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Ofelia

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • June 6, 2018 at 11:34 am in reply to: Many years had to pass for me to realise I was never alive… #211245
    Ofelia
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    Yes, I know no one’s happy all the time… I know it’s not something I can achieve, I would just like to be able to function like most people.

    I did clean my room. It felt a bit humiliating, I kept thinking how much worse I am than other people, I know I shouldn’t, but the more I’m trying not to think negatively the more I’m doing it.

    I also had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for today, it took a lot of effort to just make the call to book it. I got ready, I dressed, I put on my make-up, but… I couldn’t force myself to leave. I’m feeling really bad today because of this…

     

    Hello, Michael,

    Thank you for replying to my post and for your kind words. Your post gave me hope that I desperately needed today. It even made me smile and I don’t smile often these days. I’d love to make a positive impact on others, even though usually the exact opposite is happening regardless of my intentions. So reading that sharing my struggle and hopelessness could move someone and make them feel not so much alone was really special to me.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Ofelia.
    June 5, 2018 at 6:23 am in reply to: Many years had to pass for me to realise I was never alive… #210865
    Ofelia
    Participant

    Thank you for sharing your insight.

    It’s true that my home wasn’t perfect, but many people were in similar or even worse situation. And they have the sources inside them to keep pushing forward, while I’m stuck in the same place, in my room, my bed… For years…

    There’s some distant ray of hope that appears and disappears. There’s days when I feel better and then I feel like I HAVE to do something, fast! I’ve wasted so much time, all my life to this point is meaningless and I have to fight, do something, go out, find people to talk to or at least do anything, clean my room, try to read a book (I used to love reading, but now it usually makes me cry, because I’m unable to focus on it), but the thought of “doing something” is too overwhelming. I almost never do what I plan to do and it’s very depressing for me.

    I just want to sleep… Then I get a glimpse of what life could be like, for example see people posting on Facebook and sharing their colorful lives. And then I want to sleep AND never wake up.

    Do you think that I can be healed…? I don’t know how to start over again and not get discouraged…

    June 5, 2018 at 3:41 am in reply to: Many years had to pass for me to realise I was never alive… #210835
    Ofelia
    Participant

    It is somehow a connection, but what I’d like to have is a deep and meaningful relationship (not necessarily a romantic one), however there’s a “wall” between me and other people that I can’t get past. I might have built it myself, unconsciously.

    I’m not sure. If I’ve let my life come to this point then there’s something wrong with me. It’s not a normal human behaviour… And life’s been so miserable for so long that I don’t know how to find hope and strengh to try to get better… I feel like it’s too late.

    “What if the truth was so scary that you closed your eyes to it” – you might be right. But then what is that truth…?

    I never got much attention from anyone. I was basically left to myself. My mom didn’t react much to my successes nor failures and when I’d look for help trying to explain how I felt she would get annoyed and tell me that everyone struggles, it’s all in my head and I have to get over it. I think she tries to understand, at times. But I don’t feel the support.

    June 4, 2018 at 1:32 pm in reply to: Many years had to pass for me to realise I was never alive… #210763
    Ofelia
    Participant

    Hello anita, thank you for replying.

    My father was neglectful and critical of me and after he and mom divorced he disappeared from my life completely. I think my problems started during the beginning of junior high school. I would skip classes because I was scared of classmates and was always alone, felt like an alien basically. I wasn’t really bullied, but the thought alone of someone looking at me with disapproval scared me enough to decide it was “better” to stay home and sleep than go to school. I also had really bad acne and was very insecure about my looks in general. I felt like I wasn’t pretty or interesting enough for people.

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