Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for your prompt responses. I meant to chat with you directly.

I actually just spoke to him and asked if he has been in contact with her/if he will meet up with her and he said no as she is in another part of the state.

– I will definitely bring up being 1st vs 2nd choice and being introduced to the husband too when we see each other next(he did want me to say hello to her once when he was on the phone with her in the beginning of our relationship).

– I don’t mind losing him over this if I am indeed his 2nd choice as I am aware of what I deserve. I just don’t want to cause anymore issues over this if this doesn’t warrant the attention I am giving it (as I tend to overthink things). A great part of me feels I am overthinking this as our relationship has been great otherwise and he’s been loyal, supportive and continues to choose me despite many rifts I have caused as I am working through my attachment issues.

Thank you very much for the advice and I will tell him when I see him next!

Hi Anita,

Thank you for the suggestion. I am not sure how I feel about that, I feel it’s such a dramatic step– to coordinate their times with a newborn baby and to meet via online when I am sure they would careless about meeting me. It feels imposing?  Perhaps quite frankly I am not interested in meeting her and just want to move past this?  Perhaps I can suggest I would like to meet this great friend of yours sometime later?

I do have another question though, my bf is home now for Thanksgiving, in his home state, where she also lives. I am afraid/ almost certainly sure that they are in contact? as he was supposed to go to her baby shower a few months ago and couldn’t make it and now would’ve been a great time to meet up as he is back home.

During our last discussion about this issue, he said that he’s now afraid that I will never get over the issue and I am afraid that he won’t tell me anything relating to her again?

– Should I ask him if he’s meeting up with her during this visit? If so, how?

– Or let it be and see if he brings it up to me?

Thank you!

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your help. We spoke about it and he said it was a fleeting thought and it only occurred because they had recently spoken. I think I am able to move past it but there are moments where fear grips me given their friendship history.

He reassured me again that nothing ever happened between them. That it was a fleeting thought. I asked if he finds her attractive, to which he said yes, and that just because he’s in a relationship doesn’t mean he can’t find other people attractive. This I agree with, but somehow this is different because in this case, she is a long time friend and I feel threatened as she will always be in his life.

I am not sure if there were other late night calls since that time. They had been really good friends since college and he’s always been there to lend an ear when she was having issues with her husband, then bf. When I first expressed my concerns about her about 5 months back: when I found out that she calls him here and there to chat (he says they talk maybe once a month and she’s usu the one to call), I asked him what could a pregnant woman and a single 30s male possibly be talking about, the fact that she is so comfortable expressing her thoughts with him, that he’s basically being emotionally available to her…he reassured me and I took it as them being friends.

Now, in light of this, I still want to believe that as he hasn’t given me any signs that I cannot trust him in our relationship. However, there are moments that I grapple with fear and jealousy–not being certain that both parties are not emotionally cheating with each other’s past such as fb and instagram likes.. I know I am being irrational and I am doing fine majority of the time, but there have been a couple occasions that I am reminded again of this and have that sick feeling to my stomach. I know I have to decide to let this go or deal with it another way.

I would appreciate any advice.

Thank you