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Ostan

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    Ostan
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    The very same thing happened to me just two nights ago.   I lost that “IN LOVE” feeling.   It was sudden … no apparent warning signs, nothing.   And that’s what makes it SCARY.    I went to bed after I had finished polishing his shoes and after I had prepared and eaten our evening meal.   I was feeling tired and exhausted after a fun filled day of activities … working out at LA Fitness for two hours, then driving to Titlow beach for a dip in the cold waters of Puget Sound.   It was a normal “settling down for the evening” routine.   Nothing out of the ordinary.   Jet and I lying next to each other.   Every 30 minutes he’d get up to go to the bathroom; and because he has difficulty sleeping … especially on warm nights, he’d go into the other room to sleep sometimes.   He was in the other room to sleep of course … nothing new I thought.   Him sleeping in the other did play with my mind a little bit, but I thought nothing if it.   It was a normal routine for him that I’m learning to accept.   Then he’d walk back into the room I was in and lay next to me.   An hour or so as we both laid in bed together, in a spoon position, with my back facing him, I suddenly woke up with this inquisitive look on my face.   I woke up with this awful terrible empty feeling inside.   And I felt it in my heart — you know that broken aching feeling.   The feeling of “totally and completely in love” I had for Jerry for one and a half year was gone … vanished, disappeared.   I looked at the wall and I FELT NOTHING FOR THIS MAN.    I was scared to my wits … absolutely frightened.   I kept muttering to myself “no, no, no, god no, this can’t be happening, what happened, where is it, what’s going on, … what’s happening to me, omg, … god no, please don’t take my love away for this man, please god, please don’t, …. no, no, I love this man so much, … please god, please don’t …. someone please help me.”   I was hysterical.   Tears began to fall from my eyes and I bursted out sobbing, crying uncontrollably.   Jerry reached over to me and gently said  “honey what’s the matter?    I didn’t want to answer him.   I couldn’t.   How could I.   What would I say.   I continued to cry and cry.   Then something inside me said to tell him … to be honest with him and up front.   But I was afraid … I wasn’t sure how he’d take it.    I don’t want to hurt him I said to myself.   But that inner voice kept saying to tell him…. tell him.   So I did.    I said my love for you isn’t there … it’s gone.   I said it feels as if my heart has been drained of all the love I had for him … like a balloon that had lost all its air in it.   And Jerry, my sweet lovable caring Jerry kept saying, “ I don’t understand, I don’t understand honey.   How could Love just vanish and disappear like that honey.   I don’t understand.   It’s just a Dream honey.  You were just having a bad dream.   I never heard such a thing.”     But I kept crying because I know it can and it did happen ….. to me.   To us.   I FELT NOTHING FOR HIM.   AN AWFUL EMPTY NOTHING.   But I kept talking.   I said just keep talking, look him in the eyes, cup his face gently with your hands and just say how much you love him, how much you adore him, how happy you’d been, how terrific today was spending the day with him … just talk, keep saying loving and caring things I said to myself … peppering his face and lips with gentle kisses, taking him into my arms and hugging him tightly, looking deeply in his eyes … pouring out whatever love I had left in me … that same love I had three hours ago.   In my heart I knew it would return …. that incandescent love I had for him.  I knew and believed deep in my heart that it would return.   After about 45 minutes, I finally began to calm down.   I wasn’t as fearful … wasn’t as afraid that something I had valued with my life was forever lost.   I stopped crying and I began to feel the love I had for him again.   The familiar undying love, care started to return.   My world settled back down to normalcy.   That awful nightmare slowly disappearing into the darkness from which it came.   I kept peppering his face and lips with gentle kisses.   But I also knew this experience was far from over.   I kept processing what I had just went through.   The inner voice said if you want the love for this man to flourish and grow, you must be completely open with your feelings and not hide them and not keep them pinned up inside.

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