Hi Anita,

Yes there are covert and overt narcissist. I do believe in it just because I have been on Quora and spoke to so many women who dealth with the exact same thing I did. Ok so here is a list of the criteria, but first let me say that yes he was good to me for years at least that is what I thought. But I see now everything he did secured me to stay with him. I hate to look at it like that but it seems that way. Here is a list..

Every time we fought it turned out it was my fault. For years I was confused because I thought I was being the best women I could be and it seemed like nothing I could do was right. ( I now realize he used subtle ways of convincing me of doubting my own judgement.)

He never gave me any space but somehow convinced me I was the clingy one who never gave him space. When I look back there were times he frustrated me and I would say please just give me some time and he would pick at me until I exploded. I now see that he purposely wanted me to explode so that the initial crime he committed was forgotten, now we could focus on my anger instead of him taking accountability.

I couldn’t say no to him or his family. I mean yes I could, but not without being guilted into feeling bad for doing something for myself.

Him and his family were amazing to me in the beginning, I thought I found a golden family. As soon as I started to enforce boundaries I seen the masks falling. I seen them isolate me. I seen them talk behind my back. I am no angel but I did not deserve any of this yet he convinced me I was.

He started telling people I was mentally unstable and I was but because he was driving me to it. Do not get me wrong I have my own problems and wounds as you know but he confused me to the point I did not trust myself. I couldn’t even make decisions. on my own for the simplest thing. Now being away from him the freedom I have to choose for myself feels so good and guilt free.

I found out in the end he was speaking on chat lines to over 50 women. And was meeting up with an ex when he was “supposedly” at work. When I caught him he said he had an addiction to being validated. He said he didn’t know what wrong with him. That he needs attention. And that is one thing I believe. I don’t think he truly was aware of his behaviors. It’s his way of survival. And this in case you are wondering is why I still miss him. I seen him at his best and worst. I miss his best and feel terrible that he feels he needs this constant validation because he feels so low. But I do understand it is not my place to fix him. That is progress for me because I have always felt like I can fix people.

There is more but cannot think of it now.

The man is on a rampage now. Women have contacted me on social media asking if we were together because they feel he is lying to them. Multiple women and he is pathologically lying to them as well now. I feel bad for him some days on the days I don’t hate him for how he betrayed me.

That is another thing, I found out he was lying to me about everything, including work!! His business. Lord only knows how he was paying our bills.

Oh God, it makes me sick writing this stuff. How could I miss this man? But again how does one simply let go of someone they once loved and gave their heart, body and soul too?? It seems so normal but I am such a lover and believed in the fairy tale.

Hi Anita,

Of course you will hear from me, probably until the end of one of our times. I have been working my second job and not feeling the best these last couple of days. It has helped me to be at peace seeing people for what and who they are but also scares me and makes me sad. I went 30 years believing that life and people were as genuine as me. Learning that 95 percent of people just want to use people is shocking. Makes me feel like what is the point? If no one genuinely cares why do we gather? Why not be alone.

Besides these thoughts I have been craving and constantly missing my ex these days. I do not know what is bringing this on. I just sit and wonder how he let 5 years go down the drain? I was so good to him. I blamed myself in the beginning but when I look back I gave him everything. Then to find out about Narcissistic Personality Disorder!!! Do you believe in this disorder? I have read so much on it that I am drained and astounded this exists and is incurable!

My job I have right now is based out of Florida where I was living. I work from home right now. I make 17/hour. Going to be starting a second job which I can save that check entirely. I think my pay would qualify me for a small mortgage of the priced condos in Florida. But again no one in Florida. I do like the area I lived in there.  Very safe and much cheaper than Illinois. But don’t know how I’d feel back there after break up. I’m in an Air BnB right now in a shared house. It’s oddly not that bad but I’m so exhausted from running around. Wish I had stability and comfort. Wish my Aunt was a bit more supportive. Am I asking too much? It seems every one I’m with since being home I am not satisfied with.

Hi Anita, I agree with you and I have been eliminating a lot of people in suffering and I will say it feels good at times. But when I see my future I still can’t help but see me happier, more stable and good people in my life but still having my family and hopefully one day helping them become healthier but I do understand that in the mean time I have to worry about me for once and focus on myself. Yes I hope I am out soon enough as well. I still have 5000 saved which could potentially get me an apartment here furnished but then I become a renter and probably wont be able to save living alone. Where as if I save another 5 grand I can potentially own a 50000 condo in Florida and pay less mortgage there than a rent here in Illinois. I am afraid to live in a city all alone but am becoming increasingly confident about this. I really would like to invest in something. I know my future self would thank me. But toughing it out here with my Aunt is getting rough. We had a conversation last night where she insinuates that when she had to start over after divorce it took her 5 years and was stay beneath an aunt of ours that was evil! She basically said you have to put up with crap until you are able to set out on your own and I find that to be mean. When she offered me this place I thought she was supporting me and now it seems she did it for some type of control. She has helped me a lot but I will not do things I don’t want to do because some one helped me. Is that selfish?

Hi Anita, you are right and the universe has been pushing me to think of my life. But where to start? In just 6 months I’ve lost so much and learned so much. About myself and everyone else in my life. Things so painful that I don’t know how I survived some nights. Today my brother texted me again and said I Love you and I could help but tell him he has treated me less than love. He responded that he doesn’t know why I feel that way and we can talk about it at dinner. Me furious said there was nothing to talk about that he knew how he had treated me during the weekend and that he is lost and in bad company! (I really did over step boundaries). His reply was that he had no idea what I was talking about and that he is here to talk or hang out and loves me. I’m so confused. I cannot just stop talking to my brother, he will continue to reach out.  There are days where I feel so strong in my decisions and others where I question myself. I guess his reply was invalidating so I started to wonder if I’m over reacting with my boundaries. I have always been taught family is everything and although family has betrayed me I still believe family is important. I hope I can find myself and my life and reunite with family and have a support system. In this life you need support. I’m confused.

Hi Anita, that’s a very hard decision to make but I do think I have to go that route. I an connected to his son he is 4. I love him dearly. I am extremely close to my niece in Chicago. It’s so sad this is reality. I feel so bad that my family communicates so poorly including me at times. I’ve been working at better communicating and boundaries but this trip branch the worst out of me. At the amusement park I feel my brother had tension from the last time we were here and basically passive aggressively antagonized me about it. It was cruel in mean. And I in return canceled Grand Canyon and went to hotel and haven’t spoke to him since. My communication was no better. So stressful and hurtful. Trying to calm this anxiety down. And trying to figure out how to end this trip well. I slept at my brothers house for the last night. Flight is at 5 30 pm. So here all day. My other brother should be coming and I basically have ignored his girlfriend and him so not sure how to deal with that toxic awkwardness. I just want to have the best possible ending to this trip. Was thinking of escaping to airport early but don’t want to run from the situation, rather confront it? Any suggestions?

Such a scary thought to me. Life is altering so so fast in ways I never would have imagined. Even from 6 months ago. I feel afraid and alone. Having a terrible time at an amusement park. Noticing and learning much. But also hurting and mourning what I thought was a bond for life with my family. It is heart breaking to say the least.

Anita you are so wise and so right but I continue to feel that family is all I’ve ever known. I don’t know where to begin a life without them and especially without my ex. I am truly alone. And for that I am sad. I don’t feel I deserve this feeling. I am not perfect, and I am sure I’ve hurt people along the way unintentionally but my heart is pure. I’ve given love when it wasn’t deserved. I’ve been a shoulder and I’ve given my all to family, friends, and men. Why do I suffer then with insecurities, pain, hurt, and doubt. I do think it is my last trip. At least for a long while. Dinner was ok, but definitely could have been better.