Thank you Anita, you always seem to help me settle my mind even if for the moment. I am trying not to be alarmed but it seems to be so frequent lately. The up and downs are draining. I am trying to figure them out and write them down so I can find a trigger or something. I had such hopes the other day we spoke and now no where to be found. That is so scary. How I can achieve this task of life this way? Surely everyone isn’t going through this or at least doesn’t seem like it. Right now my guess is that life is settling in, My mom past, my relationship failed and I found out I have being practically bamboozled most of my life by people who I thought loved me. I’d call this to say the least traumatic? I know I have PTSD and see a therapist through face time as much as financially possible. I have learned I have severe codependency traits so am working on boundaries and loving myself. This has been so difficult especially here in Chicago where all of my family resides and know me as being a certain way and now I am trying to be anything but that. But is that the right thing? Sometimes my mind tells me “just give in and be codependent it will feel better” my mind tells me to contact my ex and get that love back in your life. So many hard things happening to me. No wonder I have anxiety. My biggest fear right now is getting into a deep depression. So I try to stay on my toes but it is exhausting. I have yet to feel comfortable anywhere since being back here. I was used to my own place and space with my boyfriend and I was used to Florida. I haven’t even watched TV. It’s been 6 months. I am either bathing, reading about narcissism and codependency and looking at real estate trying to figure out what to do with myself. I really do not know what my next step is. Part of me is saying get away from my family and be alone for some time, and when I am in a better mood I think staying in Chicago is best because what will happen when I am all alone and have no one? Will I become isolated an depressed? I definitely catastrophize and have tried in every way to stop today. It is such an ugly feeling.

Hi Anita,

Yes, thankfully I am persevering and made a sensible decision which I am so glad I made. These last two nights have been great. I have had so much peace to just sit and think about all that has happened to me. I am still sad, and hurt, and anxious but am ambitious for the future. I have many ideas on where to go next in my life. But as soon as  I think of them fear follows like a leach. I get excited when I feel confident about something as soon it turns to fear and doubt. I sometimes fear if I don’t make some type of move now then I will be at this standstill forever or just stay where I am at. I don’t want to leave my aunts so soon because I would like to save and invest. I think investing would be the best way for me to go. I lost 5 year in my relationship with nothing to show for financially and I want to secure something in my life. But I also do not want to continue somewhere I cannot tolerate. I definitely think the break I had from my aunt was needed and has helped with my feelings toward her. But I also think being alone brung me a sense of calmness. I think since I have arrived in Chicago after my break up I have lived a life of not knowing what was next. I have been living everyone else’s life. I miss my Florida life and I wonder if I should think of going back there? I have my job there. To invest would be half as expensive. I fear being away from my family but also know that I have learned we are truly alone in this world. Family will always be there when you need them but If i live my life here in Chicago where everyone always needs something will I ever live the life I want for myself?

So what do we do when this emotional experience gets activated? How do we overcome what we went through as a child? How can I go on in my life and make plans and decisions and live the life I want if this continues to happen to me? You said in an earlier reply to expect to be distressed for a long time. How long? How do I cope meanwhile. I am so afraid sometimes when I get this anxiety. I am 30. I still want kids and a husband and a life. How will I get that if I continue this cycle on repeat. I am so afraid of being alone in this world.

Hi Anita, Thank you. I have been functioning pretty well. I have learned to go on despite my feelings. I just find it so difficult sometimes to feel OK and pretty good about myself and future and then wake up in an anxiety the following day. Is this normal? You say that distress will follow for a long time, why? It’s been 5 months since my break up and 3 and a half months since my mom passed and well I guess a lifetime of abuse. I just want to know I am making the right decisions. I wanted some independence and more space at my aunts house but now I am lonely and I also came because I was feeling disrespected at my brothers house but could that just be my up and down emotions? My brother is very good to me but no he is not perfect and I find it hard to draw the line. I have been setting boundaries with people or at least trying but I am not sure if I am doing the right thing because I feel like since doing so and since not putting up with things I don’t feel great about it and I don’t have a lot of support. My friends haven’t been speaking to me and my family hasn’t been loving my boundaries.

I am trying to live intentionally but I keep going up and down with my emotions. One day I am confident that I got it and the next few days I am down and out and then I have to start over. I am definitely learning to admit that I have been defeated. I have been trying to change my mother and brother for years. I am learning that I cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change. It is hard for me to accept because I find it hard to go live a life that I want on my own with my family behind me. I want us all to better ourselves. It is like I am the only one in my family to see that it is dysfunctional. I am making progress but had some slip ups with my codependency. My brother is in a new relationship and I seen him acting very co dependently so I of course became consumed and offered unwanted advice. He was bringing her and her kids over every weekend and I felt it was disrespectful to my father and I as we are also roommates in this apartment. I brang it to his attention and we had tension for a while. I am trying to forgive myself for acting so co dependently regarding his relationship because I was doing so well and I have been putting up boundaries with everyone. He has apologized for not considering how I felt about having company every weekend and now I feel bad. I am trying to stick to my boundaries but I then start feeling bad about them with my family. I am planning to move to my aunts house on the first. I am scared to make this move. I have also become attached to living with my brother these last 5 months and I am afraid I will have regret but I know this is what we need. I also am afraid that my aunt is so highly codependent and judgmental and I fear she will rub off on me as she sometimes does. I can afford to live on my own with my 5000 saved but I want to continue to save so I can put down on an investment so I can start securing myself. I am confused with some of these decisions and fear that I will become emotional with more changes. I have broke up with the man I loved, moved states, had to live in a tiny apartment with father and brother, my mother passed away, I recently started putting boundaries with my older brother and haven’t talked to him much, and now another move. Things are so confusing and scary in my life. I just want to know I am doing the right thing.

Thanks for the response Anita,

You really put things in perspective for me. I needed her so bad. I still need her. I feel that most of my issues in life have to do with not having loving parents, at least ones who made me a priority because they did love me. The problem I have is I have too much empathy. I put myself in her shoes. I am currently suffering from self hate, self shame and codependency. What if she suffered from those things? What if she just didn’t know how to love me. She was a sweet and kind woman some times and would do little cute things for me but as far as a mother figure she did fail. I had no guidance, and no one to care about how I was feeling. I was clearly a depressed child and adult but she offered no life advice. But what if she just didn’t have those things to offer. I often wonder why I come up with excuses for people to hurt me. As I earlier mentioned I was sexually abused by my brother. I would say from what I remember ages 5-13. And I have kept it inside all these years. I’m just now learning to validate myself for what I went through. It was never a forceful thing it was a manipulation. And I am so angry I allowed it. I allow so much abuse in my life. I have often considered my brother and I to be close after the abuse and as an adult. He can be kind and we have both given each other great life advice. But at this point in my life I am very distant with him as I am feeling the pain of what he did to me. I am angry with myself for keeping a good relationship with him and honestly trying to “please” him and his fiance for the last 9 years. I am learning about narcissism since my break up and I truly believe my brother and his woman are both narcissistic. I am so fed up with abuse. I realize how much I put up with in my own relationship with my ex. I was so devastated after the break up but when I look back he isn’t acting any different than what he did in the relationship. I always had to apologize and I was always trying to be perfect and up to his standards and after finding out he was cheated I finally stood up for myself and left. But when I stand up for myself with these people my mind plays games with me and I start finding ways to empathize for what they did to me. And I almost wish they were back in my life. It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not.

Thank you so much Anita. Your words are so wise and always help me through. I do suffer from the same as you these days. I suffer with feeling joy. I feel guilty that she isn’t here anymore. I am doing better but still struggle daily. I will say I have had a bit of a distraction while I am still grieving my breakup. It is so hard to lose my mom and then not have the man who has always been there for me be there during this time. I feel so alone even though I do have family. I feel empty. I’m back home in Chicago living at home where my mother and brother resided. I sleep in my Mom’s room. I feel like my life is turned upside down. I miss florida but my family is here and I know I need them at this time. I have no clue how to restart my life. I still love my ex even though he cheated on me and is totally discarding me because I’ve bashed him so much. I feel like I’ll never find a love like ours again. I’m so lost and I try to have motivation and hope each day but I am struggling.  So many emotions at once that I feel trapped.

I believe it will hurt him because he chose me as the God Mother of his child. He trusted me with that title. But none of this comes from him. They have poor communication and I don’t even know if he knows about these things she does. But it is very difficult for me to tell him because he is very touchy about her. As you put it, no most people don’t do that but alot of people out here are insensitive and expect more than they give and I don’t know how to deal with it. In the even I cannot just walk away, how do you say I deal with such an issue? I will be around her for 5 days. I want to enjoy myself regardless what others are doing.