Thank you! I needed to hear those things. And continuing reading those things and repeating them because my self sabotage is extreme these last few days. Like I know this is growth because some of these uncomfortable feelings are hard to sit with. Mainly knowing I allowed so much. I basically have been a doormat to so many people in my life and I have been masking it like everything was ok. And I actually believed everything was. That is so confusing. but something I am learning about myself. Yes I have to slow down and be whatever this transition needs to be but that scares me. Thank you for being here. You always have too!

Well I understand that now more than ever. Still a lot of love for them and a lot of confusion. What happened is really more of a reflection of my self worth and desire to belong so I put up with way more than I should have. Not intentionally. I was just going through the motions of life and also trying to balance a relationship with family. The problem is that there is very little return on my investment in that relationship. I tend to put on blinders and act like these tiny pieces of affection are signs that the relationship is building. But I have to let go for a while. I desire more out of my relationships. I deserve more. I deserve to put me first and not be punished for it. It has been tough. I just recently blocked everyone. Maybe for a little while or maybe for a long while.

Hi Anita!

Thank you for your response. It is so nice to be able to read these conversations and reflect on the growth and also the connection. It has been years! You have heard of all the bits and pieces and even the ugliest parts of my journey. What a true blessing to be able to have that. Very grateful for this site.

Sorry I have taken a while to respond. Honestly I need to work on that. I can easily get distracted and put more important things on the back burner. But one step at a time.

I can absolutely resonate with your past and much of your challenges growing up.
Especially feeling the anger and fear yet longing for the love. The fear of abandonment. Becoming angry for having to be the caretaker. Resentment for not having a safe upbringing.
Reading your experience is eye opening. You really have a strong understanding of yourself and your past. I don’t know if I have gone that deep. I almost feel afraid to put myself in my younger self’s shoes.
I believe as a child I took on a caretaker role because it was drilled into me that I was supposed to. My mother had diabetes and also addiction so those together created an ” ill ” mother. Who else would take care of her. She was very emotionally weak. The elders in my family often made it clear we had to care for my mom. We got praised for caring for my mom. When I think about it, it was always about her. I can see clearly now that was my identity and I had no identity of my own.

These conflicting feelings—love, anger, fear, and longing—were incredibly complex and shaped how I related to her and the world around me. Processing these dynamics over time has helped me understand myself better and has given me tools to heal.

– I love this for you. You encourage me to continue processing. I have dug into my childhood. And have had it best put in words by you. But I think I usually try to process current challenges as a result of more recent events and maybe it would be helpful to dig deeper into what is ingrained from childhood.

I am happy you are finding peace and allowing yourself to care for others again. This is inspiring to me.

Hi Anita,

Wow, how the years have moved along. Sometimes really bumpy and other times just small waves.

Yes. thank you for pointing it out. That it was a vacation/wedding and we all had our happy faces on. I sometimes miss city life but do not wish to live that close to family. If I ever think of it and tell you please bring me back to reality!! lol! I do get a sense of distraction by being needed with family. But I think it’s only a distraction from the fact that I have to continue building my own life. Something no one can take away from me. I still resist a lot of change that I want to make in this area. Like planning more social events then cancel.  Plan to go to gym/park and end up at home scrolling on my phone.  Dating! I have gone on a few dates but no where near enough.

Thank you for that compliment Anita! I do believe I am a good, honorable person but it’s been a while since I have felt that way. I still carry a lot of guilt. I also don’t think I spend enough time with people who have the capacity to celebrate me.

OB is and always will be a challenging relationship or at least now and in near future until hopefully he goes to therapy but he will need A lot of it. I started my journey with therapy in 2017 and then started learning more and more in 2018 around the time of my perfect storm when I first reached out here.  I have grown and learned so much but still feel as though, just like showering, healing is a everyday thing. If you miss a few days, you notice and feel it.

Hi Anita,

You are so right about that. The new attention is nice, especially in the beginning. Still holding up on the boundaries. I have had to be in contact with my brother for my father’s care. My brother has been very sweet with letting me know how much he missed me in their life. He says I am so rare and such a good person and he wants to always be in my life. Very endearing. But I still do not like some of the roads our conversations take and I am still working on this. I also fear gaslighting from him. I think the past has to do with it but also that my brother can have manipulative ways. He has even admitted it and says he is working on being more empathetic and putting himself in others shoes. I can tell he is working on it. Sorry if I am ranting here. I am just confused. Like did I do the right thing allowing them back in my life? I know ultimately I control how much. I hear and a lot of people in the healing community talk about not going back to those who showed who they were etc. Even Biblical quotes but then also hear the contradiction of love your family. I just have that jiggling in my head.

Thank you for that complement Anita! Saying I am most deserving of my gift. That means so much to me 🙂

Hi Anita,

I have yet to read your post on Loneliness but I will! I do recognize loneliness is a more wide spread issue than just myself.  Most people are afraid of people, like me lol.

It is weird to look at those past posts I have made. To think I was in so much pain and so confused most of the time. I am so grateful I have made such progress. I am thankful for never giving up even though I thought about it a million times.

I am working on continuing my life here independently. Due to my father being in such critical condition my brother and I had been in a lot of contact. But now he is getting a bit better. I am working on having less contact with him and sticking to my boundaries. This is something I do across the board. I lose myself in situations, relationships etc. Each time I notice and something arises I learn more and more that I was just so raised to do do do for others. Almost like I was invisible. So I am really just working on what my truth is. Who am I? What do I stand for? How do I develop relationships and own my spot in it.

My brother can get clingy so I think in this situation just remembering that I have a say in how much time I give him is my first step. And when I begin to feel bad for him, I have to remember that I am not responsible for his feelings.

Anita,

Very true, the stability from my job and consistency of where I have been living have helped get me back in a better place. I had not recently thought about the correlation between the moving around I was doing and my childhood. Growing up we moved around quite a bit. Finances were not stable.  I can still get really anxious when something unexpected happens. I fear the worse. I’ll be homeless and unable to provide for myself. With the work I have been doing I know this to be untrue. I have, even at my most fearful, always provided for myself. In the future I would like to better my relationship with money. I would like to thrive. Nonetheless,  I am grateful for what I do have.

Yes, past relationships and even the most recent one created turmoil. This last man was really just a distraction from dealing with where my life was. But I was also craving male attention as I still do. I settled with him. I knew he was not good for me or my soul but I continued on. Eventually, the differences were so clear that I could not stand to see him one more time. I have been peaceful since. But, I still believe in my heart that I was born to be a Mom and wife. My lifelong dream! I am 35 now, will it ever be? I have juggled with maybe it won’t. and I will have to live with that. I really just struggle to make friends or relationships. It is the trust issue. I hide myself a lot. I also attract similar patterns in people, but now, more than ever I feel so much more self aware about this.

Last week I started back into my new role after my voluntary demotion. It has been peaceful. I learned so much in leadership. I learned that I lead well. I lead with my heart and soul. My team loved me and I loved them. But, I learned that my boundaries would soon creep in. And to constantly work on boundaries can, at times, be empowering but also exhausting. Most times I gave way too much of myself. I look forward to spending the rest of this year treating work as just work and creating a life outside of it.

Bringing me to my family…

Your always spot on Anita! I can easily go into a nostalgic place with family. I do believe we had some wonderful times. My Father came in June, and it was great! We spent five days together. I knew better than to get attached. He struggles with alcohol and drug addiction. I know too well. He loves me when he can but he will most likely always return to his ways. I am coming to peace with this. As for my brother, it is just simple texts. I just want peace with them. I know they cannot provide the family environment I craved for so long.  But with my niece, this relationship is important to me. I know that she will need me in her life. She is 15 now. She will soon be heading for life’s ups and downs as well all do as we grow up and I want to be a wise person in her life. I love her so much. I am so happy to be in touch with her. I would love to go see her this summer. No exceptions, other than it my job to love her the best I can while I am in her company.

Yes, I wish I would have been able to apply your wonderful advice on relationships in a better way back then. I do believe I can function this way now. Mindfulness can be hard for me some times but I am starting to slow down more. I really would like to create connections that are stimulating and balanced.  I know that it begins with me. If I give/offer to much of me too fast I will likely attract people that will take quicker than I give. I look forward to slowing down. Paying attention to people and just having fun if I can. I just need the motivation to do it. I think talking about it is a start!

I am glad that you are fine. You mean a whole lot to myself, so can imagine how others on here feel as well. We had not spoke for 1.5 years but I always thought about you and your advice. The idea that you spent so much time reading my long, dramatic emails at times and you would be patient and kind and offer really good advice is so beautiful. Always will be appreciated.

Hi Anita!

I’ve thought about you and getting on here. It’s been a while.

yes, I’m a Christian. And still haven’t tried the dating site. I haven’t given dating a lot of thought lately.

i do still think of my ex, but realize that is just my nostalgia. He has never reached out after getting the news I was living in Florida. He is not who I thought he was. I wish I could erase him from my mind.

My mind does this thing where it likes to create reasons why people do things, excuses. So I can keep believing a lie. But I’m working through this pattern. Not easy

how are you?