We were together since I was 19.  She was 18.  She had an abusive boyfriend who left her one day…I moved in a few days later “to help with the bills”.  I remember the first night I slept there.  She didnt want to sleep in the bed and he took all the furniture so I layed on one side of the room, while she fell asleep on the other.  In the morning she was right beside me.  We hadnt really known each other before that.  Looking back I see it was ridiculous to move in with each other and start a relationship.  If my kids were to do that today, I would have a cow.

Back then, we were both the jealous, insecure type.  I felt loved when she would show jealousy and insecurity that I might not stay with her.  I am guessing she felt the same thing.  So our “relationship rules” began to develop on a surface of jealousy and insecurity that we both found to be acceptable at the time.  Soon enough, she wanted a child.  I indicated that it was too soon for that and I wasn’t ready but she insisted and said that I must not love her if I wouldn’t want to have a child.  I gave in and 9 months later my daughter was born.  For the record, despite all the pain and anquish, I would do it all over again, make the same choices because that is the only way I could have THIS daughter again.  My daughter and in fact my children that I had with this women are without a doubt the GREATEST thing that has every happened to me.  The universe has a funny way of balancing out I have learned.  23 years of pain, but the greatest kids I could ever hope to have.

Early on her jealousy and insecurity prevented me from going to the Gym, hanging out with friends, going to college.  The pain I endured revolved around trying to do the things I wanted to do that I felt NORMAL people would do and constantly being manipulated into not doing those things.  We would have arguments about it and she would eventually give in and “let” me do the things I wanted but there would always be a price.  Every time I would actually engage in those activities she didnt want me to engage in, she would be cold, and mean.  I went to school, but if I had required group work, there could be NO WOMEN in my group.  I actually dropped a class once because of this requirement.  This was a pattern that existed all through out our relationship.  I was not allowed to have any friends that were of the opposite sex.  I was very much the same way with respect to freinds but not with things she wanted to do.  The thing was…she didnt WANT to do ANYTHING.  she was content to sit at home and watch TV all day.

Ultimately, I grew up.  I began to understand how a healthy relationship “should” be and that allowing  MY jealousy and insecurity to affect the person I love’s happiness is extremely selfish.  I had that realization and she NEVER did.  I feel like in some ways this is not all her fault, we both got into this and started our relationship based on these “rules” and I grew out of them not her.  Now I left her…and she is still who she was when she was 18.  Her earning ability is dramatically different that mine.  I went to College and have a great job, while she never was interested despite me WANTING her to go.  She is still that jealous, insecure, scared 18 year old and I walked away from her and allowed her to remain that way.  I tried for years and years to change her.  I even tried to leave her 7 years ago citing all these issues as the “why”.  She begged me to stay and promised to work on her issues and she “kind of” did but not in the right way, in my opinion.  She still felt all the jealousy, insecurity and still didnt want me to do anything…she would just supress those feelings.  She became an unhappy, withdrawn, person and even became, in my opinion, dependent on opioids to make her feel better.

So…Not only did I give up on her.  I left her with very little income potential.  Now I have agreed to give her more than what my states alimony laws require which is more than enough for her to live on (for 2 years) AND I have agreed to pay off her brand new car.  But…when that 2 years is up…then what?  I will have destroyed her life so that I can be happy.  If she were to do something like commit suicide, it would end me.  I am sure of it.

Why couldnt she goto counseling?  Why couldnt she listen to me when I told her we needed to work on stuff?

I cant talk to anyone about this because its not fair to bring my kids into this (they are adults now), and all my friends hated her anyway.  I certainly cant talk to my GF about this.  I am just waiting for it to pass.  Hoping that she starts a new life and is happy.  Maybe she can fix some of her issue now that she has suffered loss and consequence from them.  Sometimes you need a new start to make real change.

To you Anita, I want to thank you.  You have listened to me and as I sit here with tears running down my face writing this, I feel a sense of relief just telling SOMEONE whats going on in my head.

Anita and Fridah –

Thank you for your responses.  Fridah, the healing is the toughest part.  Its like having that super upset stomach from food poisoning and you know you just have to endure and it will pass, but in the mean time…its just slow agony.

Anita –

These are very good questions, YES, there was a point in my life, in my childhood, where I WISH someone would have helped me.  I was constantly bullied and picked on because of my socioeconomic status and I just silently endured.

To your first questions, NO she never communicated that I was responsible for her happiness but based on her mood swings when I would do something that was displeasing to her, I feel like I was conditioned to feel as though I was responsible for her happiness.

You know, in the early part after I left and she was begging me to come back, I gave her “opportunities” to show me that she had some understanding that she was. atleast, equally, responsible for the demise of our relationship.  I even spelled out all the areas where I felt like I was at fault and asked her what she wishes she would have done better…She replied, Atleast you are seeing that this was all your fault.  She has NEVER in our entire relationship admitted wrong doing, or communicated a sincere “I’m sorry”, so I dont know why I thought she might do that now, but I tried to give her that chance without telling her what to do.  I cant show her how to walk through the door or even tell her that the door is there, ive been down the road and she will say anything and do anything to make me come back….except the things I needed her to do.  Which is just to say im sorry, ask for help, see a counselor, talk about her feelings….

I find it so hard to think about myself.  This is the most impactful thing I have ever done, for myself and if I didnt think she needed it, I still might not have done it.