Yesterday, I had some interesting theories \ thoughts. Almost like a detachment, but it started as kinda “naming” my monster. It’s a troll. And trolls live under bridges. Which lead me to envision marriage as an object. Not me personally. Not my husband personally.

Think of marriage like an object. Bound by legal terms. Not easily dissolved. It is something that is shared between the two of you, but is not you, or him. You each bring your own personal selves to the marriage, like meeting on a bridge that connects you together.

There are actions we each take to nurture the object (marriage). Like a bridge.. it needs maintenance, tending. Sometimes it just needs to be observed, enjoyed. It can be left unattended for periods of time, but long term neglect will result in decay, destruction, and it will fall apart.

Sometimes we cross the bridge, to the other side. And forget that our own side of the bridge is not being looked after. That is why it seems so one-sided, and one feels like they are doing all of the work, in the marriage.

They are trying to fix the other person’s side of the bridge, and make it look just like their side does. And using all their energy. Meanwhile, their own side of the bridge is laying neglected.

Both sides bring valuable structure to the bridge. Together, it makes up a whole. But if my side is laying neglected, what am I bringing to the whole?

In fact, if I don’t take care of my side, the bridge will fall apart, after awhile. Which side of the bridge am I on?

Then I got to thinking yup, I crossed the bridge to his side. And the troll got out. Ego. Sometimes my mind puts these things into subjective perspectives 🙂

Now, when I stand back on my side, and look at his side of the bridge, well I don’t know WHY I wanted to change it! It has it’s own charm, and beauty. If I leave it alone, he will design it to reflect him. Which is what I want. The real authentic him that is inside. The more I interfere, the less it will be him.

I’ve been writing a LOT these past few days. “) And sleeping very wonderfully.

PIa Mellody’s book, the Intimacy Factor, has been an extraordinary read. Thank you for the recommendation, the guideline and specific methods are what fits with my logical aspect to things.:) The practice of only taking in as truth and discarding the rest seemed to be one of the solutions I was looking for. Rather than wanting the other person to speak the truth (which is really my truth), I decide to let the untrue things go. A very simple way to stay focused on what is important, and give the other person their freedom to have their own truths in life.

I understand the concept of compromise a little better now. I am \ have been rigid with my beliefs. I have been smashing the square peg into the round hole. It’s okay to accept that my chosen partner has differing views on marriage, substance abuse, and awareness. I also now believe I have been forcing a relationship with a person who likely isn’t capable of the kind of relationship I am striving for (at least not today) . I mean myself. I seem to make strides, gain some understanding, but still fall into old patterns and habits within the marriage. That’s okay too. It just is what it is. Not as a judgement, but as a reality, truth, from my point of view. I can be the example, or part of the problem. I can choose. It’s not just for this relationship, it is the way of being that I want to follow.

I am more content…. able to just work on me further. I have read that one needs a “safe” person, one that will keep you on your goal, let you know when you are slipping, and guide you back. That is something I have been missing. I have also read that is impossible to maintain a relationship with a partner who is not aware, or an active substance abuser. The consequences of that are becoming more clear to me. I am choosing to put myself in a position that is causing me to struggle. It’s okay to give myself permission to take an easier road, if the end goal is further awareness. 🙂

Thanks, Matt.
I am not yet able to say I am overcoming the co-dependency part. And boundaries are a newer evolution, for me.

He does say I make things about me, and I can see that if you are sensing that, I need to work on that more.

We have been currently discussing separation and divorce, financially he wants to try and work things out. As the “judge” in this side of things, I have great reluctance to make a decision. Rather, I want time to sort my own self out.

What you have shared with me is probably the most honest assesement of where I am struggling, as a co-dependent person.

Yes, I can change my circumstances. To be honest, part of me feels like I am supposed to “learn” from this. I have a disquieting sense of focus at times. It isn’t even really deciding whether to leave or stay. It is a sense that this is supposed to teach me. A sense that leaving is quitting, and not moving forward with becoming a more balanced person.

A further view of this would be to accept all of what he is doing. Yes, I can agree that I can work on that. My beliefs in life are still whispering in my head. What a marriage should be. What a husband should be. And it’s all my opinion. Nothing more.

I am more confident that my happiness does not depend on another person. I am able to feel peace, grattitude. I no longer “need” external gratification.The marriage aspect feels like a thing \ object that needs these things. Again, this would be my judgement \ opinion.

Thank you for helping me to see this 🙂

Lately, I have an intuition that as part of being the person I want to be, that includes being myself. Being able to freely give affection, love. Being intimate with someone at a level where trust is natural, I can express myself and be accepted the way I am. Is this what I should be focusing on??

YOur replies are much appreciated, sorry for such a late response “)

Engaging in his dramas… this is a hard thing for me. For a long time, we used to disagree about the same few things on a regular basis. He used to say… “don’t ask me to change”. And I am learning how to let others live their own lives.

In the past two months, I have steadily acted as such. I no longer ask him to change. I accept him the way he is.
The consequences to that.. are quite serious. I feel most comfortable with sticking to the “truth” of all situations. Simply accepting the way things are, and then looking to myself for the answer on how I should respond to that. As that’s all I can do, or control.

In short, without a lot of details, that has accumulated this week into accepting that we see things differently, and I keep playing over a quote in my head…
“They are on their own journey in life, and I send them blessings”.

I am struggling with the concept of…. boundaries. I had poor boundaries, and I am learning how to use them. This is a huge change for me.
But I cannot always align that with simply accepting people the way they are.

Unfortunately, this can turn even a simple conversation sideways. I may voice “I’m not okay with that” and he is tempted into sucking me into a 15 minute conversation of why he’s right and I’m wrong. Then I clue in…. and again “I’m not okay with that” as it’s my feelings, and cannot be judged right or wrong.

I’m not voicing a boundary to force change, or threat. I am stating a truth, and I let go of the outcome. I am becoming quite solid in my sense of self worth. It is mine, and no one can take that away from me. I have a purpose in life, and know what kind of person I want to be.

When does one use boundaries, and when does one simply “send them your blessings and let them be on their own journey”?