Hello!!!

I really like your feedback. I hadn’t thought about what it would be like to not get a response.
I think I may just put responding on my list and start small by even just viewing posts and seeing what aligns. I feel like I have been getting the message lately that my suffering and consequential healing is not for nothing and that I can share my light with those in need.

Yes! I can relate to ALL of what you said in regard to the judging.
Also, I am pretty tough on myself and can be that way to others. I start seeing little things and will think in my head “well if this is a healing place, then why did she act that way” etc. And then I have to remind myself that I am not perfect (and should have never been or tried to be) so why am I placing that on someone else.Life is so much better when you are free to make mistakes anyway. I think some of the judgement really comes down to fear. Fear of being disliked. As I have been going to this meeting I am noticing the way I still people please and wish to be acknowledged by everyone in order to feel safety and free to be myself. I am hoping this week to focus on being more calm and going with the flow. I have gravitated to a few and feel a sense of a barrier with others. Growing up I always “had” to change that and do anything possible to get that party to like me. I do want that anymore. I can chat and hang out with those I am enjoying and not try to control the rest. Just have fun and enjoy myself.

Hi!

I can relate. Even just going to the grocery store helps when I get way too isolated.

The weather here has been in its transition. Still hot but offering some breeze later in the evening. Soon we will be coming up on our Florida “cold fronts”.

Hi Anita,

I really understand that, about being used to negativity. I am happy you enjoyed what I wrote.
Absolutely lets be friends, my responses are sometimes more delayed than yours but I am here and will always respond.

I am happy you experienced some calm on Saturday. Having Tics seems like a challenge. Sending you a big hug

Oh yeah, when our mental health is better life is better.

I am feeling uneasy tonight. Thinking about my patterns. How hurtful codependency and blaming behaviors affect my life. Wishing it was as easy as knowing they exist and able to turn them off. But I remind myself this is a marathon not a sprint, this healing journey.

On a fun note I got new kitchen counter tops this weekend and I LOVE THEM!!!!! 🙂

Hi Anita,

Good idea. I also began reading your entry on diving into your childhood(It Is really good). I am slow to read but I am pushing myself to focus more on reading, learning and getting out of my head.

I am beginning to accept that this is a long game. Maybe it will be less time and maybe it won’t. I have to accept that.

When I look back at my relationships I often find that I was the clingy one.I cannot just say I gave more and they gave less, it was more like I needed love right then and there as I was deprived of it so I didn’t mind laying down as a doormat for it. I often accepted whatever was given to me. Someone could call me and I would miss the call and then I would call back, text, leave a voicemail. And then wait at my phone for a response. It is pretty sad to think of.

More recently, with the last five years of growth, I am less clingy, less desperate and I know myself more and what I like. I try to give others the space to be them without trying to control or romanticize the relationship. But all of this is a work in progress.

Having my family back in my life was easy and I became lazy with trying to connect. So I do not have much experience as of recently.
What I realized in this group is my expectation for others to take the leap and open their arms to me. I lack initiative in this area and other areas of my life.

Well that is my start, I am eager to hear yours

Hi Anita,

Well, I am afraid of being committed to something. This is something called Celebrate Recovery. It is pretty cool. People celebrating different recoveries, whether it is sex, drugs, anger, co dependencies etc. So I am afraid to take that leap and say yes I have this issue and I am going to actively work on it, although, it could be good for me.

Nothing in particular has made me distrust the people. Maybe just my past, being betrayed, especially in groups.
After the meeting there is this gathering for a meal in the diner. My anxiety flares up. I don’t feel connected to anyone. I watch everyone talking and finding a partner to sit with. So I go sit at a table by myself. Two older ladies wave me over to their table. I was grateful because I felt so out of place. This situation brings me so much anxiety. I am so used to being alone, I don’t know how to connect.

Thank you! I needed to hear those things. And continuing reading those things and repeating them because my self sabotage is extreme these last few days. Like I know this is growth because some of these uncomfortable feelings are hard to sit with. Mainly knowing I allowed so much. I basically have been a doormat to so many people in my life and I have been masking it like everything was ok. And I actually believed everything was. That is so confusing. but something I am learning about myself. Yes I have to slow down and be whatever this transition needs to be but that scares me. Thank you for being here. You always have too!

Well I understand that now more than ever. Still a lot of love for them and a lot of confusion. What happened is really more of a reflection of my self worth and desire to belong so I put up with way more than I should have. Not intentionally. I was just going through the motions of life and also trying to balance a relationship with family. The problem is that there is very little return on my investment in that relationship. I tend to put on blinders and act like these tiny pieces of affection are signs that the relationship is building. But I have to let go for a while. I desire more out of my relationships. I deserve more. I deserve to put me first and not be punished for it. It has been tough. I just recently blocked everyone. Maybe for a little while or maybe for a long while.

Hi Anita!

Thank you for your response. It is so nice to be able to read these conversations and reflect on the growth and also the connection. It has been years! You have heard of all the bits and pieces and even the ugliest parts of my journey. What a true blessing to be able to have that. Very grateful for this site.

Sorry I have taken a while to respond. Honestly I need to work on that. I can easily get distracted and put more important things on the back burner. But one step at a time.

I can absolutely resonate with your past and much of your challenges growing up.
Especially feeling the anger and fear yet longing for the love. The fear of abandonment. Becoming angry for having to be the caretaker. Resentment for not having a safe upbringing.
Reading your experience is eye opening. You really have a strong understanding of yourself and your past. I don’t know if I have gone that deep. I almost feel afraid to put myself in my younger self’s shoes.
I believe as a child I took on a caretaker role because it was drilled into me that I was supposed to. My mother had diabetes and also addiction so those together created an ” ill ” mother. Who else would take care of her. She was very emotionally weak. The elders in my family often made it clear we had to care for my mom. We got praised for caring for my mom. When I think about it, it was always about her. I can see clearly now that was my identity and I had no identity of my own.

These conflicting feelings—love, anger, fear, and longing—were incredibly complex and shaped how I related to her and the world around me. Processing these dynamics over time has helped me understand myself better and has given me tools to heal.

– I love this for you. You encourage me to continue processing. I have dug into my childhood. And have had it best put in words by you. But I think I usually try to process current challenges as a result of more recent events and maybe it would be helpful to dig deeper into what is ingrained from childhood.

I am happy you are finding peace and allowing yourself to care for others again. This is inspiring to me.