Geovane, you have created a compelling argument but I think it mainly applies to young guys for whom peer group dictates self-worth. As you mature as a man, you care less about what your peer group thinks and focus more on what you need out of a relationship between two separate and distinct adults with different needs and histories, different dreams and priorities.

Dear Dhanush-rj,

Do you know what sort of person you want to be? I don’t mean what job, I mean an adventurer, a quiet stay at home guy, a facilitator, a tech, what? If not then don’t worry. You won’t grow up for years yet, especially if you have had a lot of education. So just try everything. Try not to care what anyone thinks – especially your parents – their job is now over. And if you feel scared, then think of the scariest possible thing and just go do it. Because only then will your head clear and your path start to show itself.

I speak as the mother of three sons in their twenties. Don’t listen to your parents. They know nothing of the world you will grow up in, so their advice will be wrong.

Painterly

Dear Dragonlily,

Oh dear, it sounds like you have spent your life waiting for someone else to make you happy. Your first boyfriend, then your parents, (who seem to have sent you away from your life), then your arranged marriage and now the flirt at work. (Newsflash, this behaviour is normal in all men, even 80 year olds). Well the only person who can make you happy is….YOU! Yes you! Your own best friend!

I’m assuming you are still in a foreign country. In Asia maybe? Where divorce is difficult? Otherwise you would have divorced your abusive husband and be bringing up your daughter on your own. Well here’s the thing. You have a husband. He hasn’t left you. Sit down with him and talk. Not over a romantic dinner or anything manipulative like that. Agree to put a date in your diaries, then sit down in a neutral space, and tell him you are unhappy, you are working on it but that you would like to be friends with him. It will take weeks or months, but there is a chance that you can learn to befriend each other. You have at least one thing in common and that’s your daughter. I’m not saying this is going to suddenly become the big romantic love of your life and even if it threatens to, don’t let it, because that’s just a big fantasy anyway. But show some compassion. He’s another human being who probably feels just as let down and isolated as you do. If you can’t work as friends then consider leaving and starting afresh. To do that you will need to build a loyal network of friends and family who will stick by you (alone) whatever. This is all going to take work. Relationship work, but it’s the alternative to victimhood, which might be comfy, but won’t take you anywhere.

Oh and as for the mindfulness – go to the App store and look for Headspace or one of the other mindfulness apps.

Painterly

Hello,

When you were a child, the people you most depended on let you down repeatedly. For you, that is life’s pattern, so when things are going well, at a new school/church/neighbourhood, subconsciously you are waiting for signs of it all crumbling. The first sign of disappointment inflates into what looks like an incipient crisis so you throw in the towel, before anyone else gets the chance to hurt you again.

These are very deep rooted issues. Another new school/job/neighbourhood won’t change this. Only working on yourself will – that generally means psychotherapy/cognitive behavioural therapy. Anita is right, healing takes a long time. You start by improving your relationship with yourself (this doesn’t mean being self-indulgent, but listening to and respecting your own emotions.) Then start work on just one or two relationships. You’ve got a dog. That’s great. I know this is going to sound odd but even being mindful of your relationship with the dog and actively appreciating it will help with the healing process. Pull gratitude into your life. Try reading The Tools by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels, especially the Gratitude Flow. Write down three things every night that you are grateful for: really small things as well as big things, such as:
the Sun
clean socks
a song you heard on the radio

This will help shift the darkness in the short term.
Oh and as for your birthday, mine’s on Wednesday and I’m spending it without even a dog. And that doesn’t worry me at all.

Painterly

Hello again,

Let me clarify a little bit about people pleasing. It’s a strategy for dealing with insecurity, just like your step sister’s controlling behaviour. I’m afraid it is no healthier than her behaviour, but instead of hurting others, people pleasing is self harm. Okay, these words are going to sound a little strong, but stay with me.

It seems to me that there was very little parenting going on in your childhood. Your parents did not create a calm secure environment with clear boundaries but “let [you] raise [yourselves]”. What usually happens is that one or more of the children fills that gap and takes over the parenting role. You did it by helping your dad when he (quite wrongly) vented his emotional issues and by looking after your mother’s health. Your step sister may have attempted to fill the parenting gap by taking control in one way or another. These behaviours are the result of insecure parenting.

But childhood only lasts 18 years and you may live to 90. So now, the time has come to parent yourself. If you were your own good parent, what advice would you give yourself? Try this exercise. Write yourself a letter as though you are your own strong, insightful parent. My guess is that you would tell yourself in no uncertain terms that your step sister and your parents are NOT your responsibility and that you are neglecting your true responsibility, which is you. Build up your strength because you are going to need it – when you yourself become a parent. Don’t consider having a child until you have learned to parent yourself. When you have learned this you will be the strong parent that your own parents never were and will thus break the cycle.

You sound like a lovely caring, kind person. That is all good, but ask yourself this: who is protecting her? It has to be you.