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October 15, 2025 at 8:04 pm #450963
Nichole
ParticipantHii!
Wow, 7 years is a long time. I remember a lot , especially, first reaching out. I was frantic. So hurt and so lost. I didn’t know what was going on. I clung to your responses. They were truly helpful in getting me out of that space at the time.
I can really relate to the lashing out. I often forget about that, but that is/was a real thing I do too. Especially in romantic relationships. I can get real aggressive. I think a lot of suppressed anger.
I am happy for you and no longer fitting the BPD diagnosis. Must be a lot of hard work you have done. And it must feel good.
I agree with practicing connecting. I never thought of imagining it beforehand in that intentional way. For some reason I thought that would make me seem fake but I think that is just my fear distracting me from taking steps toward growth.
I very much like you too Anita. Your wisdom and attention to my life story has been a beautiful introduction to this friendship.
I am ready for this journey. I am really tired of the old ways and repeat patterns. I am craving meaningful friendships and just a happier and more fulfilled upcoming year.
One way I plan to do this is by tuning out some if not all of the news and politics. I know that it is important to be in the know with our country but I am needing a break from all of it.That is powerful awareness in regard to being too sensitive to rejection. I am happy for you Anita. I can sense the progress in your writings. Thank you for sharing with me!
October 13, 2025 at 4:56 pm #450893Nichole
ParticipantHi Anita,
Good idea. I also began reading your entry on diving into your childhood(It Is really good). I am slow to read but I am pushing myself to focus more on reading, learning and getting out of my head.
I am beginning to accept that this is a long game. Maybe it will be less time and maybe it won’t. I have to accept that.
When I look back at my relationships I often find that I was the clingy one.I cannot just say I gave more and they gave less, it was more like I needed love right then and there as I was deprived of it so I didn’t mind laying down as a doormat for it. I often accepted whatever was given to me. Someone could call me and I would miss the call and then I would call back, text, leave a voicemail. And then wait at my phone for a response. It is pretty sad to think of.
More recently, with the last five years of growth, I am less clingy, less desperate and I know myself more and what I like. I try to give others the space to be them without trying to control or romanticize the relationship. But all of this is a work in progress.
Having my family back in my life was easy and I became lazy with trying to connect. So I do not have much experience as of recently.
What I realized in this group is my expectation for others to take the leap and open their arms to me. I lack initiative in this area and other areas of my life.Well that is my start, I am eager to hear yours
October 12, 2025 at 6:41 pm #450855Nichole
ParticipantHi Anita,
It does. So I will have to practice and practice again? For possibly a decade? and more? Just when I thought healing couldn’t get any more challenging. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. I won’t. It is just overwhelming.
October 12, 2025 at 10:56 am #450842Nichole
ParticipantHi Anita,
Well, I am afraid of being committed to something. This is something called Celebrate Recovery. It is pretty cool. People celebrating different recoveries, whether it is sex, drugs, anger, co dependencies etc. So I am afraid to take that leap and say yes I have this issue and I am going to actively work on it, although, it could be good for me.
Nothing in particular has made me distrust the people. Maybe just my past, being betrayed, especially in groups.
After the meeting there is this gathering for a meal in the diner. My anxiety flares up. I don’t feel connected to anyone. I watch everyone talking and finding a partner to sit with. So I go sit at a table by myself. Two older ladies wave me over to their table. I was grateful because I felt so out of place. This situation brings me so much anxiety. I am so used to being alone, I don’t know how to connect.October 11, 2025 at 7:44 pm #450821Nichole
ParticipantHi Anita,
It’s been about a month since going no contact with family and also re evaluating relationships in my life. I have stopped interacting with anyone at work due to disrespect most times. I only speak when I have to for sakes of doing the job. It’s been quite lonely. I hadn’t realized how much those bread crumbs were getting me by. While I feel like cutting off people who hurt me is the best decision I can make, this is not an easy transition. I recently started attending a Church group for recovery of codependency etc. People have been kind there. But my anxiety and distrust in others really makes it hard for me to want to even go. But isolation is like punishment. It is all pretty confusing.
September 7, 2025 at 9:20 pm #449495Nichole
ParticipantThank you! I needed to hear those things. And continuing reading those things and repeating them because my self sabotage is extreme these last few days. Like I know this is growth because some of these uncomfortable feelings are hard to sit with. Mainly knowing I allowed so much. I basically have been a doormat to so many people in my life and I have been masking it like everything was ok. And I actually believed everything was. That is so confusing. but something I am learning about myself. Yes I have to slow down and be whatever this transition needs to be but that scares me. Thank you for being here. You always have too!
September 7, 2025 at 7:26 pm #449493Nichole
ParticipantAnita, I feel lost. And scared again. I feel like I was manipulated and sucked into that dynamic again. It feels so uncomfortable accepting that. How can I trust myself again if this happened to me under my own choices. It has been a bad night of self attacking. I am really hurt.
September 4, 2025 at 8:07 am #449302Nichole
ParticipantWell I understand that now more than ever. Still a lot of love for them and a lot of confusion. What happened is really more of a reflection of my self worth and desire to belong so I put up with way more than I should have. Not intentionally. I was just going through the motions of life and also trying to balance a relationship with family. The problem is that there is very little return on my investment in that relationship. I tend to put on blinders and act like these tiny pieces of affection are signs that the relationship is building. But I have to let go for a while. I desire more out of my relationships. I deserve more. I deserve to put me first and not be punished for it. It has been tough. I just recently blocked everyone. Maybe for a little while or maybe for a long while.
September 3, 2025 at 8:41 pm #449272Nichole
ParticipantHi Anita,
Well, I am overwhelmed. Emotionally burned out. Definitely feel like I got back in the blender with my family. And how could I? When I know the way it didn’t work in the past.
How are you?
April 19, 2025 at 9:18 pm #444992Nichole
ParticipantHi Anita!
Thank you for your response. It is so nice to be able to read these conversations and reflect on the growth and also the connection. It has been years! You have heard of all the bits and pieces and even the ugliest parts of my journey. What a true blessing to be able to have that. Very grateful for this site.
Sorry I have taken a while to respond. Honestly I need to work on that. I can easily get distracted and put more important things on the back burner. But one step at a time.
I can absolutely resonate with your past and much of your challenges growing up.
Especially feeling the anger and fear yet longing for the love. The fear of abandonment. Becoming angry for having to be the caretaker. Resentment for not having a safe upbringing.
Reading your experience is eye opening. You really have a strong understanding of yourself and your past. I don’t know if I have gone that deep. I almost feel afraid to put myself in my younger self’s shoes.
I believe as a child I took on a caretaker role because it was drilled into me that I was supposed to. My mother had diabetes and also addiction so those together created an ” ill ” mother. Who else would take care of her. She was very emotionally weak. The elders in my family often made it clear we had to care for my mom. We got praised for caring for my mom. When I think about it, it was always about her. I can see clearly now that was my identity and I had no identity of my own.These conflicting feelings—love, anger, fear, and longing—were incredibly complex and shaped how I related to her and the world around me. Processing these dynamics over time has helped me understand myself better and has given me tools to heal.
– I love this for you. You encourage me to continue processing. I have dug into my childhood. And have had it best put in words by you. But I think I usually try to process current challenges as a result of more recent events and maybe it would be helpful to dig deeper into what is ingrained from childhood.
I am happy you are finding peace and allowing yourself to care for others again. This is inspiring to me.
March 29, 2025 at 7:25 pm #444493Nichole
ParticipantHi Anita!!
A little late, but Happy 2025!!
Have I been working on a life of my own? Trying to.
Some new things happened in life. I bought that condo I always wanted! I closed on my condo 12/06/24! Since then I have been settling in. Noticed that painting and doing diy tasks had been becoming a nice little distraction. So most recently realized I have to get back on track with my initial goals of making new connections and creating more of a life here. My condo is cozy and I work from home so I spend about 80 percent of my life in my home. It is a little lonely. Today I decided to try out a zoom connecting event. It was nice. And here I am writing to you.
My father stayed a month with me during the move to my new place. It was a nice experience. We had a lot of fun together. I had a lot of capacity to love him and accept him as he is. Not the father I would have dreamed of but the one I have. He continues to struggle with addictions etc. So I’m still working on the feelings of disappointment when those times arise.
I have been working on having more time in between calls with family as it is more peaceful for me that way. But altogether I am happy to have them in my life.
I wonder if friends who care and support you and respect boundaries are a thing. Even girls I am friendly with at work are not very trustworthy and gaslight casually in conversations.
I recently reconnected with a man I had dated a few years ago. Not the best choice. He and I are not compatible. I realized I had to swallow who I was to be with him because we just do not have the same beliefs in life. He also does not have the determination and goal mindset that I have. I want to continue to grow and continue to be stable financially and in all areas. There is a lot of guilt towards letting the relationship/friendship go. A lot of times I allow my empathy for others to keep me in the situation. I am sure you know that about me though lol.
I am at a place where I feel ok most days. I feel more peaceful. I still have my days with anxiety and worry but often can tame that with tools I have learned throughout the years. I am just really wanting to zone in and make my life more lively.
Work has become quite boring to me and unfulfilling. I am a customer service rep for insurance providers. Well, I feel I have more potential than what I am doing. But I did step down from a role with more responsibilities so that is confusing.
I really want to get my real estate license. But I have such resistance. Like feeling like the pool is over saturated etc.That is where I am at these days! How are you Anita?
September 17, 2024 at 7:18 pm #438194Nichole
ParticipantHi Anita,
Wow, how the years have moved along. Sometimes really bumpy and other times just small waves.
Yes. thank you for pointing it out. That it was a vacation/wedding and we all had our happy faces on. I sometimes miss city life but do not wish to live that close to family. If I ever think of it and tell you please bring me back to reality!! lol! I do get a sense of distraction by being needed with family. But I think it’s only a distraction from the fact that I have to continue building my own life. Something no one can take away from me. I still resist a lot of change that I want to make in this area. Like planning more social events then cancel. Plan to go to gym/park and end up at home scrolling on my phone. Dating! I have gone on a few dates but no where near enough.
Thank you for that compliment Anita! I do believe I am a good, honorable person but it’s been a while since I have felt that way. I still carry a lot of guilt. I also don’t think I spend enough time with people who have the capacity to celebrate me.
OB is and always will be a challenging relationship or at least now and in near future until hopefully he goes to therapy but he will need A lot of it. I started my journey with therapy in 2017 and then started learning more and more in 2018 around the time of my perfect storm when I first reached out here. I have grown and learned so much but still feel as though, just like showering, healing is a everyday thing. If you miss a few days, you notice and feel it.
September 15, 2024 at 7:35 pm #438133Nichole
ParticipantHi Anita,
Wow, 5 months since my last post. I can be a real procrastinator, I am sorry!
I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to myself, I would like to catch up on our conversation. I am glad to be doing so now.
I loved your response to my confusion and the way you used scripture. I trust this.
The sexual abuse is still hard for me to address with my brother. I have not felt an opportunity or desire to do this.
These last few months I have had a decent amount of contact with family. My brother in Chicago had a wedding and asked me to be there so I actually seen my entire family for the first time in years. It went surprisingly well. Most were very kind and seemed happy to see me. My aunt cried when she seen me. My cousins hugged me tight and let me know how much they missed me. I believe them. And I observed while I was there. I maintained my boundaries. I was present. Although, they love me and missed me, they are still who they are. A lot of behaviors I chose to excuse myself from and conversations I chose to stay out of. Boundaries like that made this visit so much better. I tried to only give what I had and took breaks when I needed it.
This made me wonder if that’s all I needed to do from the beginning. Or if this is something I can go forward with, with family.
There is no doubt I needed to get away from my family in the past. And I needed to grow as a person and have my own life. But I do enjoy knowing I am mending these relationships. It makes me feel motivated to continue building my life. Just with boundaries this go around.
I have had some long and “therapy like” conversations with my OB. He has opened up so much to me. I can see he is really trying to change and explore his feelings and his past. I let him know after a really detailed conversation that I love him and want him to know I am here for him but really believe he needs to speak to a therapist. I put up a boundary and let him know that as he explores his past and continues to heal there will be too many things that come up that will be triggering for me since we grew up in the same household. I expressed that I am still healing myself. I was proud to say that. He was accepting of that.
I really do see him trying in ways that I am surprised by and I am hoping that as he digs deep there can one day be a conversation and apology for the abuse.
I have asked myself if I am people pleasing in that. I know I am extending a lot of grace but I feel whole enough to do that at this point. Is that wrong?
Also, I don’t know if bringing that trauma to the fore front would be good for me right now. I am feeling more content and peaceful these days. Still have my ups and downs but so much more manageable. I am at a place where I just want to focus on continuing to build my foundation. Finding out who I am.
These are my late night thoughts. I am looking forward to hearing back from you Anita and hope that are doing well!
May 16, 2024 at 7:26 am #432723Nichole
ParticipantHi Anita,
You are so right about that. The new attention is nice, especially in the beginning. Still holding up on the boundaries. I have had to be in contact with my brother for my father’s care. My brother has been very sweet with letting me know how much he missed me in their life. He says I am so rare and such a good person and he wants to always be in my life. Very endearing. But I still do not like some of the roads our conversations take and I am still working on this. I also fear gaslighting from him. I think the past has to do with it but also that my brother can have manipulative ways. He has even admitted it and says he is working on being more empathetic and putting himself in others shoes. I can tell he is working on it. Sorry if I am ranting here. I am just confused. Like did I do the right thing allowing them back in my life? I know ultimately I control how much. I hear and a lot of people in the healing community talk about not going back to those who showed who they were etc. Even Biblical quotes but then also hear the contradiction of love your family. I just have that jiggling in my head.
Thank you for that complement Anita! Saying I am most deserving of my gift. That means so much to me 🙂
May 8, 2024 at 6:38 am #432472Nichole
ParticipantHi Anita,
I was speaking on my oldest brother, David. And to be honest since I last wrote I realized that I naturally blame the other party. It is not only that my brother can be clingy, it is that I was also enjoying the attention. It was exciting to be back in contact. It was a distraction from some of my own issues in my own life. It was my loneliness. Anyhow, we have not spoke other than in short. I have set a boundary, silently, and he seems to be respecting it.
Boundaries are hard to stick to I find. I don’t know if throughout the years my mind has created a poor memory but I set boundaries and goals and can easily move on to the next or just forget, lose interest in this important goal/boundary I set. I find it hard to stay consistent. And it’s disappointing.
Last month my uncle and I spoke. During the conversation he let me know that he would like to gift me a down payment on a condo. I was stunned. I have never received such a monetary gift. I don’t think I spoke about this uncle much. Since then I have been learning so much about buying a home and what is actually required. I have a lot of work to do financially before I can afford this. This is a goal I must stick to.
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