I can’t thank you enough for your replies. Yes, I suppose she did. Although I worry I’ve blanked a lot of it out. I remember being told to leave home a lot. She was furious with me for breaking up with my ex. My ex’s father was terminally ill – she accused my dad of having an affair with his mother, and told her she never wanted to know our children (even though we’d broken up). She accused my dad of ‘showing himself’ to myself and my friends. For quite some time, when it was at its worst, I lived in perpetual fear that everything and anything I did would be interpreted the wrong way – a bad way – and it would tip her into a rage. I had one eye on me, and one eye on her. There was one look. One facial expression. Which I knew meant game over – that was the evening/ day/ weekend ruined. We were always accused of saying things. Telling people, ‘spies’ about her. She often heard voices. But this was years ago. I constantly had to cover for her behavior when we had people around. I would distract my aunties and uncles when I could hear her screaming and screaming in the garden. It was like a dirty secret. She refused to seek medical help. She is much better now, and I love her to the moon and back. How can this be effecting me now? And how is this impacting on my current relationship?

How do I find that glue? I know what you’re saying is right. For some reason, I’m convinced I have this inner ‘badness’ and I’m just waiting for people to discover it. I am waiting for my boyfriend to break up with me. I am waiting to catch him looking at a girl in a certain way; or to have an in depth conversation of which I play no part. I’m torturing myself and I’m torturing him. And I just unleash this rage, this resentment that comes deep in the pit of my stomach. And I know it comes from a place of being threatened. I always had this thing since I was tiny of needing to be like the person I’m talking to and this has never gone away.  When my partner speaks to another girl, or even his sister or his mother, and voices admiration, I feel distraught that i am not them. I become so incredibly jealous. I feel I am ‘wrong’ and everyone else is right. And its just a question of time until he finds out. And Im on borrowed time. I don’t know how to stop this feeling.