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Parselmouth

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  • September 21, 2013 at 9:53 am #42553
    Parselmouth
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    I can totally relate to your pain, RoseTattoo, I could almost have written your post myself. Back in April I split from a guy who had been a really important friend in my life. I behaved badly towards him (although that’s a matter of opinion, mostly his) and have really struggled to come to terms with the whole thing. The loss of the relationship, the damage to my sense of self and self respect, the grief have all been so painful and difficult. Now, at the distance of a few months, the bad days are getting less, the good days are better and more frequent, but still there’s a huge hole inside me that sometimes I feel nothing and no-one will ever fill. And it was only an internet friendship! I think that was the problem, because there was a false sense of intimacy, and never any mundane reality intruding to bring the relationship down to earth. Maybe it was the same for you if your relationship was conducted over long distance?

    What I have learned is to focus on the here and now (mindfulness), to let myself off the hook and not beat myself up for what I did. I have learned things about myself, not all good, but in some ways that’s a worthwhile learning experience too. One thing I have learned is that I ruminate too much and that it’s not healthy. I had focussed on this friendship to the exclusion of others, but what I have discovered since we split is that I have lots of other good friends who are there for me in ways that he never was, and I am now reaping the benefits of directing my attention to nurturing those friendships. I had neglected them in pursuit of the one who was never going to be there for me as a real friend, however amazing it was at the time.

    I can’t say I have got over it, the grief is still raw at times, but I am making progress and that’s all I can ask right now.

    You have to give yourself time, nurse the wounds, but make sure you treat yourself to some TLC along the way.

    September 17, 2013 at 11:18 pm #42387
    Parselmouth
    Participant

    I can really relate to this topic. I too was in a friendship in which I was highly invested, but on his I think was only a disposable internet thing. He said to me in the beginning that he gets bored with people easily and moves on without looking back, so I always knew how it would end. We were friends for a long time, over a decade, and I suppose I just forgot and thought that we had forged a bond that would last but I was wrong. He drifted off, but he would never talk to me about it and now that we have ended acrimoniously I have a head full of questions buzzing me like a crowd of sad, angry bees.

    I know all the advice. Try mindfulness, love yourself, don’t beat yourself up, think positive thoughts, be grateful for the good things, allow yourself to mourn the relationship, let go, find something to put in its place, be your own best friend, rely on your friends etc etc, but I’m still raw at times and just can’t believe that he could walk away from something that was so amazing. It had ceased to be amazing for him and he had found someone else, and I know I have to accept that he no longer has any interest but it’s just agonising. I had never had a friendship like it and never will again. I wouldn’t want to make myself that vulnerable. I read advice on here saying that you need to make yourself vulnerable to truly engage in life, but then when it all goes wrong and you experience the worst pain of your life, you never want to go there again.

    And yet I now feel utterly bereft, as if the best parts of me have been ripped out and stamped on. And I don’t know how to get myself back, I just feel broken. He knew all this buddhist wisdom and life coaching stuff, and was my support for so long. I came to rely on him and depend on that support but now I just feel like my structure is gone and even though I have lots of other lovely friends, the loss of this particular one has broken my heart.

    I was absolutely addicted, and the loss of him has been like going cold turkey from the most addictive drug you can think of.

    Many people have come and gone from my life before, friends, lovers, beloved pets, even my parents, but I’ve never hurt this much. I just can’t let it go. I’ve blamed myself, blamed him, behaved badly towards him and damaged my own belief in myself. And the more well meaning advice and help I find, the harder it seems to be to move forward. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again.

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