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  • #346752
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    You can call your ex boyfriend, and his parents. Maybe they will respond positively to you, but I am not optimistic about the results. I am particularly not optimistic regarding any of them inviting you to their home, because of the pandemic and the social distancing requirements.

    anita

    #346762
    Nichole
    Participant

    I am in so much fear I don’t know what else to do.

    #346766
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    According to your sharing with me, you’ve been experiencing intense fear, non-stop, for over a year, or longer. Is that the case, non stop, intense, on and on and on, never a break?

    anita

     

    #358098
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    How is life treating you?

    It has been a while. Yea I had been in pretty much a state of intense fear for a long time. I still do. But have periods of numbing, forgetting and confusion. A lot of pain and anger. Sadly anger at myself most times. My anxiety can literally make me hate myself. It is unfair. Makes me sad.

     

    Hope you are well despite our Worlds current condition..

     

    #358099
    Nichole
    Participant

    Ok, posting again and re reading some of our posts and come across this.

     

     

    You Wrote

    “You also wrote: “I long for the day.. where the people in  my life are happy to see me and happy for me and I don’t have to defend or be perfect. Lord please bless me with this”.

    My input today: you are still, to this very day, “so focused on (your) family”, still you “forget the abuse and reach out for the love again”, and as you do that, you are feeling worse and worse and this has been going on for.. how long, years since we communicated, and before. Only it is getting worse for you.

    You call it codependency or a love addiction. Imagine this: there is this child who goes with her mother to a particular supermarket in the neighborhood. There are other supermarkets and shops elsewhere, but it happens that this child is taken to this particular supermarket. The child craves chocolate but her mother, father, whomever takes her to that supermarket, won’t buy it for her, so she drops to the floor and kicks and screams, throwing a fit: but I want chocolate! I want it! I want it!

    Fast forward this imagery, the child is a woman, and she is still on that supermarket floor screaming: I want chocolate! I want chocolate! And I am not going anywhere until I get it! This woman is tired throwing this years long anger tantrum,  she is bruised, her body hurts, she is miserable and suffering.

    So I- in the context of the old thread- I visit you in that supermarket and I say: Nichole, get up, leave this supermarket, you can buy your own chocolate over there, outside this place. The therapists you saw- paying them thousands of dollars- didn’t help, you are still throwing that anger tantrum in that supermarket: I want that chocolate! I want it!!!

    In the old thread I told that child-woman all that I had to say, there is nothing more, then we took a break and months later you started a new thread and.. you are still suffering,  only more, still in that one supermarket still kicking and screaming, only your voice is getting weaker perhaps and your body hurts more. So what-to-do?

    Well, I figure, the child-woman is quite persistent, she will not leave! No matter what I say, no matter the thousands of dollars she spent on therapy, no matter the length of time she has been suffering- she just won’t leave that d*^* supermarket.

    Therefore, I figure, bring in some bandages, clean and dress those wounds on those legs, place a soft carpet underneath her so that she hurts less when she bangs her body against the floor. I mean, she is going to stay there, keep doing the same-old-same-old, so might as well make her more comfortable.

    In real life, outside this imagery, that means getting on psychiatric medications that will work for you. Getting serious about taking what will work, not starting and quitting but following instructions and persisting, working with one good psychiatrist on the matter.

    This way  you can be more comfortable, less pain, I hope, as you keep focusing on your family and keep reaching out for their love.

    What  do you think about giving up the idea of doing anything different from what you have been doing, but take psychiatric drugs that will make you hurt less and less, so I hope?

    anita”

     

    So I left the super market to look for my chocolate else where. I got to Florida. I attempted to stabilize in different roommate situations that did not work out. I acclimated to a church and got hurt by its members. I feel worse than I did with family most times. I feel like I made the wrong decision sometimes. Cant tell if that the child woman or me. The lines are getting blurred. I left family which was a half a** love but now have none?? My body is definitely reacting with all of this fear. I mean I cannot even choose what is for dinner without having a panic attack. Things get crazy. I feel like I am doing everything wrong. Made bad decisions. Why do I continue having the same bad experiences. Why do so many people hurt me. I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that says treat me bad. Needless to say I haven’t found my new supermarket.

    #358120
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Good to read from you two months and eight days since you last posted. Not good to read that you are not well, still in “a state of intense fear for a long time”, with “periods of numbing, forgetting and confusion. A lot of pain and anger”, hating yourself and sad, cannot even choose what is for dinner without having a panic attack”.

    Regarding the chocolate-supermarket imagery, the chocolate representing the love you didn’t experience as a child, and the supermarket representing your family of origin, I suggested to you in that imagery-post that the practical aspect of the imagery would be”getting on psychiatric medications that will work for you.. working with one good psychiatrist”. I suggested that at the time because for a long, long time, you expressed severe anxiety and panic attacks, and insomnia and lots of suffering, and you had this pattern where you started this or that psychiatric medication and stopped, started another and stopped. You also spent a lot of money on (non-drugs) trauma therapy but it didn’t help you.

    In your recent post, you didn’t mention that you are under the care of a responsible psychiatrist who works with you for your benefit. What you did share is that you looked for chocolate in Florida but you feel worse than you felt living in Chicago. You wrote that you feel like you have a “sign on my forehead that says treat me bad”, that you didn’t find your “new supermarket” in Florida, and you asked: “Why do I continue having the same bad experiences. Why do so many people hurt me?”

    I don’t know, Nichole. I do know that I wish it wasn’t so. I wish you didn’t continue having the same bad experiences. But what can I do about it. A long time ago we discussed you staying in my home for a while, the idea crossed my mind, I wanted to help you badly because you expressed so much suffering for so long. But I realized soon enough that it was a bad idea. What I realized then was that my home would probably be one more of “the same bad experiences” for you, and that in your mind, I would  have become one of the people you’d feel hurt by (“so many people hurt me”).

    No doubt there are people in Florida who hurt other people (just like anywhere else), but no doubt there are people who perceive that they are being hurt by others when it is not true: misinterpreting facial expressions and body language, misinterpreting words said and tone of voice, etc.

    Have you had contact with your family in Chicago or in Arizona all this time?

    anita

    #358224
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Thanks for getting back. I am sad too that it is the case. Here is the good. I’ve managed to lead a clean life regardless of my anxiety and depression. I am still working. I haven’t turned to men. I’m still trying to reach out for help.

    Regarding medication and a psychiatrist, no I currently am not on anything. I decided to get off a while ago because I felt it was making me more but honestly I feel like the screaming girl is going to keep screaming until I give her something familiar. Does that seem too far fetched?

    I’ve tried 4 medications. Found a psychiatrist here and it didn’t work. I’m not sure how to find a good one. I was recommended this Dr. who asked me in a session which medication I’d like to try. It was not reassuring. It’s tiring to keep trying when I have had so many bad experiences after the next. Nothing good getting thrown in between.

    I totally forgot there was a time you offered your place. Back when I was in a hotel. You may be right. I’d likely find abuse.

    Here’s what I will say about the abuse or people treating me wrong. I know it is less personal and more just the way people are. The logic I know but can’t feel it. Because I’ve been in so much pain that I can’t feel in my bones that I’m not the issue.

    Here are some examples of the things that have happened here. Please do let me know if you think they are being perceived wrong.

    my first roomates:

    a small family, a single mother of a 16 year old and his grandmother.
    This was a beautiful poolside suite in their home. We discussed expectations upon arrival and agreed on that. At this point I’m drained and exhausted from my Chicago experience and really did not want a relationship with these people just a room to rent. I made this clear. The woman asked me if I’d be ok with doing housework for less rent and I said No a firm no. Practicing boundaries. I knew that I just wanted peace and quiet. So not what I received. She said ok no problem to my answer at the time of moving in. 2 weeks in she asks me for a couple of favors. 2 I had to decline and one I did against my better judgement of not really wanting to do it. After declining to take her mother to do her nails or lunch and living my life in their home as I intended things got very awkward and aggressive. I would wake up to garbage cans in front of my car. Music playing right next to the door of my bedroom in the morning. We agreed on no curfew. The latest I came home was 11:30 and she started to lock me out with a lock I had no key to so I had no choice but to call her and then she acted like I was a big problem. I then asked if she would either not lock it or give me the key so I didn’t have to wake her because that wasn’t what we agreed on and she laughed.

    these are a few, things got really weird

     

    here is 2nd roomate, met her at church.

    Tell her about my roomate situation so she offers to come check out a room in her place. She has 2 kids she doesn’t have custody of. They are only to spend the night 2 times a month. Ok.

    I move in, 1 week later all of a sudden she is getting her kids every weekend and I have to share my bathroom. Ok. Now all of a sudden she is asking if I can pick one up from school and take one to the gym and I say no. She goes to the extent of saying it shouldn’t be a problem since I work from him and she figured I could just step out and get them! I’m sticking to the boundaries I’m trying to make and I say no. I probably explained way too much that I was working regardless if it was at home and that there was no way I can pick them up and do these arrangements. Later that evening I expressed to her that I did not like that she was asking me to take responsibility for these things when I told her from the beginning that I wanted nothing more than a room to rent especially after what I was going through in my last roommate situation. She did not like when I express that to her. I kid you not some of the same behavior started happening. She started locking me out. Her kids started misplacing things that were mine in the bathroom. They put all my things on the bottom of the sink and took up the entire thing. It just got really uncomfortable.

     

    Now my third roommate. This was a cabana suite. My favorite by far. Because it was independent but attached to a woman’s home and had a beautiful pool on the water. I thought for sure this one was going to be the one. I didn’t divulge  so much for my information like I did with the others. I just wanted to move in with my life and live my life. Well Covid happened. AnyWho things were well for sometime. Two older women lived in the home and we seem to get along really well. I cooked for them and spend time talking to them and even encourage them to get in the pool with me that they never used even though they had it right there. When we started opening up after Covid I started going back to my normal life or at least trying. So they started noticing I wasn’t home much for giving them any attention I guess. So they started making comments about that they don’t see me anymore and where have I been. Immediately I realized I let my boundaries down. I got to close with them and now they expect Me to be around and continue what we were doing during quarantine. I didn’t like constantly being asked where I was. I honestly don’t feel like it’s their business. Then it became can you help me move my plants around. I said no I am not interested in doing any yardwork I told you that from the beginning. And she said well you are always using the pool. Which is something she offered me without me asking when I decided to take the place. I thought the room was a bit expensive and she said it comes with complete pool usage. So I definitely got you side of the pool. And now here she is expecting me to do yardwork because I’m going in her pool. This time I knew immediately I had to get out I didn’t wait around for the passive aggression or the craziness. I experienced some but I’m but was working on my way out. I now live in an independent apartment with no such happenings.

     

    My observation, people think I should do for them when renting me a room, even though I’m paying full priced room cost. It makes no sense to me. The reason I take it personal because it triggers a part of me that has always been the running woman for everyone. I want to be seen for being myself not for what I can do for you!!
    mall of these people made me feel useless if I wasn’t goi to comply to what they wanted which reminded me of family.

     

    Is it bad that after 8 months without family I realize the world isn’t all fluffy and maybe they weren’t so bad. And not all of them but some of them might be worth getting in touch with?

    Have I spoke to them no. Minus my aunt who I reached out to during a time of crisis. I was having panic attacks daily and nightly with the abuse of my brother coming up so I told her. She was supported and offered to buy me a plane ticket to come stay with her a few weeks. I wish I would have but at the time I got scared. Remembered how she treated me and went no contact agin.

    but after experiencing the aggressiveness from these other women when I don’t do what they want it just makes what my aunt did feel normal. They are going based off of what they were taught. And my boundaries make them feel uncomfortable. But let me know what you think. I know that you were always honest. Do you think I see abuse everywhere Or that people are indeed being abusive in the situation?

    #358253
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    You are welcome. I appreciate you Nichole for always having been nice and gracious with me, no matter how badly you felt. And I hope you will feel better in life.

    “I’ve managed to lead a clean life regardless of my anxiety and depression. I am still working. I haven’t turned to men”- you are amazing in this regard: no matter how badly you felt, for so long, you are still gracious with me whenever you post and you keep working and you make good choices otherwise.

    “I’ve tried 4 medications.. It’s tiring to keep trying when I have had so many bad experiences”- I understand. I suggested psychiatric medications simply because you described severe anxiety for way too long, a severe anxiety that wasn’t helped in any other way.

    “I feel like the screaming girl is going to keep screaming until I give her something familiar

    Let’s look at the examples you gave regarding your experience in Florida:

    1) You arrived to Florida drained and exhausted from your Chicago experience, wanting a room to rent. You found a room to rent in a home that included a single mother, her 16 year old and a grandmother. You explained to them that you need peace and quiet, not to have a personal  relationship within the home. The single mother asked you if you are willing to do housework for a reduced rent and you clearly and firmly said No. Her response to everything before you rented the room: “ok no problems”.

    Two weeks in, she asked you for a couple of favors, one of which you declined (to take the grandmother to do her nails), the other you did unwillingly. Next, you woke up to garbage cans placed in front of your car, music playing right next to your bedroom door in the morning. You went out and returned at 11:30 pm to find the door locked with a lock for which she didn’t give you a key. You then asked her to not lock the door in the future or give you a key for the lock, “and she laughed”.

    – my thoughts: having had the experience myself of renting rooms in people’s homes, many times, your story reads very believable to me. Whether they had the music loud in the morning outside your bedroom door intentionally so to punish you or because they were very inconsiderate, I don’t know, but none of these two options is acceptable, especially because you told the woman that you need peace and quiet and she agreed to it. Asking you to take her mother to do her nails was unacceptable as well because you told her ahead of time that you are not interested in a personal relationship with anyone in the home. Overall, reads to me that this woman was wrong and you perceived her and the situation correctly.

    2) You met a woman in church, told her about the situation above (#1), she offered you a room in her place, and you told her that you “wanted nothing more than a room to rent”. She told you that she has two kids who spend two nights a month in her place because she doesn’t have custody of them. You moved in and her kids are there every weekend and you have to share your bathroom with them. Next, she asked you to pick up one of them from school and take the other to the gym because, she said, you work from home, so you can do those errands. You said No, explaining to her that even though you are working from home, you are still working, and you can’t run those errands for her. Next, she locked you out, her kids put your things in the bathroom you shared with them under the sink and put their things at the top areas.

    My thoughts: again, a very believable story. I think that she was wrong and you evaluated her and the situation correctly.

    3) Two older women lived in the home, a cabana suite, all went well during the Covid-19 quarantine: you cooked for them and spent time talking to them, socializing some. After the lockdown eased, and you were no longer in the home all the time, they started complaining that they don’t see you anymore, asking where you’ve been, and asking you for favors, like helping them to move their plants around in the yard. You said No and she said you should help because you are using the pool (even though the rent was expensive and was offered to you “with complete pool usage” before you moved in

    My thoughts: once again, a very believable story. Reads to me, again, that the women were wrong and you perceived them and the situation correctly.

    “Do you think I see abuse everywhere Or that people are indeed being abusive in the situation?”- I think that you saw abuse where it was in these three situations, that you did all the right things and what happened wasn’t your  fault.

    I wish you were lucky and did find a home with decent people who would have respected you and the agreement they made with you, so that you could have the peace and quiet that you so need and deserve.

    anita

    #358256
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    OK so you have also experienced living in peoples homes? We have a lot in common. I did the Roomate thing because I wasn’t ready to commit to an apartment or lease after having to drop my lease back in Illinois and lose my deposit. I also thought it would be cool to find some nice people to live with After what I have been through. But I have learned in these six months month that I cannot look externally for that until my internal is in a better place. My problem is that with all the stress of moving dealing with all these problems at these places and not having support along the way so stressful on my body. My anxiety increased every time. My peace level and self love plummeted.

    I am still dealing with my boss acting like tyrant most days. I have no love or good coming in. It is just me. At this point I miss my family and after seeing how the rest of the world is I honestly don’t know if they are bad or not. This doesn’t include my brother who abused me. But the things these roommates did were similar to what my aunt did. People obviously have expectations when you live with them. I don’t agree with this at all. I feel that if you have an agreement with someone where they are paying for a room and you just got your expectations then it should be that. But this is a human experience and humans are not perfect and we go based on our feelings. I’m struggling to understand if this is something that I’m learning or I’m getting into things people have done to me because I’m so I don’t agree with this at all. I feel that if you have an agreement with someone where they are paying for a room and you discuss your expectations then it should be that. But this is a human experience and humans are not perfect and we go based on our feelings. I’m struggling to understand if this is something that I’m learning or I’m giving into things people have done to me because I’m so lonely?

    what I mean is after being in the world alone, I don’t see my family as the monsters I once did. I see them acting like human people who have imperfections that did hurt me but so did tons of Christians I met at Church. I guess my point too is that why put up with people in the world being cruel and not caring what I have been through verses having my family who can love me the way they know how. It’s still engagement in my life and the know the pain of all the deaths I’ve been through. We just lost my grandfather back in April too.

    I just thought I’d feel better leaving toxic relationships but I feel worse. My anxiety makes me feel horrible about myself so it’s hard to make relationships this way and I have no interaction most days. This is not healthy with my current mental health.

    I am currently in an independent apartment so no more drama there. And I’m safe but suffering greatly with my Anxiety and depression.
    Not sure of my plan

     

    sorry if I have been all over the place with my words and forgive my grammar I’m voiced my this into my phone.

     

    #358261
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I want to make sure I understood correctly: the aunt that offered to buy you a ticket so that you can fly from Florida back to Chicago and stay with her, that’s the same aunt with whom you lived for a while? If so, will you tell me more about the exchange you had with her that led to her offer?

    anita

    #358489
    Nichole
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: center;”>Yes I had a moment back in April where my feelings regarding the muse my brother did was overwhelming and a friend of mine suggested to just call and not assume what to expect so I did. Yes I had a moment back in April where my feelings regarding the muse my brother did was overwhelming and a friend of mine suggested to just call and not assume what to expect so I did.  She was very supportive she was shocked and I was in a really bad place and she can tell so she’s fine you shouldn’t be alone I will buy you a ticket and you can come stay with me for sometime. At the time Covid was happening so I was resistant. We spoke for a few days after and I haven’t been in contact since. I think it’s just the fact that I never forget what she did to me back when I lived with her and also my anxiety just making me believe I’ve got abused again and feeling terrified. It is so confusing because I know more than anything I need some kind of love and Connection in my life. But I need to feel it and not just be so logic I need to feel cared about again. All I have enjoyed is stress upon stress with no human contact or hog or assistance or anything. It’s just been me going through hell. I’m not really sure what my next step is but I need to do something.</p>

    #358493
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    “I’m not really sure what my next step is but I need to do something”- when you feel calm and clear enough, make a  list of possibilities, brainstorm: 1, 2, 3.. with a mini plan for each possibility, plus a couple of  pros (advantages)  and cons (disadvantages)  for each,  and post those possibilities here, if you want.

    It is Saturday 8 pm your time. I wonder if you are in your apartment now. You wrote that you are living in an “independent apartment”- it think you meant that you rented an apartment and you are not sharing it with roommates (?) Is it a quiet apartment, where you have some peace?

    anita

    #358494
    Nichole
    Participant

    I will try this out. Everyday I come up with a semi new plan but executing is nearly impossible. It’s like my brain shuts everything down. I really hate complaining so much but the fear and anxiety are real these days.

    yes I’m in an apartment without roomates. It is quiet and no issues.

    #358495
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Good to read that you are in a quiet apartment and no issues- for a change, a change that you want to keep! I will be away from the computer for about 12 hours. I am looking forward to read about your list of possibilities. Please have a restful night.

    anita

    #358838
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    I have thought of some new possibilities. Including, finding a new job Asap. My boss is triggering me daily. He is a special kind of cruel. Today he made a anonymous Offer Up page and antagonized me on it. I believe sometimes you have doubted the abuse I have endured recently out of the belief that it is my perception of the world. I know I am living with an abused filter. 100%. But it does mean there is no abuse. Abuse has happened because I allow it. Tonight I am feeling so much. I am so disappointing that I did not care for myself. That I sabotaged my life because of the actions of others again. It hurts so bad right now. There were so many times I knew what I should do but my anxiety and constant care for others caused me to prioritize me right under my nose. I always felt like I was doing what was best for me but I was letting the voice in my head win. It hurts. I thought I learned that I should come first. I thought I was healing. I should of listened to you and others on what moves to make. I feel like I let myself down. I have been sabotaging for decades. I am so scared of healing and for what is to come. I fear I will keep being abused. And even more that I will keep abusing myself in my head. I do not deserve it and I still struggle to love me. I struggle to forgive. I am so hard on myself. I am repeating all that was told me all of my life. I realize my entire childhood consisted of being wrong. I was never right. I could be sick and I was told to suck it up, I could be hurt at school and I was asked what I did, someone could have disrespected me and I was told to hush, My grandma could have isolated me and I was told to not disrespect my elders, I was sent out into the world with 0 tools on how to protect myself. My parents lived such a toxic dangerous life yet never felt the need to tell me about the cruel cruel world. I was left to fend for myself so submitting was my choice so that I can control not being hurt. At least that is how I seen it. I am so sad by this. I needed help. I needed protection. I was so scared all the time. I did not know whether I would come home to no mom again, my dad beating on the walls, locked in the bathroom overdosing on drugs, my brothers bullying me, whether it would be a night for a sneak attack from my brother and his penis on my back. God it hurts to admit this. It hurts to know I had no one and still have no one to protect in my family. I truly feel like I need help and continue trying to do this on my own. I am struggling. I am a grown woman who is feeling like a 5 year trying to live on her own with no contact from the outside world. I am completely exhausted.

     

    Rant over. I sit here in tears. I sit here scared for the future. I sit here wondering who can I turn to? It was never fair for me to have to go through everything alone and why do I have to now?

     

     

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