Dear Anita and Helcat –

Thank you for your kind wishes! I would like to learn how to be “okay without a partner.” I have dated on and off for the last six years after marriage, and I think being with someone was all I knew. I would like to teach myself how to be okay without needing to be attached to someone. A friend suggested that I could grow into it. I usually bail after a while. I don’t have isolation in mind -just healthy relationships that aren’t necessarily romantic. Does this make sense?

Some time has passed since I posted here. I have met with him a few times, on and off. He wants to take the next step. I don’t. I haven’t said it, but I suspect he knows. I am glad that we reconnected, but I feel like we’re stuck. Normally, I would just say it, but he makes me nervous. Trying to find a way to do this that respects him while being true to myself.

I think I have finally figured things out and am going to tell him how I feel. I worry about doing this over the phone, so send good vibes my way. I am personally praying to be delivered from “autophobia,” which I do believe has always been an issue for me. Sending good vibes to the rest of you, too.

Reflecting on my part in all of this, and identifying a pattern in my behavior. I get excited with a connection, really get it into the other person, and then burn out. Going deep tells me to slow everything down and get to know the other person better. My own pattern feels self-destructive. Mr. Intense seems to be making a real effort. I will be up front and tell him that I am a ways from commitment and we shall see what he says. I’m telling myself that the reward will be staying true to me. It will be a while until we see each other since we both have hard work schedules right now, so I won’t know his reaction for a good week or so.

I have to say, though, that I was really annoyed with an older friend of mine who called me yesterday to ask about my love life. I haven’t been updating her because I am widowed (she is not), but she still speaks to me as if she knows all about dating as a widow. she won’t stop hammering away at how unhappy I’ll be if I don’t find someone, but really, how will I ever know if I don’t try to be alone for even a few months? (I was alone for 10 months after he died until I dipped my toes into the crazy world of dating apps). She keeps assuring me that “I’ll find someone,” but can she deliver on that promise? No.

Anyway, back to the current situation…hoping he will be willing to try a slower roll. I feel myself getting sucked back into a hot and heavy relationship and my insides are pleading with me to slow down in a major way.

Hi. An update here. I resumed talking with the ex because I missed him. Reminder – the breakup was eight months ago and bad. We have had five conversations and one meeting in one week. He took responsibility for his part and I am very impressed with the work he has done. Very impressed. He insisted that we date exclusively and insists that it is meant to be. He is all-in, all the way, even resumed the L-word. I am worried. Everything is okay right now, but you can’t just erase a bad breakup. i had a serious panic attack before our meeting. He was calm, charming, respected boundaries and trying really hard. I am genuinely enjoying the conversations, but my insides are screaming at me to back off. Six intense convos in one week…that’s a lot. I think I need a lot of time to be able to say that we’re an item again. I haven’t told my kids that we’re talking and they won’t like it, but that’s not the main thing. I just can’t get comfortable. I do love him, but I can’t give back what he is giving me right now. I mean, it has only been one week. He is not violent, but I just want to go slow. He already declared that he can’t be friends, either partners for life or nothing. That makes me feel pressure. Your thoughts are welcome, I am upset because I do love him, but I’m all torn up on the inside.

All of you are correct. I don’t consider myself conservative, but sexting is a no for me because I am raising teens.

So he has been sick for 5 days now and says he still can’t handle an emotional convo. I’m compassionate, but part of me feels like he’s prolonging it.

I’m not sure about the chemistry – was it just natural? Some of the most intense conversations I have ever had. I had two loves before this person – one when I was very young (early 20’s), and then my husband before he died seven years ago. After getting some dating experience, last summer’s man felt like natural love – where it’s just there and then you run with it. He seemed to have anger issues. Never even remotely physical, but he seemed to have a lot of estrangements in his life. He questioned some of my dearest friends, called a couple of them names (just in front of me). What bothers me to this day is that it just ended with a big splat and we never even tried to reconnect. That happened to me with my first love, and I regretted not giving him at least one more chance. I just don’t want to have regrets. I don’t know if we could have worked through it because we didn’t try. And he recently hinted that he was open to another chance.

I hear you on pleasing parents. My Mom tried to stick her nose in my business on this one, and I followed my therapist’s advice and am following my heart and conscience. I do think, though, that last summer’s man was really meeting a need, and maybe the most important one. I just wonder if walking it back is wise. But even now, several months later – it felt extraordinary.