June 18, 2020 at 12:54 pm #358873anitaParticipant
“I know I am living with an abused filter.. But it does not mean there is no abuse. Abuse has happened because I allow it”- you were abused as a child, in your home of origin. And not because you allowed it, you had no choice.
What I learned more thoroughly lately, and have a better understanding of, is that a person abused as a child, is most often vulnerable as an adult, and people of the “special kind of cruel” that you mentioned, take advantage and even prey on the vulnerable. So it is way more likely for an abused child to encounter real life abuse as an adult than an adult who was not abused as a child.
You wrote regarding abuse: “I don’t deserve it”, and I agree full heartedly. You are right: you don’t deserve abuse.
“I could be sick and I was told to suck it up, I could be hurt at school and I was asked what I did, someone could have respected me and I was told to hush”- you no longer have to suck it up, to look for what you did wrong when you didn’t do anything wrong. You no longer have to hush. In this very recent post you shared more about the terrible abuse you suffered growing up, you are not keeping it hush anymore, and it is the right thing for you to do: to voice loudly what was hushed before.
“I am a grown woman who is feeling like a 5 year trying to live on her own.. I sit here wondering who can I turn to? It was never fair for me to have to go through everything alone and why do I have to now?”
– It is not fair that you grew up in an abused household, that no one saved you, and that you entered the adult world as a vulnerable 5 year old woman who still needs someone to love her, guide her, and protect her.
“why do I have to now?” because you are not a five year old. If you were a five year old, child protective services could be contacted and a foster home or an adoptive home could be arranged for you, and if you were lucky, it would have been a good home for you. But you are not a child.
Are there government or charity organizations that provide homes for five year old women who need guidance and protection?
If there aren’t, then you “have to now” do what you need to do to experience a better life than the one you had so far. You have to make it happen because no one else will make it happen for you.
I hope to read back from you soon enough.
June 21, 2020 at 6:33 am #359089JohnParticipant
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 4 days ago by anita.
Nicole I wish you very, very well..and can identify with much of what I’ve read all around this place, may you find the victory over the areas that cause your heart pain, may all of us be able to forgive ourselves and one another, and become nurturing healers and beings of love and light 🥰