Hello Anita,

I’m sorry for the late reply, I had been meaning to get back to you but got caught up with work and school. Thank you for your suggestion, and encouragement to continue with my studies. I have been on an SSNRI for about three days now and it has really made a difference. Although it takes about a month to experience the full effects I really do hope it helps. Thank you again for your reply, I hope you are doing well (:

Hello Anita,

1. I am comfortable in the sense that my dad pays for the rent, and sometimes food. If I were to move, I would be very afraid to do it alone.

2. Correct

3. Correct

4. Correct, but depending on the plan of study I wouldn’t mind working full-time and going to school if it meant improving my situation. I would just take 1 or 2 classes at a time.

5. Correct

6. Correct

7. Correct

Hello Anita,

I really enjoyed reading what your short story would be if you could edit out all the damaging experiences. That would be something I would enjoy watching.

To answer your questions from the first post: the nursing program was stressful for me because I not only lacked confidence in myself, but the program was Monday – Friday so I was only available to work on the weekends which wasn’t bringing in enough money to pay for the bills that I had at the time. I wasn’t getting much financial or emotional support from either of my parents so this added onto the stress and overwhelming feeling. So, when I failed my first assignment I just lost it. I cried for hours, tried to talk to my parents, but they weren’t really saying anything encouraging. It was a mix of current circumstances not being too great, fear of failing, lack of confidence in myself, and not getting support from family, and also not wanting to touch people haha

I ended up finishing college with an AA degree. I’ve always wanted to continue my education, at least getting a bachelors degree but I have no idea in what.

So, I currently work in retail (grocery store) and I’ve been there for 10 years. I hated customer service so decided to go into the bakery department, which is slightly better because I get to be by myself some times, but not most. My current role is bakery clerk, so my main responsibility is taking care of customers. I want to (and have expressed this to my managers) become a decorator seeing as though I am a creative person and they don’t handle customers as much. I should also mention that my dad, and sister are managers at this company so it has become some sort of family thing which adds on another reason I stay.

What I hate about the job is that I find it boring. I want to learn, but I keep getting told to “be patient”. I also don’t like that the environment can be pretty toxic, not only with customers but with co-workers, and managers as well. This is another reason I would prefer to be alone when working. I also don’t like how busy it can get. I find myself not able to relax, and my mind is in panic mode until the store slows down.

What I like about the job is I know what is expected of me, so I don’t have to worry about whether I’m doing something right or wrong. I like that the job is predictable, pretty much tasks everyday. I also like that I don’t have that much responsibility. I don’t have someone else’s life in my hands. I also like that if I were to become a manager, that I wouldn’t have to worry about money since they make a comfortable amount.

As far as my interest growing up, I remember loving to sing, act, dance, playing outside, and making skits that we (friends, and sister) would perform. As I got older, I remember having a huge interest in psychology, and still liking to make videos, but that stopped because my mom wanted me out of the class so I could take drivers ed. Ever since then the only time I brought it up was as a possible major in college and my mom said “no”. I haven’t touched video recording / editing since (4 years ago). I’ve never really had just one thing I enjoyed or was good at growing up.

As of right now, I would love to work alone. After doing a teacher substituting job for almost a year, I realized that I really want to work alone. Unfortunately, I have not managed to find many jobs that involve working alone. I was lucky enough to have gotten a job offer as a data entry clerk, and I was so happy, but I ended up not getting the job. I’m not trying to sound pessimistic but so far when I try to leave my current job it just never works out, like I get the interview but don’t get hired for whatever reason.

So currently my plan is to stick it out with this retail job, become a decorator, and then go from there. My goal is to at least get full-time and then maybe go back to school. I’m hoping that by then I’ll have a better idea of what I would like to do.

I totally agree with those reasons that you stated, my childhood being a war zone, as to why I have problems with assertiveness and not wanting to be around people. I like your suggestion on finding a less stressful job, without much contact with people in order to heal. I mean if anything at all, there are stores in my area that are slower and quieter that I could transfer to if need be.

Hello Anita,

I’ve been sharing some of my realizations with him so that might of done it. He expressed noticing that he gets upset at the smallest things. He’s never shared that with me.

And honestly, I think it’s just me having hope that eventually i will discover what I want to do professionally. It’s just frustrating thinking that while I don’t know what to do my options seem very limited. Like choosing to move up in the company I currently work for just for the financial security. It drains my energy.

Hello Anita,

Yeah, neither of my parents acknowledged my feelings. This would explain why half the time I have no idea what I’m really feeling. To discover all this is frustrating, and I can’t help but blame my parents for being so selfish, because now the burden is on me. I either have to choose to heal myself at this point, which frankly I really don’t know how. Or I keep the cycle of abuse, and hurt going, which at this point is just not an option. I’ve come too far to just give up on myself.

When you said “But without such attention, we, are lost, unsure about ourselves…” is exactly how I feel. I feel like I have no idea who I am, what my interests are, how I feel, etc. I totally blame them for all this work I have to do now, and probably as I grow older. How can one not have resentment towards their parents when they have awareness for what their parents did / didn’t do?

Sorry for the angry tone, I hate feeling like I know nothing about myself, being so disconnected from myself, and it’s because of how I was raised which I can’t go back and change. I’ve always hoped that there was a reason behind having such crappy parents, but I’m not sure.

Hello Anita,

I’ve never taken the time to ask myself those questions, so I took some time to really think and feel it out. This is what I’m usually thinking when I’m with her and she’s talking about her problems: “Why does she focus so much on other people?”, “Why is she like this? What in her past happened to make her like this?”, “Just accept her. Just let her be who she is.”, I usually find myself analyzing / judging / trying to understand her actions and words.

Being seen as “just a person” to my mom makes me feel hurt, empty, as if I’m not her daughter, a little confused, unaccepted, sad. I never feel like I can truly be myself around her. I’m always defensive around her, and feel like I can’t just allow myself to be.

Yes, it is a lot of negativity that I feel. I just tone everything down because I feel like I am making things seem worse than what they are/ were. I still can’t seem to know if I really was emotionally abused or not. I feel like I was, but am still very unsure.

Hello Lampost,

Thank you for taking the time to write all that (: Yes, I like to analyze things a lot, but sometimes I analyze too much and I get stuck in my head. You’re totally spot on about the critical mindset, I experience that literally everyday. However, since I’ve started meditating I do find myself thinking a little less, but it’s still a work in progress. Just yesterday at work, I talked to a co-worker who I trust about my childhood. I have never shared that with anyone else besides my significant other, so it was really nice to finally open up and share a little of my story. I really am excited to be on the path of healing, so thank you again for the post!

Hi Anita,

Sorry. Continuing contact with my mom.

Not good. We don’t fight anymore, but I don’t talk or visit her too much. When I do visit her, she just talks about work drama, and daily problems. I’m just a person to talk about her problems with, so I remain silent most of the time. So I leave feeling exhausted, and a bit negative. I hate talking about my parents like this like I’m ungrateful or something, but this is how I feel about them.