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This is unbelievably kind of you to say Prash and I hope to take this advice on board and live in the present rather than dwell on the past.
Hi Sheelanagig and Prash, thanks for your words of wisdom. I read a bit about intrusive thoughts and I get that not everything I think or was intrigued by can be understood and it is more likely a reflection on a situation or a different phase in my life. Hopefully, I can remind myself of this advice when I’m finding things difficult. It’s when I’m most horrified by what I did that I remove myself from those I love because I feel almost unworthy and I hope this will help me to move on from this mistake.
I think this has helped very much. I think it just disarms me, these feelings of disgust of myself, because reading porn and that kind of porn and fan fiction in general is just something no one I know personally does and so I feel like only I have committed this sin and that because it is so abnormal that I must be so much worse than others and the normal stuff they do. Drugs, sex, alcohol seem like such regular mistakes and understandable ones whereas what I’ve done is so irregular and seems so much worse.
I also find it difficult because I don’t know how it is I was curious to read this porn when I don’t even watch porn or like the idea of seeing people intimate. I feel ill sometimes not only because I’ve done something bad but because no one around me would have done the same and so no one would understand it- hell even I don’t. Is this normal? To feel like the only bad person amongst normal good people.
Thanks for your clarification Anita, it has certainly helped in understanding that what I did was a mistake and repeating or allowing that behaviour to continue would’ve been bad. I guess though I have to realise that not everyone has the same experiences as me and so not everyone makes the same mistakes but it is hard not being able to share and feeling as though I’m harbouring a dark secret.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Nonny.
Hi Prash. Thank you so much for your reply, it has filled me with relief. I was so scared that all my fears would come true and it would confirm what I thought, that this mistake would make me a horrible person and I could never move away from it. Trying to overcome the guilt I feel is awful, some days are worse than others but I’m learning. It’s hard keeping it secret because I’m usually so honest and tell my mum everything because we’re close but I quickly became scared that it was a lie because this thing made the person I thought I was seem fake, like inside I must be a monster to have done that and it’s hard not to think that still.
If there is a silver lining, it’s that I can understand better when people I know make mistakes and I can forgive theirs much quicker because I know that mine are as bad but more likely worse and I no longer hold such high standards of people because I haven’t been able to meet them myself.
I think what helps is reminding myself that I would never do such things or read such things again, I have learnt and grown as a person and my morals and principles are probably the reason I feel sick thinking back on what I did.
I will take on board your suggestion of therapy because when I had the urge to read and search for the most wrong and dark fics, I felt an almost compulsion to do it so I will definitely want to know if there were any triggers. To do something so wholly unlike myself and my beliefs is definitely scary and I would hope to prevent it ever happening again.
Thanks again, prash, you will never know how much you have helped. Still though, if there are more people out there who think differently or wish to add their thoughts please do, this chapter is certainly not closed in my life as much as I want to move on. I of course have lots to learn and make up for.