Hii!

Wow, 7 years is a long time. I remember a lot , especially, first reaching out. I was frantic. So hurt and so lost. I didn’t know what was going on. I clung to your responses. They were truly helpful in getting me out of that space at the time.

I can really relate to the lashing out. I often forget about that, but that is/was a real thing I do too. Especially in romantic relationships. I can get real aggressive. I think a lot of suppressed anger.

I am happy for you and no longer fitting the BPD diagnosis. Must be a lot of hard work you have done. And it must feel good.

I agree with practicing connecting. I never thought of imagining it beforehand in that intentional way. For some reason I thought that would make me seem fake but I think that is just my fear distracting me from taking steps toward growth.

I very much like you too Anita. Your wisdom and attention to my life story has been a beautiful introduction to this friendship.
I am ready for this journey. I am really tired of the old ways and repeat patterns. I am craving meaningful friendships and just a happier and more fulfilled upcoming year.
One way I plan to do this is by tuning out some if not all of the news and politics. I know that it is important to be in the know with our country but I am needing a break from all of it.

That is powerful awareness in regard to being too sensitive to rejection. I am happy for you Anita. I can sense the progress in your writings. Thank you for sharing with me!

Hi Anita,

It does. So I will have to practice and practice again? For possibly a decade? and more? Just when I thought healing couldn’t get any more challenging. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. I won’t. It is just overwhelming.

Hi Anita,

It’s been about a month since going no contact with family and also re evaluating relationships in my life. I have stopped interacting with anyone at work due to disrespect most times. I only speak when I have to for sakes of doing the job. It’s been quite lonely. I hadn’t realized how much those bread crumbs were getting me by. While I feel like cutting off people who hurt me is the best decision I can make, this is not an easy transition. I recently started attending a Church group for recovery of codependency etc. People have been kind there. But my anxiety and distrust in others really makes it hard for me to want to even go. But isolation is like punishment. It is all pretty confusing.

Anita, I feel lost. And scared again. I feel like I was manipulated and sucked into that dynamic again. It feels so uncomfortable accepting that. How can I trust myself again if this happened to me under my own choices. It has been a bad night of self attacking. I am really hurt.

Hi Anita,

Well, I am overwhelmed. Emotionally burned out. Definitely feel like I got back in the blender with my family. And how could I? When I know the way it didn’t work in the past.

How are you?

Hi Anita!!

A little late, but Happy 2025!!
Have I been working on a life of my own? Trying to.
Some new things happened in life. I bought that condo I always wanted! I closed on my condo 12/06/24! Since then I have been settling in. Noticed that painting and doing diy tasks had been becoming a nice little distraction. So most recently realized I have to get back on track with my initial goals of making new connections and creating more of a life here. My condo is cozy and I work from home so I spend about 80 percent of my life in my home. It is a little lonely. Today I decided to try out a zoom connecting event. It was nice. And here I am writing to you.
My father stayed a month with me during the move to my new place. It was a nice experience. We had a lot of fun together. I had a lot of capacity to love him and accept him as he is. Not the father I would have dreamed of but the one I have. He continues to struggle with addictions etc. So I’m still working on the feelings of disappointment when those times arise.
I have been working on having more time in between calls with family as it is more peaceful for me that way. But altogether I am happy to have them in my life.
I wonder if friends who care and support you and respect boundaries are a thing. Even girls I am friendly with at work are not very trustworthy and gaslight casually in conversations.
I recently reconnected with a man I had dated a few years ago. Not the best choice. He and I are not compatible. I realized I had to swallow who I was to be with him because we just do not have the same beliefs in life. He also does not have the determination and goal mindset that I have. I want to continue to grow and continue to be stable financially and in all areas. There is a lot of guilt towards letting the relationship/friendship go. A lot of times I allow my empathy for others to keep me in the situation. I am sure you know that about me though lol.
I am at a place where I feel ok most days. I feel more peaceful. I still have my days with anxiety and worry but often can tame that with tools I have learned throughout the years. I am just really wanting to zone in and make my life more lively.
Work has become quite boring to me and unfulfilling. I am a customer service rep for insurance providers. Well, I feel I have more potential than what I am doing. But I did step down from a role with more responsibilities so that is confusing.
I really want to get my real estate license. But I have such resistance. Like feeling like the pool is over saturated etc.

That is where I am at these days! How are you Anita?

Hi Anita,

Wow, 5 months since my last post. I can be a real procrastinator, I am sorry!

I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to myself, I would like to catch up on our conversation. I am glad to be doing so now.

I loved your response to my confusion and the way you used scripture. I trust this.

The sexual abuse is still hard for me to address with my brother. I have not felt an opportunity or desire to do this.

These last few months I have had a decent amount of contact with family. My brother in Chicago had a wedding and asked me to be there so I actually seen my entire family for the first time in years. It went surprisingly well.  Most were very kind and seemed happy to see me. My aunt cried when she seen me. My cousins hugged me tight and let me know how much they missed me. I believe them. And I observed while I was there. I maintained my boundaries. I was present. Although, they love me and missed me, they are still who they are.  A lot of behaviors I chose to excuse myself from and conversations I chose to stay out of. Boundaries like that made this visit so much better. I tried to only give what I had and took breaks when I needed it.

This made me wonder if that’s all I needed to do from the beginning. Or if this is something I can go forward with, with family.

There is no doubt I needed to get away from my family in the past.  And I needed to grow as a person and have my own life. But I do enjoy knowing I am mending these relationships.  It makes me feel motivated to continue building my life. Just with boundaries this go around.

I have had some long and “therapy like” conversations with my OB. He has opened up so much to me. I can see he is really trying to change and explore his feelings and his past. I let him know after a really detailed conversation that I love him and want him to know I am here for him but really believe he needs to speak to a therapist. I put up a boundary and let him know that as he explores his past and continues to heal there will be too many things that come up that will be triggering for me since we grew up in the same household. I expressed that I am still healing myself.  I was proud to say that. He was accepting of that.

I really do see him trying in ways that I am surprised by and I am hoping that as he digs deep there can one day be a conversation and apology for the abuse.

I have asked myself if I am people pleasing in that. I know I am extending a lot of grace but I feel whole enough to do that at this point. Is that wrong?

Also, I don’t know if bringing that trauma to the fore front would be good for me right now. I am feeling more content and peaceful these days. Still have my ups and downs but so much more manageable. I am at a place where I just want to focus on continuing to build my foundation. Finding out who I am.

These are my late night thoughts. I am looking forward to hearing back from you Anita and hope that are doing well!

Hi Anita,

I was speaking on my oldest brother, David. And to be honest since I last wrote I realized that I naturally blame the other party. It is not only that my brother can be clingy, it is that I was also enjoying the attention. It was exciting to be back in contact. It was a distraction from some of my own issues in my own life. It was my loneliness. Anyhow, we have not spoke other than in short. I have set a boundary, silently, and he seems to be respecting it.

Boundaries are hard to stick to I find. I don’t know if throughout the years my mind has created a poor memory but I set boundaries and goals and can easily move on to the next or just forget, lose interest in this important goal/boundary I set. I find it hard to stay consistent. And it’s disappointing.

Last month  my uncle and I spoke. During the conversation he let me know that he would like to gift me a down payment on a condo. I was stunned. I have never received such a monetary gift. I don’t think I spoke about this uncle much. Since then I have been learning so much about buying a home and what is actually required. I have a lot of work to do financially before I can afford this. This is a goal I must stick to.