February 15, 2021 at 6:47 pm #374721
I may add more tomorrow, but for now: you made your decision regarding work, and I like your attitude of “trying to look at work only as a mean to make my livelihood versus a place for emotions”.
Regarding your ongoing emotional experience of “intense fear and anxiety followed by numb/ disassociation. And once in (a while) a great relief”, an experience that makes you “feel crazy”- I know this emotional experience personally and I felt crazy too. There is a way to even up the extremes of intense anxiety and feeling nothing (numbness/ dissociation). and occasional euphoria. Therapist call the way to bridge these two extremes “emotional regulation”. There is a lot of literature on it and it is taught within psychotherapy.
anitaFebruary 16, 2021 at 10:14 am #374744
“I want things to be easier. The little girl throwing a tantrum.. But little Nichole has to grow up”- little Nichole needs to be gently disciplined, so that she expresses her frustration in ways that don’t make her life even more difficult than it already is. Express your frustrations in quieter ways, less dramatic/ earth shattering.
“intense fear and anxiety followed by numb/ dissociation. And once in a (while) great relief. Sometimes it makes me feel crazy”- time to get off that Up and Down Rollercoaster Ride and take.. an easier route, a more stable route, one with less ups and downs, one with less extreme ups and downs. A more stable route would be the mindfulness route. If you would like, check www. oxford mindfulness. org/ mark williams for information and resources on the topic.
anitaFebruary 28, 2021 at 7:13 am #375365
Wondering about you, about how you are feeling/ doing.
anitaApril 1, 2021 at 6:44 pm #376977
I hope you are okay, Nichole! How are you?
anitaJune 8, 2021 at 10:04 pm #381212
I am sorry for my late reply. A lot has happened in my life. I moved locations, my grandmother died, I reunited with my father for her funeral, I started a medication and have been consistent. It has helped in ways but also has had a negative impact as far as motivation. I never feel like doing anything. Even writing this email was a challenge but I am trying to get back on the horse. I am drained and a little lost.
How are you Anita?June 9, 2021 at 9:23 am #381227
I thought about you a few days ago, considering the possibility that I may never read from you again.. and here you are, good to have you back here!
I am feeling better this morning than I felt for some time, thank you for asking. I hope you do get back on the horse, as you mentioned- a stronger and more disciplined horse than before, so that you can feel safer riding it. Being consistent with your new medication reads like a step in the right direction. I wonder (1) if you moved locations within Florida or .. back to Chicago, (2) what you mean by reuniting with your father, and (3) if you are in contact with other family members (feel free to not answer any or all of my wonderings).
anitaJune 23, 2021 at 10:59 am #381895
Thinking about you, Nichole.
anitaJune 26, 2021 at 9:17 am #381991AnonymousInactive
Hello my friend..
My name is Wind from Vietnam.
I share some ideas with you.
I don’t say you must believe or not believe my share. Depends you. You free.
I only invite your curious patient contemplation.
Without the body, the Soul does not have an occasion to practice grow up and pay everything.
Each life, yours, mine, family etc..
All follow the Law of cause and effect.
Each comes to the life to receive this and that.. 5 years. 40 years. 50.. 70. Etc..
But because of emotions attached to the appearance of the life.. Many did not see the basic law.. that if something begins..
Means it must end.
Everything takes place on the time.
Example.. Your Mother can not escape her cause and effect. Suffering comes from an attachment to the appearance. But.. If you can focus your attention on your Mother’s nature… Then you can peace inside with her passing. As I share.. Only the appearance has finished but Soul of your Mother continues on the Law of the Soul.
The body is always a temporary house for each Soul. The purpose of the life is to practice grow up the Soul to escape the spinning of repeating.
You are correct. Emotions always spin. All emotions move to follow the Law of the time. From one to the next. Happy. Sad. Angry. Love. Depression. Excited..
What can stop the spinning?
Practice to come back to awareness.
Awareness is seeing in quiet.
Practice to observe your thoughts as left unchecked they become like the match that lights the emotion and from the emotion you only see that emotion and follow.
I don’t say it’s easy or difficult to practice. But you must courage. To put down your attachments to the past.
As what you keep.. Keeps you.
Only awareness can burn the dark clouds of emotion that block the light of your pure bright nature. Just because the Sun is not seen, did not mean it was lost.
Maybe it is a good time in your life to practice some meditation. If you choose to discover it.
You are also lucky but you don’t realize it.
The life has given you many examples. From the loss of people around you and the feelings of overcoming everything in alone.
Now you must see… That..
Only YOU can save YOU.
Everything that takes place outside you..
Is not you. But because of your attachment to everything outside.. You invite suffering to come.
If you can courage to see your life from another corner.. You will see that the life has shown you clearly that everything is a temporary condition. Your duty is to wake up in the temporary and grow up your life and Soul.
Face to face with everything as what comes or does not come is always equal with your own cause and effect. When you can begin seeing this Law and understanding deeper.. You will discover great confidence and courage in your life. Balance.
As the life always moves and changes.
The life is always ready with those who have the courage to live.
Existing requires no courage at all.
But to live.. Ready with everything unconditionally requires great courage and in each step of experience one discovers their own Faith.
Compassion begins with yourself.
When we keep the past means we are losing ourselves to an imaginary past.
When we worry about the future means we are losing ourselves to an imaginary future.
Come back to the simplest.
Gratitude. Grateful. For everything that is or is not. Your life is the appearance of your effect. Behaviour today is your effect tomorrow.
No matter how high the mountain it can only be reached one step at a time.
Awake in each step. Confidence in each step. Courage in each step.
Don’t keep my friend.
Like water that is stagnant becomes polluted over time. So too does the Soul when keeping emotions within.
Your duty is to discover your life.
Inside you is a great treasure.
The treasure is awareness.
Discover your treasure depends upon your courage and self determination to grow up your Soul. Your life.
As you begin to put down your emotional attachments to holding and keeping the appearance of your difficulties.. you slowly begin removing the obstructions that block your treasure.
Theres no where to go my friend.
The journey is in the coming back to your original bright pure nature.
My friend.. Again I share..
Without the body.. Your Soul has no occasion to practice grow up and pay.
Each situation is an occasion for you to practice to overcome yourself. Win you.
Discover meditation.. It is the gym for your Soul. It is the practice to come back to stillness. In the stillness we can wash the mind of all false seeing and thinking.
Where there is a beginning. Mean that on the time an ending must appear. All objects can not escape the Law of the time.
I wish you good luck on your path.
From my experience.. From passing through many dark forests and visiting many hells.. That on the time everything changes.
The biggest tree in the forest began as a seed.
Each of us must become the brave warrior inside.
Start to observe the life.
Compassion and forgiveness with yourself in each step. Ready in each step.
By the View you use, so it exists exactly.
Keep going. Curious is a special door that can lead one back to the treasure within.
And.. Like each flower..
On the time.. With enough details and conditions.. Everything Opens
Likewise within your Soul.
Relax my friend.
Everything is OK.
Everything will take place.
Wind.August 14, 2021 at 8:40 pm #384762
I am sorry I have fallen into some major procrastination again. It seems to be my biggest struggle lately but mainly when it comes to connecting. I have been successful at keeping up other things. I am back on the horse and I fall off again often but never hurts as much as the time before and I get back up. I think my medication is helping a lot. Finally consistent and it has been well over 6 months. Also consistent weekly therapy with a therapist that I am trusting. She is good. Looking back at our notes I notice it has been so long since we spoke. I had been in contact with my Aunt and went to see her in May when life got really difficult. It was not as successful as a reunion as I would of liked. But a lesson well learned. I put myself in that blender you warned me about again. As far as reuniting with my father that wasn’t so bad but also a little scary and still has me uneasy. When his mother died (my Grandma) I felt it necessary to go see him. My sweet Grandma, one of the people in my family who loved me the most unconditionally as she could. Such a loss. This medication makes me a bit numb so I am not sure how deeply sad I could have felt but I was very heartbroken. Things have been a littler smoother in my life for about 2 months now. It is nice. I have been more in touch with gratefulness and joy versus only that constant fear. I am so grateful. I think my procrastination on connecting more is my fear of moving on. But I dont rush myself anymore. I simply told myself I had been thinking of you since I seen your reply and that today is the day I wouldn’t procrastinate. No more bashing myself. I really am learning not to be mean to me anymore. And take life as it comes. A lot I need to still achieve. I recently lost my part time job that I had been doing Full time and that was stressful but I have been searching for a more traditional position again with better pay. Oh and I got a kitty! I love him. It has been a week and he is really evoking that love button in me. Lots of work though.
How are you Anita? I hope well despite our world still going a bit crazy.August 15, 2021 at 9:23 am #384793
Good to read back from you 2 months and a week since you last posted.
“I think my medication is helping a lot. Finally consistent and it has been well over 6 months. Also consistent weekly therapy with a therapist that I am trusting“- congratulations on taking your healing process seriously and getting help!
“I had been in contact with my Aunt and went to see her in May when life got really difficult. It was not as successful as a reunion as I would of liked. But a lesson well learned. I put myself in that blender you warned me about again“- yes, the blender, I remember.
I am sorry that you lost your grandma, on your father’s side.
“Things have been a littler smoother in my life for about 2 months now. It is nice. I have been more in touch with gratefulness and joy versus only that constant fear… I don’t rush myself anymore. I simply told myself I had been thinking of you since I seen your reply and that today is the day I wouldn’t procrastinate“- good to read that life is a little smoother for you and that you don’t rush anymore. Glad that you posted today, but I don’t want you to feel any pressure to reply quicker to this post. No pressure/ no rushing!
“No more bashing myself. I really am learning not to be mean to me anymore“- yes, I am all for that! Thank you for learning to not be mean to you!
“I recently lost my part time job that I had been doing Full time and that was stressful but I have been searching for a more traditional position again with better pay“- you were always a hard worker!
“Oh and I got a kitty! I love him. It has been a week and he is really evoking that love button in me. Lots of work though“- how cute, a kitty!
“How are you Anita? I hope well despite our world still going a bit crazy“- yes, our world is still going crazy, but I am maintaining my hard-earned sanity best I can, thank you for asking. I will soon go on my daily walk, there is less smoke in the air, from the wildfires.
anitaOctober 21, 2021 at 7:41 pm #387625
More than two months since I heard from you last, I still wonder how you are.. what is happening in your life, how you feel, what is happening in your mind and heart.
anitaNovember 11, 2021 at 4:16 pm #388461
And I am still wondering: what is your life like now???
Your life is important, Nichole.
anitaNovember 11, 2021 at 8:01 pm #388470
Hi Anita, I just saw this and I did see your last post as well. I’m sorry just running behind on things but I am ok. Maybe a little better than ok these days. I will write back in more depth very soon!
I hope you are well AnitaNovember 11, 2021 at 8:50 pm #388472
Good to read from you, good to read that things are better than okay for you these days. I am looking forward to read more from you. And I am well. Nichole, thank you.