Hi Anita,
Thank you so much for this reply, it’s helped me a little. I hope to get better, and if possible seek professional help. These thoughts come and go, so it’s a constant and complex battle I fight.
I will practice kindness toward myself, also learn to forgive myself and reconcile with my past. I was a child and thought the things I did are wrong, I didn’t know any better, now I know better and try to do better.