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Many years had to pass for me to realise I was never alive…

Home→Forums→Tough Times→Many years had to pass for me to realise I was never alive…

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • June 4, 2018 at 8:19 am #210655
    Ofelia
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    I’m almost 22 years old, I’ve never had a friend, I have trouble connecting with people, or should I say: I’m simply unable to do that, I’ve spent most of my life in my room feeling miserable and mostly sleeping, I’m alive but not living… That’s the long story short.

    I feel like there’s some hidden truth no one told me about, something everyone is supposed to know and I was born without that knowledge or the means needed to acquire it. There’s something fundamentally wrong with the way I am. For the past few years I’ve been trying to find out what it is and what I can do to change, but I keep failing and failing. Is it social anxiety that makes it hard to be around others, or am just a bad person that should be avoided? Am I depressed or simply lazy? Too lazy to try to actually live, is that a thing…?

    I tried to go to the therapist, but I quit after a few meetings, I wasn’t able to be truthful with her and somehow ended up acting like I’m feeling better than I actually was, trying to convince myself I’m strong in front of her and she said: well, maybe you shouldn’t come here? I felt like she hated me and I’m “stealing” the time that should be used for those in worse shape that I am and whatever I’m dealing with, it’s not nearly bad enough to look help for.

    I had many problems while in highschool, skipped a lot of classes. I wanted to go to the university, but I didn’t.

    I moved out of my country, alone. To get myself in a situation where i’m forced to fight with social anxiety and hopefully find some purpose. I planned not to go back. I found a job in a restaurant and learned how people are supposed to be like observing my housemates, although I was too terrified to talk to them or even see them, so I avoided going to the shared kitchen and I starved, because it was too challenging to go to the store to get some food. I got fired after the trial period, it was a very busy environment and I couldn’t keep up with the work because I’d feel weak and dizzy from the lack of food. My world crumbled again.

    I got back to my country and family house, feeling like a complete failure with no hopes left.

    I’m sleeping again. Almost all day.

    I’m not strong enough for this world and if I continue to pretend otherwise, there’s only disappointment waiting ahead. I can only hurt myself and others further by existing. That’s how I feel. I’m simply disgusted with myself.

    My only wish right now is to kill myself for my birthday.

    June 4, 2018 at 8:55 am #210677
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ofeia:

    Before you became “unable to do that (connect with people)”, before you felt “miserable and mostly sleeping.. alive but not living”, you were very much alive and living, very much connecting to your parent/s, reaching out to them. You were very much awake, anticipating, looking forward to the next moment, the next hug, perhaps, or smile.

    Will you share here what happened to take away from you that liveliness, that natural need and ability to connect, one that we, as social animals are born with?

    anita

    June 4, 2018 at 1:32 pm #210763
    Ofelia
    Participant

    Hello anita, thank you for replying.

    My father was neglectful and critical of me and after he and mom divorced he disappeared from my life completely. I think my problems started during the beginning of junior high school. I would skip classes because I was scared of classmates and was always alone, felt like an alien basically. I wasn’t really bullied, but the thought alone of someone looking at me with disapproval scared me enough to decide it was “better” to stay home and sleep than go to school. I also had really bad acne and was very insecure about my looks in general. I felt like I wasn’t pretty or interesting enough for people.

    June 5, 2018 at 2:23 am #210823
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ofelia:

    You posted your first post, then I replied and you replied back: a connection has been made, you initiated it and here it is. So you are able to connect. It is not true then that you are unable to connect (“I’m simply unable to do that”).

    In your original post you wrote: “There’s something fundamentally wrong with the way I am”- with the way you live, sleeping most of the time, suffering, sure there is something very wrong with that. But there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you, seems to me.

    You wrote: “I feel like there’s some hidden truth no one told me about, something everyone is supposed to know and I was born without that knowledge or means needed to acquire it”- what if you were born with the ability to see the truth but the truth was so scary that you closed your eyes to it, as children often do. I wonder.

    You wrote that your father was neglectful and critical of you and disappeared from your life after a divorce from your mother. Next you mentioned junior high where you were afraid of disapproval.

    But what about your mother- did she approve of you, when your father was present and after his departure, did she give you the approval, the acceptance, the attention that you needed?

    anita

     

    June 5, 2018 at 3:41 am #210835
    Ofelia
    Participant

    It is somehow a connection, but what I’d like to have is a deep and meaningful relationship (not necessarily a romantic one), however there’s a “wall” between me and other people that I can’t get past. I might have built it myself, unconsciously.

    I’m not sure. If I’ve let my life come to this point then there’s something wrong with me. It’s not a normal human behaviour… And life’s been so miserable for so long that I don’t know how to find hope and strengh to try to get better… I feel like it’s too late.

    “What if the truth was so scary that you closed your eyes to it” – you might be right. But then what is that truth…?

    I never got much attention from anyone. I was basically left to myself. My mom didn’t react much to my successes nor failures and when I’d look for help trying to explain how I felt she would get annoyed and tell me that everyone struggles, it’s all in my head and I have to get over it. I think she tries to understand, at times. But I don’t feel the support.

    June 5, 2018 at 4:04 am #210841
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ofelia:

    “then what is that truth…?”, you asked. Here is my suggestion of what the truth is, in your life:

    There is nothing wrong with you. There was something wrong with the home in which you grew up. That wrong was a neglectful, critical father and mother. A criticized and neglected child cannot possibly grow up to be a healthy adult. No child can.

    Your father finally disappeared from your life, following a divorce. But your mother, she was there physically, but in a negative way, telling you it was all in your head.

    But it was not all in your head. There was really something very wrong in your home, in the parenting you received. It really happened, you didn’t make it up, you didn’t misunderstand.

    No child can grow up to be a healthy, well functioning adult coming from a damaging home.

    Yet, through a process of healing, it is possible to become healthier and healthier and better functioning.

    Please post more of your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

    June 5, 2018 at 6:23 am #210865
    Ofelia
    Participant

    Thank you for sharing your insight.

    It’s true that my home wasn’t perfect, but many people were in similar or even worse situation. And they have the sources inside them to keep pushing forward, while I’m stuck in the same place, in my room, my bed… For years…

    There’s some distant ray of hope that appears and disappears. There’s days when I feel better and then I feel like I HAVE to do something, fast! I’ve wasted so much time, all my life to this point is meaningless and I have to fight, do something, go out, find people to talk to or at least do anything, clean my room, try to read a book (I used to love reading, but now it usually makes me cry, because I’m unable to focus on it), but the thought of “doing something” is too overwhelming. I almost never do what I plan to do and it’s very depressing for me.

    I just want to sleep… Then I get a glimpse of what life could be like, for example see people posting on Facebook and sharing their colorful lives. And then I want to sleep AND never wake up.

    Do you think that I can be healed…? I don’t know how to start over again and not get discouraged…

    June 5, 2018 at 7:05 am #210873
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ofelia:

    You are welcome. You wrote: “many people were in similar or even worse situation”… and indeed many people suffer, many millions of people all over the world suffer. Many of the people “posting on Facebook and sharing their colorful lives” are suffering greatly. A photo of a person smiling can last a lifetime, while the smile itself lasted a few seconds.

    Yes, I think you can heal. But note this, if you will: that glimpse that you get from time to time, of how life can be, the glimpse of excitement and good feeling… this is not how life can be on an ongoing basis. It is only at times that we feel so good, and this is true for healthy people, and not so healthy people. Everyone feels excellent sometimes, far from it being so most of the time or all of the time.

    “how to start over again and not get discouraged”- take a small step ahead, no progress is too small. Any progress is significant. If cleaning your room seems overwhelming, take the step of spending five minutes cleaning your room. Look at the clock and time those five minutes, then go lie in your bed if you want. Progress has been made.

    A step at a time, a small step. And then congratulate yourself for having taken that step. Instead of thinking how you imagine other people are doing more and better, think about how you have just did a little more and a little better than a moment ago.

    Will you try that, five minutes perhaps of cleaning your room and let me know how it was for you?

    anita

     

     

    June 6, 2018 at 9:29 am #211185
    Michael
    Participant

    Dear Ofelia,

    I read your post and was moved by it and found it to be very profound and beautiful.  Even though you don’t think so, you have made a difference in people’s lives just by posting this because there are others like you going through the same thing.  You are not alone in the way you feel.  I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it and I just wanted to make sure that you knew you are important and that you really impacted someone.  Also, please know that you are never too old and it is never too late to make a positive change in your life.

    June 6, 2018 at 11:34 am #211245
    Ofelia
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    Yes, I know no one’s happy all the time… I know it’s not something I can achieve, I would just like to be able to function like most people.

    I did clean my room. It felt a bit humiliating, I kept thinking how much worse I am than other people, I know I shouldn’t, but the more I’m trying not to think negatively the more I’m doing it.

    I also had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for today, it took a lot of effort to just make the call to book it. I got ready, I dressed, I put on my make-up, but… I couldn’t force myself to leave. I’m feeling really bad today because of this…

     

    Hello, Michael,

    Thank you for replying to my post and for your kind words. Your post gave me hope that I desperately needed today. It even made me smile and I don’t smile often these days. I’d love to make a positive impact on others, even though usually the exact opposite is happening regardless of my intentions. So reading that sharing my struggle and hopelessness could move someone and make them feel not so much alone was really special to me.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Ofelia.
    June 6, 2018 at 11:49 am #211251
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ofelia:

    Congratulations for cleaning your room and for setting the doctor’s appointment and preparing for it!

    You wrote that you kept thinking how much worse you are than other people when cleaning your room, worse functioning you mean, correct? If so, you are worse than some, better than others. There are many people not capable of cleaning their room for a variety of reasons. You were able to do so and you did.

    You arranged for a doctor’s appointment and prepared for it even though it was very difficult. I understand it is disappointing to you that you didn’t leave your home for the appointment, but try to focus on your achievements.

    Please aim at being empathetic toward yourself, not hateful to yourself as you have been. You need empathy, not self hate. Empathy will work for you, motivate you to function better. Focusing on your failures, beating yourself up for failing will bring about more and more failures.

    For the purpose of healing, of functioning better, treat yourself with empathy.

    anita

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