About the abuse, in the past, I used to abuse my brother. I often hit his head since I was a lot stronger than him. And I often abuse my sister too, even though she’s older than me. I remembered the time when I hit both of them with belt. I also once threatened my brother with knife. I think I always have some kind of anger issues. I know I need professional help, but it will be very expensive and the neighbours will gossip around us because you know neighbours thing around the world is pretty much same. I am afraid that will make my father become worse and I am afraid about my family. I feel so conflicted, I don’t know what to do. I wish I could have a friend. And I really thank about your presence, Anita. I am really sorry for making you troubled.

Now I am not living with my parents anymore since my university is far from home, different city, in fact. Therefore I rent a room near my university. But now is the end of 4th term where I have to go back to my home because I don’t have any place to live at. Since I live on my own, I don’t listen about screamings anymore. But my sister pften tells me that my father often abuses my brother psychologically using words by screaming. He threw a fit to my brother, to the point where my brother became sick. So far, my brother already joined test to get state universities. I pray that my brother will get state universities. I am really worried if something worse happened. You know what I mean.

In my family, my brother is not the smartest. I always feel that me abusing him that makes him the way he is. What if because of me hitting him in the past making him stupid? My sister and I, thankfully, went to state university — therefore cheaper cost, well at least for my sister. Because of my room rental, I spent a lot of money more than for my university fees for eating, etc. My father was no longer on his prime, and my brother had a quite history. He was the only child that went to private high school. In Indonesia, private high school has a less possibility to get you to the state university. Indonesian people still consider state universities are better than private ones that cost more money. A lot of job applications are also stressed on state universities more than private ones. So, there you have it. I felt terrible for my brother. I think it also justified why I think of suicide as the only way.

I have no friends, therefore no significance to their lives. My family will be affected of course, but eventually they will move on and forget me. With my death, my brother, in the worst case, could go to private college since I died and therefore don’t go to university anymore. I think with my death, everyone will be happy.