Hi Anita!

I am sorry I have fallen into some major procrastination again. It seems to be my biggest struggle lately but mainly when it comes to connecting. I have been successful at keeping up other things. I am back on the horse and I fall off again often but never hurts as much as the time before and I get back up. I think my medication is helping a lot. Finally consistent and it has been well over 6 months. Also consistent weekly therapy with a therapist that I am trusting. She is good. Looking back at our notes I notice it has been so long since we spoke. I had been in contact with my Aunt and went to see her in May when life got really difficult. It was not as successful as a reunion as I would of liked. But a lesson well learned. I put myself in that blender you warned me about again. As far as reuniting with my father that wasn’t so bad but also a little scary and still has me uneasy. When his mother died (my Grandma) I felt it necessary to go see him. My sweet Grandma, one of the people in my family who loved me the most unconditionally as she could. Such a loss. This medication makes me a bit numb so I am not sure how deeply sad I could have felt but I was very heartbroken. Things have been a littler smoother in my life for about 2 months now. It is nice. I have been more in touch with gratefulness and joy versus only that constant fear. I am so grateful. I think my procrastination on connecting more is my fear of moving on. But I dont rush myself anymore. I simply told myself I had been thinking of you since I seen your reply and that today is the day I wouldn’t procrastinate. No more bashing myself. I really am learning not to be mean to me anymore. And take life as it comes. A lot I need to still achieve. I recently lost my part time job that I had been doing Full time and that was stressful but I have been searching for a more traditional position again with better pay. Oh and I got a kitty! I love him. It has been a week and he is really evoking that love button in me. Lots of work though.

How are you Anita? I hope well despite our world still going a bit crazy.

Hi Anita,

Ok, your right it is a fearful place to be. I decided on more money. I already started to feel taken advantage of within the other company first couple of days. It was kind of a low pay and I thought I deserved more when I am literally at my witts end exhausting my energy to work. Am I thrilled with the other job? I dont know yet. It seems to be up in flames personnel wise but i do not want to complain. I am trying to look at work only as a means to make my livelihood versus a place for emotions. But boy that is hard when my emotions are haywire.

I am having a little trouble accepting life as it is. I want things to be easier. The little girl throwing a tantrum for her family as you painted a picture for me before. But little Nichole has to grow up.

Yes you Asked about what I meant about Psychoses. Yes intense fear and anxiety followed by numb/dissociation. And once in a great relief. Sometimes it makes me feel crazy.

Hi Anita,

Sorry for the delay in response. Hiding away from the world has been a norm for me. I do remember the rooster and glad he has stopped causing trouble.

I did put my trust in the girl who helped me with the tire. The relationship hasn’t gone far though. And that is ok. She was helpful and I am grateful. I do my control issues likely play a role in my relationships not going far. Unconsciously I tend to try and control my experiences in various ways so I am accepted and don’t get hurt and to appear to “be ok”. I have this strong guard up with everything recently. It is so stressful. Riddled in fear most days still. I am starting to recall what you told me over a year ago. Be prepared to be uncomfortable for a while. Or something of that nature. I have been this way my entire life and so changing this stress response and patterns will take time. I guess I am just hoping for a bit more relief than I have had.

Here is my latest dilemma causing me to go into overdrive. I was on unemployment for the past 3 months. I started my job hunt and landed a remote position. This is what I wanted. I also interviewed for an office coordinator position making 7 dollars more. I know I am more than competent for the position, however, I am the furthest thing from feeling confident. I feel like a worthless human being lately so it’s hard to trust myself enough to function.

I had accepted the job with the remote company last week. Today the owner of the local business called me and offered position. I took it. They both start Monday. I do not know how to juggle this decision. My heart is telling me to go for more money as I definitely need to get caught up but I was thrilled to find a remote position. The position is new and being creative and thought I could really express myself. There is a lot of structure there with direct planning and projects daily which I love because not really any guessing on what is happening. Also, the local business is a screen company. It is unique to the trade and I would be in charge with most all administration. It seems like a lot of work. They both do. Which is fine but I am nervous because of course I have memories and flashbacks to the old job with my old boss. Demeaning and cruel at times. Discarded me and acted like I did not exist in the end. I do know I played a role in this as well. But how can I trust I wont create this in my life again when I am in such distress and fear still.

You told me and I lived by it for a long time. Don’t judge my day on how i felt but more on how I functioned. I always carry that with me because it is true. I feel hopeless most days, sometimes so overwhelmed and lost. But my bills are paid. I am showered. My clothes are cleaned. I am fed. I am attending Church tomorrow God Willing. I will go on a walk today. So I keep wondering why my feelings wont align. But then I think back to all the unfelt feelings. And the disconnect from the people who were my tribe. I am alone beside some really kind virtual friends and pen pals like you and Tiny Buddha and my facebook people and a therapist and a group I belong to. But I guess this is my new beginning. I guess my fear is trying to hold me back from moving on.

You are right. I just got some more information on it today. And looking outside of myself it is best to get it for our society. Stronger Together.

Thanks for getting back Anita,

I honestly wouldn’t have know about the pandemic statistics had you not mentioned them. I feel safe against Covid just because of my faith but honestly I have been working with the public a lot lately so I am highly exposed.

Thanks for complimenting my writing. I think through all of the pain and suffering I’ve become much more expressive in writing and in speaking at times. When you are in the midst of suffering sometimes your voice dies and when you are put to the test you have to dig deep and find the words. I’m working on this.

What a year! The isolation has made things worse and more confusing. I’ve recently considered contacting my aunt. The one I lived with. There are things I miss about her. But not sure if that’s just the nostalgia. I read back to some of posts last year and I was in despair in that relationship at one point. I’m lacking the support I need with all of the trauma coming up for me. My sexual abuse has been prominent but I struggle to go down that road knowing there isn’t an emotionally available close relationship I can rely on when that road gets bumpy.

Hi Anita, thank you.

As always you read me well. You are right. I have no choice but to make it in this world as an abused adult. I have my good days that I make through more than just surviving and I’m so grateful for those days and days like today where I struggle hard and feel victimized all over. I truly struggle with a victim mentality and it does not benefit me but my anxiety really takes over and I feel trapped. And stuck in life.

Hi Anita,

I have thought of some new possibilities. Including, finding a new job Asap. My boss is triggering me daily. He is a special kind of cruel. Today he made a anonymous Offer Up page and antagonized me on it. I believe sometimes you have doubted the abuse I have endured recently out of the belief that it is my perception of the world. I know I am living with an abused filter. 100%. But it does mean there is no abuse. Abuse has happened because I allow it. Tonight I am feeling so much. I am so disappointing that I did not care for myself. That I sabotaged my life because of the actions of others again. It hurts so bad right now. There were so many times I knew what I should do but my anxiety and constant care for others caused me to prioritize me right under my nose. I always felt like I was doing what was best for me but I was letting the voice in my head win. It hurts. I thought I learned that I should come first. I thought I was healing. I should of listened to you and others on what moves to make. I feel like I let myself down. I have been sabotaging for decades. I am so scared of healing and for what is to come. I fear I will keep being abused. And even more that I will keep abusing myself in my head. I do not deserve it and I still struggle to love me. I struggle to forgive. I am so hard on myself. I am repeating all that was told me all of my life. I realize my entire childhood consisted of being wrong. I was never right. I could be sick and I was told to suck it up, I could be hurt at school and I was asked what I did, someone could have disrespected me and I was told to hush, My grandma could have isolated me and I was told to not disrespect my elders, I was sent out into the world with 0 tools on how to protect myself. My parents lived such a toxic dangerous life yet never felt the need to tell me about the cruel cruel world. I was left to fend for myself so submitting was my choice so that I can control not being hurt. At least that is how I seen it. I am so sad by this. I needed help. I needed protection. I was so scared all the time. I did not know whether I would come home to no mom again, my dad beating on the walls, locked in the bathroom overdosing on drugs, my brothers bullying me, whether it would be a night for a sneak attack from my brother and his penis on my back. God it hurts to admit this. It hurts to know I had no one and still have no one to protect in my family. I truly feel like I need help and continue trying to do this on my own. I am struggling. I am a grown woman who is feeling like a 5 year trying to live on her own with no contact from the outside world. I am completely exhausted.

Rant over. I sit here in tears. I sit here scared for the future. I sit here wondering who can I turn to? It was never fair for me to have to go through everything alone and why do I have to now?