I should share them with you in case one helps.

1) Watch inspirational TED talks.. I like Tony Robbins energy and passion but whichever works for you. Also read inspirational books. I personally like the alchemist but again its picking what YOU like and what speaks to you. Perhaps go to a book store and pick a few books that speak to you from there and start with those.

2) Journal your feelings.. Still means they are there just not buzzing around in my head so much. This usually is painful and makes me cry bur sometimes it can help in sorting my emotions out. Or get a therapist to help you..  I find talkspace works for me but there are alot of different ones out there.

3) Eat or do something you loved from childhood. For me that’s strawberry milkshake and chicken nuggets.. This sounds terribly unhealthy but for me its just a step in reminding myself of the stuff I used to like or do that I don’t do anymore or had forgotten about.

4) Take a shower or bath, it feels like the most hardest thing ever and for me my mind makes up a million reasons why not,  but generally its nicer to feel clean, the little mood boosting things help

5) Do something you don’t want to do or are putting off. For me this helped as I was crying again at work, staring at the screen seeing the emails all pile in and I just felt hopeless. This had gone on for months but but one morning at work I thought I’m going to answer that email I don’t want to do, im still going to feel sad and rubbish and want to cry but I’m going to do it anyway. It sounds simple but it was something I really didn’t want to do or had thought of before as I was used to waiting for the feelings to pass and then getting more angry and frustrated At myself when they didn’t.

6) Stick to a routine and build it around the little things that make you feel just a bit happier eg for me its making nt morning coffee, and spending time reading but its whatever works for you.

7) Do exercise you enjoy. The enjoy is the important part, for years I went running as I thought that’s a good way to keep fit, but I actually never enjoyed it at all. Instead I now swim and use it as a form of meditation- I can’t think too hard and swim so for me its a nice way to quiet my brain for half an hour.

8) try and think of a goal that energises you or spend time with people that energise you.

you are wonderful and you are loveable and you are a valueable person just by being you, never ever forget that. you are not alone.

Sorry for the spelling mistakes, my phone keeps freezing and not letting me amnend them.

Hello Felix,

Thank you for sharing. I replied to this post as I recently had to make a decision about work and hopefully might be able to help. My decision was whether to stay in a safe, comfortable job or to try something new and do a job that was more in line with my long term goals but had less stability. Deep down I knew the answer that was right for me (I chose the job doing something new with less stability)- you said you are leaning towards a ‘no’ and perhaps that, along with the phrase: ‘This is one of the last chances I have to move ahead, advance, make more money’ suggests that you should hold out for a better offer. You can probably find a job that can allow you to advance AND spend time with your dog and do training on the side. The reason I say this is that I am doing a job and also doing training on the side and that’s what showed me is that if we want to make time for something we will.

My other thoughts are that the right answer feels expansive in your chest and the wrong answer feels more constrictive, I know its difficult when you feel under pressure, but when I was making my decision I went for a walk and spent some time by myself and then when I was feeling more calm and rational, I was able to hear how I thought over all the noise.

I think its okay to be nervous and feel scared- the future is the unknown, but for me the fear I had of starting a new job and leaving the old, did not outweigh my decision and my feeling deep down that it was the right thing for me to do- so perhaps if the same is true for you, you know your decision.

My advice would be to take a deep breath and listen to yourself. Your wife and friends, family etc are useful to talk to about pros and cons and all the practical things but you are going to be the one accepting or declining the job offer, it is you that has to live with the decision so just spend time with yourself and just go with how you feel once you have thought about pros and cons (as pros and cons only take you so far). It is only natural to feel scared whatever decision and,  to be honest there is not really a right or a wrong answer- only option A or B and you can always change down the line, even though I realise it feels really important now but no matter what you choose your wife and family will support you no matter what.

Also a long while ago I had the opportunity to go for a career that I wanted but I doubted myself and my fears held me back and I do regret this now. I have found an alternative career and I am happy in it but I do often think of where I could be and how different my life could of been if I had more faith and confidence in myself and that only comes by doing. There is nothing wrong with aiming high and wanting more.

I read this quote the other day and it makes me think of your situation:

“It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.”

https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/44567.Theodore_Roosevelt- see here for more. These always inspire me when I am feeling down.

Best wishes and please try not to stress and worry and analyse, go for a walk, cook something nice or have a shower or go for a run… the answer will come to you when you stop trying.