Forum Replies Created
June 22, 2017 at 1:53 pm #154582
Thank you, I do feel like I should talk to him. It feels wrong not to. I will give him a heads up – not much time left. I appreciate your feedback, PearceHawk and Macy!May 27, 2016 at 11:20 am #105807
Just an update and asking for advice. I found evidence (emails) last night that he is definitely cheating. and it’s with the person I suspected. I’ve felt guilty thinking it, because he of course had denied it. Now I have the proof, and although part of me is relieved to finally know, the other part of me is devastated. I had hoped to remain friends, work things out where I didn’t take what I’m entitled to, but instead just what I need. Now my anger is taking over, and I want to destroy him. He is being so nice to me, and I know now that it is a way to manipulate me into letting him off easy. He doesn’t yet know that I know. Worse, he is the principal of a school and this is a teacher assistant, and my 12 year old son attends that school. She is off on mat leave; my husband told me a while ago it was his cousin’s baby (mmhmm). Good Lord, this is such a soap opera, and so cliche. The other woman even had my daughter house sit for her for a week at Christmas. My middle son is her daughter’s friend. I’m sick about this. How do I try to remain calm and reasonable when I want to tear out their hearts and make them suffer like I am? When my kids find out they will feel so betrayed. Not just because of the cheating, but because they all have had involvement with her while she and my husband had no concern about breaking up our family. I’m so enraged, and I need advice on how to get clear of my anger before I make things worse. My lawyer appointment isn’t until next week, so I have to figure out what to do on my own.May 19, 2016 at 11:36 am #105076
This was something that I’ve thought about. I have looked it up, and he has all of the classic markers of a mid-life crisis, and I pity him for that. It seems that it’s really a western society phenomenon, maybe because we are so self-indulgent and coddled, and think we should have whatever our hearts desire.
I think the thing I’ve taken away from the women’s stories is that there’s not a lot I can do about it, and it can last for 3-10 years, or he may never snap out of it. Although I love him deeply (at least who he used to be), and the last thing I want is for my family to break apart (my kids don’t deserve that), I also know in my heart that living the way we have been, with me making all of the concessions, he doing nothing to repair our relationship, and me stumbling around in sadness all of the time, is exactly what I don’t want as a role model for my kids. I don’t want my daughter to think it’s ok for a husband not to love, respect and care for his wife, and that she has to continue to live that way if she ever finds herself in this situation. I don’t want my sons to think it’s ok to do what makes them and them alone happy, with no thought for their families, and that their wives should be treated this way. He definitely wants to be 25 again. He isn’t and he’s embarrassing himself in front of his colleagues, the town (I’ve had to listen to comments like “when are you going to get your husband to cut his hair?”), his friends, and worst of all, his children. One day I think he may wake up and be full of regret, but I’m not sure I’ll be there waiting. I can only wait so long, because I have a lot of living to do. I’m a little frustrated right now, because I see our cellphone bill, and his is double mine because he has sent out 1,030 text messages this month to my 133, and I use my phone for work as well. Clearly there is more going on than I know. Maybe he is cheating, although he swears he isn’t. Maybe it’s sexting, maybe it’s spilling his guts to his friends, who knows? He doesn’t seem to want to tell me the truth. I haven’t confronted him about this yet, because I just found out, and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to as I’m away this weekend. I also don’t want to be a nag, because right now we are trying to figure out our next steps apart. I do know I will need him to explain it at some point. I’m trying so hard to be understanding, to be kind, to take the higher road but I tell you, it’s getting harder and harder.May 19, 2016 at 7:42 am #105027
Eris and Rahul: Thank you for the virtual hugs. and the kind words. It’s funny how much strength I feel with the support of people I’ve never met.
Rahul: Thank you for sharing your thoughts in your blog. Reading your journey is cathartic for me.May 19, 2016 at 7:36 am #105024
Without going into complete, gory detail, some of the things he said to me were that I was messy, I am never home to cook meals for him or our children (both of which are basically false. I work full time, am on various committees with our kids’ activities, yet almost every night have dinner ready for everyone. Our house is tidy, but sometimes things are left lying around my others, I don’t think it’s my job to clean up after EVERYONE). I know that sounds defensive, but I just want to point out that I know most of what he said is not true, just very hurtful. He also told me I’m a prude, I’m mean to his mother (we have a good relationship), I’ve made fun of his family, I need to do something about my weight besides complain about it (after 3 kids I have some extra weight, but I’m not what I’d call fat), I could go on but by now I believe you probably think he’s a real jerk. None of this was ever said to me before, he was very supportive and wonderful and I have no idea what made him snap that particular day. He went very caveman, saying no one tells him what to do, he’s the man, things like that. Needless to say, that night he did not spend at home. I called his friend over and told him to make sure he kept him away for the night because I would call the police if he showed up at home. The next day when he was sober and came home, we had a talk and I told him I would never let him speak to me that way again. This was a one time only deal, and it was only because I was so blindsided. He apologized for scaring me, he asked what changes I wanted him to make. I didn’t have much to say about that, because I know that it is his way of being able to justify his comments; if I’m hurtful, then we are even and it would assuage his guilt. I also told him I am who I am. Anyway, it’s a bloody mess. It would be so much easier if he’s just been an @sshole on a regular basis. Because he was like a different person, I’m still trying to figure out where my husband went.May 19, 2016 at 7:22 am #105021
Something you wrote turned a little lightbulb off in my head. I think the trigger may be that our best friends broke up out of the blue, (she left him) and my husband was very angry with her about it. His friend has now moved on and has a young (and very nice) girlfriend. The changes in my husband started not long afterward (maybe a coincidence). His brother also left a 20+ year marriage a few years ago, and married a beautiful, kind and younger woman last year, and they are blissfully happy. Sure sounds like a trigger to me, I’m so surprised I didn’t see it myself, but thank you for helping me see what may be in his mind. I’m extremely sad, but if this is what has driven the changes in him, then there is nothing I can do about it, but get myself to a good place and move forward one step at a time.