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What will my life be now?

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  • #390891
    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita! Thank you!

    It has been a while again. I’ve thought about you. But Sitting down and writing ive been resisting for some reason. I’ve had to catch up a lot financially so I’ve been on the go go go! But I’m finally starting to slow down a bit. It’s one of my goals this year. I hope you enjoyed the Holiday season despite this new Covid stuff.

    Things are going good Anita.
    I think I’m doing better with fear and loneliness. Although I struggle still sometimes.

    I’ve been at my new job for a month now and that’s a good time for me. I have struggled feeling comfortable anywhere. I don’t make alot here and it’s not exactly what I had in mind but I am sooo grateful to feel useful and good at something again. I enjoy my work and am hoping I can commit to a good length here while continuing to catch up. It feels nice to breath again. I’m not completely caught up with my bills but I’m at a place where I can slow down a bit and I almost forgot what it was like to relax and feel confident in my ability to handle things for myself. Am so happy for that Anita.

    I know we made a new thread with intention but I still struggle with my Mothers death. I am more wise and understand she was not my responsibility but damn the lack of support she had in her last days was uncalled for. I know how that feels now. To feel like you have no support. It takes a strong individual and higher power to keep you going on a straight line. My mom had too much illness to have the strength. I miss her Anita. I miss the kind of love she offered. Only a mother can offer. She really did have my back the best she could. The saying you don’t know what you have until it’s gone could not be more true.

    I am learning so much about life lately. How much pain most people are in. How many lies we are taught. And we can change them slowly but surely.

    Anita I hope to be more consistent in my responses. Another goal of mine. I still tend to isolate vs reaching out to people who bring wisdom and joy to my life.

    but I am in a woman’s group that meets bi weekly and I haven’t missed yet. Little steps.

    #390895
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    I just got back home, and I am so excited to be reading from you!!! I read “Things are going good” and that makes me feel good. I am too tired to further reply tonight, but will get back to you Sun morning, in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #390952
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    A little history: your first post on tiny buddha was on August 21, 2018, you were living in Chicago at the time. Your mother passed away less than a month later, on September 16, 2018. Ten days later, on Sept 26 & 27, heartbroken, you wrote: “My mother is an amazing woman who unfortunately made terrible decisions in her life… Our relationship always struggled but we have always had love for one another… I love her so much“.

    Exactly 3 years ago, on January 9, 2019, I wrote to you: “Dear Nichole: You mentioned being 30. What I suggest next will take about, I am guessing, two years to produce significant results…. Pause between feeling badly and automatically reacting to the bad feeling by doing something impulsive (and often damaging). In that pause calm down and think logically. Focus on functioning effectively, communicating with others effectively, living effectively, producing win-win interactions with others… Take breaks from anxiety and distress by exercising, taking walks, hot baths, any variety of activities that can be considered… distractions that are not harmful. Make a routine of such distractions, ex., a walk per day at a certain time, if possible”.

    Fast forward to November 25, 2020, you were living in Florida. I wrote to you on that day: “Your writing is so much calmer than before, much improved, so much so that I got the opportunity to notice your talent. When you lived in Chicago, your writing was too often the product of a very distressed and overwhelmed brain. In the significant improvement of your writing, I see that you are now significantly mentally healthier than you were before”.

    Fast forward to today, you wrote: “Things are going good Anita. I think I’m doing better with fear and loneliness…. I’ve been at my new job for a month now and that’s a good time for me… I’m at a place where I can slow down a bit and I almost forgot what it was like to relax and feel confident in my ability to handle things for myself. Am so happy for that Anita… I am learning so much about life lately… I am in a woman’s group that meets bi-weekly, and I haven’t missed yet. Little steps” – excellent, continued progress, good job, Nichole!

    I still struggle with my Mother’s death… I miss her Anita. I miss the kind of love she offered” – You always loved her, even when you were angry at her. Underneath, you loved her intensely, faithfully all along. No way she could have missed the love in your heart, no way!

    When you think about your mother lovingly, please recognize that you always loved her, and that your everlasting love for her makes you a good person, a good, loving person who deserves to let go of guilt and rest in your loving nature. You deserve calm and peace of mind. May this new year offer you more and more peace of mind!

    anita

    #391550
    Anonymous
    Guest

    How are you, Nichole?

    anita

    #394373
    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita,

    I am doing well. I am not feeling well though. Very confusing but I also remember you referring to this at some point in our previous conversations.

    How are you?

    I have been working at the same place for 4months now. Never thought I’d be here again. I survived a lot to be comfortable here. I’m catching up on all of my bills and moving forward to a more relaxed situation. I’ve tried a lot of new things. Some that were fun and others not comfortable but slowly starting adventure again. Things were so stressful for a while. Everything is so expensive and doing it alone is very new to me. But I am doing it and hoping by the end of March I’ll begin a savings again and begin considering my big goal of owning property at some point in my life.

    Other than that I’ve struggle connecting again. Connection comes so hard for me. I also don’t try as hard as I could. I assume once my finances aren’t such a stressor and things become well in my budget it will free up some space for more fun interesting things. That is my hope.

     

    I have been single this whole time Anita. I miss having a man in my life. I think about my ex almost daily. I think about how much he hurt and then I stop. But sometimes I feel like neither of us were well in the relationship. Sometimes I wish we could give it another shot. But so many wise people tell me to move on. Sometimes I feel like it’s just familiarity and others the resources he has and the long life dream I have of a husband and children and beautiful home. But am I wrong for that?

    I am sorry for another delay in response and then a totally all over the place response lol. Just my thoughts

    I look forward to hearing from you

    Nichole 🙂

    #394374
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    Good to read from you!!! I just returned from a long walk outside and my hands are frozen. It is difficult to type. And soon will go shopping etc. I will definitely reply further in a few hours or no later than Sun morning. Did you have any contact at all with the ex in Florida?

    anita

    #394409
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    You wrote yesterday: “I am doing well. I am not feeling well though” – an astute distinction: doing well vs feeling well.

    Very confusing“, you wrote yesterday. I wish I could organize things for you, place everything in drawers with labels on them. Organize your feelings, at the least, so that you will be doing well and feeling well.

    Post again anytime you feel like it, it’s never too early or too late to post!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by .
    #395221
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    In the last post, I mentioned organizing your feelings. Here is just a bit of what I wrote to you about feelings (and more) 3 years ago:

    January 2019: “Pause between feeling badly and automatically reacting to the bad feeling by doing something impulsive (and often damaging). In that pause calm down and think logically. Focus on functioning effectively”.

    “Take breaks from anxiety and distress by exercising, taking walks, hot baths, any variety of activities that can be considered to be healthy distractions… Practice Mindfulness”.

    February 2019: “Anxiety is the human condition, everyone is anxious. I didn’t meet yet in person or online a person who is not anxious. Key is to not get alarmed when you experience a spike in anxiety… You are lonely and anxious, some days more than others, you experience fluctuations of moods because you are human and the brain fluctuates, everyone’s brain fluctuate”.

    “Function as if you are okay and sooner than later you will feel okay again. Endure the spikes in anxiety, calm yourself best you can when that happens, don’t panic, don’t catastrophize, function sensibly and life will be better”.

    “Healing is not about repeating the same old same old attempts. It is about giving up on what doesn’t work and attempting something new that has a chance to work“.

    March 2019, you wrote “I have actually been more realistic and am looking at things for what they are instead of what I wish they were”, and I responded with: “this is what mental health is about, seeing reality as it is. Ignoring reality doesn’t work because reality doesn’t ignore itself, it keeps being what it is”.

    I hope you are well today, March 15, 2022!

    anita

     

    #395324
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hello Nichole,

    I hope you are starting to feel better. I can empathise with a lot if what you have written.

    I’m gradually finding my way back to self-caring.  Even though I work caring for others and that comes easily to me, I struggle to care for myself.

    These last few weeks since I started opening up with my life, I h a ‘ve been making improvements.

    My sleeping is much better as us my eating though I try to keep the cooking as simple as possible.

    I’m having more energy now. I also am seeing a mess around me in my house of things I have neglected to do, and have made a start on that.  I have been working full-time, and that seems like all I was doing – and just surviving!

    Its getting better now.

    #397978
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Am getting back later than I’d like to have again. A lot has changed since we last spoke. Although I’ve been consistent with work and have caught up financially, it has become so stressful. I’m working in a call center. The pain I feel and sense here is extreme. People intentionally triggering people all day long like a zoo! I’m sorry if I seem more angry than usual. But I have had it. I’m overwhelmed. I am burned out. I don’t have much enjoyment in my life. It is just work work and healing. I feel so alone again.
    Last night I made a decision to email my ex.
    I simply asked if he would like to have dinner and that I needed a hug so tight.
    He replied that he would love to do so and would be completely ok with holding me as long I needed but that he had to be upfront that he was in a relationship. He did not want to be a liar again.

    Now I 100 percent know this is a red flag but we emailed back and fort a bit more and just thinking about him holding me makes my body calm and my heart warm. I’m so tired of being alone. And every time I try to do something in connection it back fires. I have so much built inside because it’s always just me.

    Please help me organize these feelings somewhat.

    I have all this time never stopped to speaking to someone who hurt me so badly. Could there be any good come from this? I don’t trust my recent decision making.

    #397980
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    Congratulations for catching up financially!

    I’m overwhelmed. I am burned out…I feel so alone again. Last night I made a decision to email my ex. I simply asked if he would like to have dinner and that I needed a hug so tight” – nothing like a tight hug to calm down the overwhelm factor and to take away the so-alone feeling, if only for a moment.

    He replied that he would love to do so and would be completely ok with holding me as long I needed but that he had to be upfront that he was in a relationship” – this means that his hug cannot take away the so-alone feeling for more than a moment or two.

    We emailed back and forth a bit more and just thinking about him holding me makes my body calm and my heart warm” – the imagined hug was good enough, or perhaps it was the anticipation of a hug that calmed you (?)

    I’m so tired of being alone. And every time I try to do something in connection it backfires” – you want honest, loving human connection, but you had experienced so much hurt and anger in the context of family connections, that what you want also scares you. And when you get some of it (a beginning connection or a resumed connection), you get to re-experience the old hurt and anger.

    Could there be any good come from this? I don’t trust my recent decision making” – I think that it is not a good idea to meet him in-person because it will trigger the old hurt and anger that you experienced with him (and before him, in the context of family connections). At work, “People intentionally triggering people all day long like a zoo!“, you wrote, you don’t want to be triggered after work by getting together with your ex, do you?

    If he was single, then maybe it could work to your benefit to meet him, but him being in a relationship, I don’t think that you can possibly be okay with it. I think that the comfort of a tight hug can last only so long before the hurt and anger get triggered.

    You shared earlier that ever since your ex, if I remember correctly, you’ve been single… so no dates, no hugs, no nothing with any guy for how long?

    anita

    #397982
    Nichole
    Participant

    Thank you Anita

     

    I do not know what it was that calmed me. But I imagined it all last night and I imagine anyone holding me most nights. I am on my period and it tends to get worse during this time. I am a woman and have not been with a man since my ex. I miss him. I miss having a man in my life. In my bed at night. Helping me with providing. My cat is so needy, I need someone to help me with him at times. I miss someone to go to dinner with. I miss someone to go to the beach with. And so yes I have extended myself to groups and even tried to date but its so hard to make new connections when I still have so much trauma built up and I feel like I keep adding more by trying to do everything alone. I am sorry I feel that I am having a little melt down today. Am I being unreasonable?

    #397985
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    You are welcome. Of course, you are not unreasonable having natural human needs and wants! As I read your recent post, written so beautifully, I felt sad that you are so alone and lonely. No need to apologize for having what you call a little melt down day; doesn’t read like a meltdown to me, just natural, human feelings.

    I tried to date but it’s so hard to make new connections when I still have so much trauma built up” – when you tried to date, what was so hard, specifically?

    anita

    #398144
    Nichole
    Participant

    Thanks Anita,

    I decided to let myself have the meltdown. I am human and it is sad. I’ve truly isolated myself. I need a hug.

    Well to begin I don’t know a safe way to date. I’ve never dated before. Like in a healthy way so it scares me. I guess it would just be easier to run back to the ex so that’s probably why I have him on my mind. But I’ve always imagined giving us another shot. I don’t feel so great about myself. So who will I find like that? More manipulative men I assume. But trying to get in more healing to feel better and do everything alone isnt working either. I want to cuddle and possibly be physical with someone. But I feel so guilty for that. I’m really confused in this area.

    #398146
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    You are welcome. You point to two problems: (1) “I don’t feel so great about myself“, and (2) “I’ve never dated before“.

    I can offer you online help regarding dating, right here on your thread. In regard to not feeling great about yourself, tell me more about it, will you?

    anita

     

Viewing 15 posts - 136 through 150 (of 167 total)

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