Forum Replies Created
November 5, 2017 at 12:14 pm #176591
Wonderlust16 and Anita, thank you for getting back to me. It is eye opening to hear from others that moving is just a form of escaping and there is much more to it, I will def take it into account. @Anita, indeed, dysphoria is what describes my state of mind lately. Like the whole day even, thanks for giving a hint of how to approach it.
@Wanderlust16 thanks for sharing your personal experience. I am wondering though what it technically means to actually “work on myself, understand my self better and find inner peace”. I thought I ve been working on that the past 2 years, but at the moment I feel more than lost. Or maybe at the point that I am getting to know my worst self. Recognizing all my negative patterns and really disliking who I am. I guess that’s a part of the process but can you share what you actually did and how long did it take you approx? Do you see actual difference in your daily life?September 30, 2017 at 11:09 am #171081
Hello everyone again. I am back since I am facing certain insecurities again and I am cought up in my own complex thinking.
The story goes like that, the girl I mentioned in this thread before, we are officially dating the last couple of months. Anita had pointed out that no matter when/ who / why I will start dating someone, all the insecurities and fears will creep in again. So I had decided to take a step forward and see HOW IT GOES…
In general she s very ‘collaborative’ and understanding. This means that every time I want to discuss about something ( past relationships or some doubts I have or whatever crosses my mind) she will very positively talk through it and leave me without any doubt. She did some really cute things for me, drove me to the airport at 8am only in the first week we were dating, came for a kiss goodnight at my place and all the vibe I get from her friends/ surroundings is very promising. A friend of hers saw me in the street and told me ‘Say hi to your girlfriend’ even though we didnt have any conversation between us-I was really happy and surprised.
However, that last 2 weeks we havent met and she cancelled our last appointment without really suggesting of postponing, I started almost panicking. We kept texting a lot and she shows interest in my daily life ecc but she says that she’s still sick (in bed for 2 days) and was busy with some uni deadlines. But a little devil comes up to me telling me that 2 weeks ago she had 5mins free to give me a kiss before uni but why not now? Overall, if I want to stress I can make up many scenarios and be passive aggressive towards her, but that’s not what I want. She doesn’t give me reasons to be aggressive, to the contrary she’s very easy to talk to and she tells me about her daily things. But its so hard for me to trust her and not wanting to ruin what we have I just keep it inside me. Sometimes I have the feeling she s just all over the place and is very easily distracted so this doesnt help to make plans but im wondering how it works for her to meet up with her friends so often but not with me, right?
So my question is: How could I calm my mind/ stress down every time she cancels or if it takes so much time until we meet again? Plus, i really dont want to ruin something in case this is all my insecurity and just her way of being that I should respect, but on the other hand its really painful to feel that she has to little time for me.
I often feel that its not fair to ask many things from her even though she shows in her own way her interest in me with romantic reactions but on the other hand i cant handle keeping my worries inside of me and be silent to just not ruin what we have insofar. OF course it takes time to get to know someone and trust them but i dont want to feel broken if it doesnt work out again! 🙁
Thanks for reading 🙂September 30, 2017 at 10:48 am #171079
I am writing to you since I find myself in kinda the same situation so maybe sharing the same fears or worries could help. “But I’m wondering if I’m suppressing these things or” as you mentioned you fear these feelings because you dont want to get hurt again. It is very normal to have these ideas from the perspective of fear and insecurity. It also very understandable to value other things at the moment, for example to focus on work, studies, friendships ecc and not necessarily on some romantic potential. I find myself not very sexual at the moment and that’s because I value other romantic things way higher that sex.
Besides, I know that better said that done, but as everyone says or writes, it is highly important to first love ourselves. Personally, I dont know well how to do that but maybe someone with such experience can lead you through and you shift the focus to yourself. Especially after a break up that follows much emotional suffering, people usually need time to recover and realize the most important person in their life is THEMSELVES. I guess this means that you have to take care of yourself, not suffer from past negative thinking and offer yourself whatever you need.
I wish I could say more things but I am also learning how to put in practice everything I read to make me feel myself again.
P.S. can you share the link of the first thread as I would like to read more about your story!July 26, 2017 at 1:15 am #160226
I ve been in you shoes. I can notice that even though it was really painful to descover that your ex and current girlfriend are approaching other girls and the same time you eventually did the same thing, right?
What I would try to do in your case is try to realize whether my girlfriend is in a position to care of me, give me what I want and need but also if I would be able to stand by her and not looking back in the past- this is what hurt you twice already.July 17, 2017 at 11:15 am #158534
well, it was indeed scary. in order to prevent that I was either avoiding him or hiding stuff from my personal life (school performance or occasional things that would provoke his anger). But I always kept doing what I wanted to do no matter if he would agree or not. My mother was always there to intermediate and prevent any fight or argument.
In fact it is very mentally frustrating to depend our emotional balance on others’ approval and interest especially on people we hardly know. I recognize there is a link between this past (father) fear and the current (romantic) one. I am wondering though how can this be fixed now that the relationship with parents is different?July 17, 2017 at 9:33 am #158506
Dear Eliana and Anita again,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!
1) Eliana, I really like the idea of not keeping exchanging messages through Social Media because in fact it is a really bad means of communication. Your idea about calling each other is brilliant but since I ve know her for less than a month and actually being in contact with her only the last week it is kind of weird to ask something like that. Maybe if I run into her again I can propose her “call me when you are free” or sth like it so I kick the ball in her court again right? 😉 Besides, as Jorge Bucay says, If we dont change our patterns what cant expect different things to come our way.
2)As for Anita, I clearly see your suggestion. That there is no point on just working on these issues without the field right? In fact there should be some stimulation and space to work in it let alone a girl I like and there is some mutual interest. For now I am trying to convince myself that there is no chance that I will get all the aswers now (she likes me? how much? what does she think? what’s she doing now?), instead future will show!
Him, being a very hotheaded and sassy person would disagree and express his anger under any circumastances. For example, if he would disagree on how I get dressed or put my makeup on he would start almost shouting at me in order to convince me to do his thing. Instead, me being very stubborn I would principally either lash out back , as if preparing to battle on even terms. Now our relationship has changed a lot. He now recognizes all my efforts to study abroad, work and do my thing, he supports and appreciates what I do- all his friends talk to me about the way he prides in me. We rarely disagree now, he just supports me and shows his love/ appreciation much more, but I guess this happens because I also live abroad now!June 13, 2017 at 6:46 am #152910
I totally understand you situation. Lately I was involved with someone that treated me the same way- even though we were together for way shorter time and didnt live together. But the important think is that you feel loved, worthy and respected. Ask yourself if you feel happy in this situation. Sometime things are so simple and we confuse ourselves being caught up in a trap as if we had all the time and energy of the world to help others. You should prioritze yourself and stand by him only if that fullfills you.
The night I decided to break things off with my last partner I just felt so relieved because I finally decided to treat myslef the way I deserve- once you feel ready to confront things you will just know what you have to do, no matter how difficult it will be in the beginning, how many moments you will rethink and look back but I guarantee it feels like the ultimate confession! Please, dont let people give you less than what you want/ deserve, you are the only person that decides upon that!
I will be ckeckin if you have any update.
Good luck!May 10, 2017 at 1:53 pm #148945
Lots of thanks once more, Anita. It all makes sense and you explained so clearly everything.. I keep reading your articles and responses to others. keep it up! 🙂May 8, 2017 at 1:39 pm #148543
Anita, one last thing.
Apart from the anxieties and fears as you mentioned that I’m encountering already, do you also notice problematic situations per se? Or is the way I deal with them that needs to be improved and maybe after working on myself I will have the possibility to deal effectively and with less anxiety?May 6, 2017 at 11:54 am #148287
In fact, I always kept my hopes down so as to expect as less as possible from him. Now that I have so much experience with him, I can almost calculate or forsee his explosions of anger. Sometimes I even advise my mom on how to deal with him or how to communicate certain things.
My therapist uses “Cognitive-Behavioral therapy” with a special focus on how to manage negative feelings or thoughts. In our last meeting she pointed out that I have made a progress when ended things with the last girl because I realized it was not the correct case for me and I didnt want to experience for once more the same pattern as with THE first girl- as a reflection of my father’s behaviour. Still, despite my progress, I painfully doubt I could find a person that would instill trust and patience in me.
Somethimes I think I just want to find a person just for fun and develop zero feelings, but being eternally romantic I know I cant do this. Thank you for your analysis- it was so to the point and clear. I will ask my therapist to re-evaluate our process and focus more on this pattern you suggested. 🙂May 6, 2017 at 10:45 am #148273
I have always been close to her, shared many nice moments, talks or even excursions. Even though I kept deep in my heart and mind some secrets I strongly felt she was like a friend to me. Later on I realized those secrets were guilts for hiding that I am gay and couldnt share it at the time. For certain things she prefered to have hiding things from the dad and I was raised with one friend and being afraid of the other. It sounds overdramatic but thats the easiest way to describe it.
While with my father it was so different. He is a permanent hotheaded traditional man that influenced me to always have so much megativity surrounding me. I was afraid to express myself or even share things from my daily life, school performance/ relationships with friends. We had zero communication and I could expect from time to time him to tell me off for whatever reason. Growing up within such a complex and dual ambience (hiding from one and being so open with the other) I decided to start sharing things that I felt comfortable doing with both. Such as telling them about my dreams, plans, studies.
My mother knows about my sexuality since last year- she wasnt expecting at all and it was a huge shock for her. This made me keep some distance from telling her about my sexual life- but I now know I dont have to hide or lie. And to be honest I prefer that rather than liying to one of them and being honest to the other.
The past years that I live abroad, I think, my relationship with both has improved a lot. In the sense that I try to communicate equally with both and especially my dad is trying much more to get in touch or express himself.May 6, 2017 at 10:15 am #148269
Anita, indeed, my therapist explained me how this is relevant to my relationship with my father. That I grew up with a father that never approached me or expressed his love for me and that I was always afraid* or distant with him. I mean I do love him but our relationship is not deep at all and I never feel comfortable being close to him, unlike with my mother. When the therapist explained this theory I automatically identified and recognized the signs but I dont know how I can heal that or where to begin.