Hello everyone again. I am back since I am facing certain insecurities again and I am cought up in my own complex thinking.

The story goes like that, the girl I mentioned in this thread before, we are officially dating the last couple of months. Anita had pointed out that no matter when/ who / why I will start dating someone, all the insecurities and fears will creep in again. So I had decided to take a step forward and see HOW IT GOES…

In general she s very ‘collaborative’ and understanding. This means that every time I want to discuss about something ( past relationships or some doubts I have or whatever crosses my mind) she will very positively talk through it and leave me without any doubt. She did some really cute things for me, drove me to the airport at 8am only in the first week we were dating, came for a kiss goodnight at my place and all the vibe I get from her friends/ surroundings is very promising. A friend of hers saw me in the street and told me ‘Say hi to your girlfriend’ even though we didnt have any conversation between us-I was really happy and surprised.

However, that last 2 weeks we havent met  and she cancelled our last appointment without really suggesting of postponing, I started almost panicking. We kept texting a lot and she shows interest in my daily life ecc but she says that she’s still sick (in bed for 2 days) and was busy with some uni deadlines. But a little devil comes up to me telling me that 2 weeks ago she had 5mins free to give me a kiss before uni but why not now? Overall, if I want to stress I can make up many scenarios and be passive aggressive towards her, but that’s not what I want. She doesn’t give me reasons to be aggressive, to the contrary she’s very easy to talk to and she tells me about her daily things. But its so hard for me to trust her and not wanting to ruin what we have I just keep it inside me. Sometimes I have the feeling she s just all over the place and is very easily distracted so this doesnt help to make plans but im wondering how it works for her to meet up with her friends so often but not with me, right?

So my question is: How could I calm my mind/ stress down every time she cancels or if it takes so much time until we meet again? Plus, i really dont want to ruin something in case this is all my insecurity and just her way of being that I should respect, but on the other hand its really painful to feel that she has to little time for me.

I often feel that its not fair to ask many things from her even though she shows in her own way her interest in me with romantic reactions but on the other hand i cant  handle keeping my worries inside of me and be silent to just not ruin what we have insofar. OF course it takes time to get to know someone and trust them but i dont want to feel broken if it doesnt work out again! 🙁

Thanks for reading 🙂

Dear Eliana and Anita again,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!

1) Eliana, I really like the idea of not keeping exchanging messages through Social Media because in fact it is a really bad means of communication. Your idea about calling each other is brilliant but since I ve know her for less than a month and actually being in contact with her only the last week it is kind of weird to ask something like that. Maybe if I run into her again I can propose her “call me when you are free” or sth like it so I kick the ball in her court again right? 😉 Besides, as Jorge Bucay says, If we dont change our patterns what cant expect different things to come our way.

2)As for Anita, I clearly see your suggestion. That there is no point on just working on these issues without the field right? In fact there should be some stimulation and space to work in it let alone a girl I like and there is some mutual interest. For now I am trying to convince myself that there is no chance that I will get all the aswers now (she likes me? how much? what does she think? what’s she doing now?), instead future will show!

Him, being a very hotheaded and sassy person would disagree and express his anger under any circumastances. For example, if he would disagree on how I get dressed or put my makeup on he would start almost shouting at me in order to convince me to do his thing. Instead, me being very stubborn I would principally either lash out back , as if preparing to battle on even terms. Now our relationship has changed a lot. He now recognizes all my efforts to study abroad, work and do my thing, he supports and appreciates what I do- all his friends talk to me about the way he prides in me. We rarely disagree now, he just supports me and shows his love/ appreciation much more, but I guess this happens because I also live abroad now!

Lots of thanks once more, Anita. It all makes sense and you explained so clearly everything.. I keep reading your articles and responses to others. keep it up! 🙂

In fact, I always kept my hopes down so as to expect as less as possible from him. Now that I have so much experience with him, I can almost calculate or forsee his explosions of anger. Sometimes I even advise my mom on how to deal with him or how to communicate certain things.

My therapist uses “Cognitive-Behavioral therapy” with a special focus on how to manage negative feelings or thoughts. In our last meeting she pointed out that I have made a progress when ended things with the last girl because I realized it was not the correct case for me and I didnt want to experience for once more the same pattern as with THE first girl- as a reflection of my father’s behaviour. Still, despite my progress, I painfully doubt I could find a person that would instill trust and patience in me.

Somethimes I think I just want to find a person just for fun and develop zero feelings, but being eternally romantic I know I cant do this. Thank you for your analysis- it was so to the point and clear. I will ask my therapist to re-evaluate our process and focus more on this pattern you suggested. 🙂

Anita, indeed, my therapist explained me how this is relevant to my relationship with my father. That I grew up with a father that never approached me or expressed his love for me and that I was always afraid* or distant with him. I mean I do love him but our relationship is not deep at all and I never feel comfortable being close to him, unlike with my mother. When the therapist explained this theory I automatically identified and recognized the signs but I dont know how I can heal that or where to begin.