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RichardParticipantHi Anita,
This morning my girlfriend made almost the same point you did in your last paragraph:)
Thank you again for your posts.
Richard
RichardParticipantHi Anita,
I want to be with my girlfriend. She means the world to me.
Richard
RichardParticipantHi Wind,
Thank you for your thoughtful and in-depth reply. You have given me a lot to think about.
Richard
RichardParticipantHi Anita,
I agree, it probably would be helpful if my partner were here to hold me. We want to be together. A big barrier to us being together is me landing a decent fulltime job. In a number of ways that is compounding my depression and anxiety because I want us to be together, but I am struggling in my job search. She is in a job she does not like. I do not want her to come or move here only to find me in a job I do not like.
I have actually been considering getting a weighted blanket to see if it would help me sleep. Of course it is likely no substitute for a human being, but the power of embrace, whether real or simulated, can make a big difference. I have a big heavy pillow that I sometimes lay on top of me. It seems to help a bit.
I am usually not a very outwardly physically affectionate person. When I see my parents I more or less lean in for a hug but I do not really reciprocate the embrace. Not sure why. I do remember about 5 years ago when I went home on the edge of quitting my phd program I did give my dad a full hug. He actually thanked me for it.
Again, thank you for your posts.
Richard
RichardParticipantMy mom is still living and my relationship with her is good. For most of my life I lived relatively close to my parents…within an hour drive. 9 years ago I moved to another state and now live about 7 hours away. Since I moved away I primarily talk with my dad on the phone. In many ways my dad and I have grown closer since I moved away. That is not to imply we were estranged before because we were not. But, we talk a lot more now. My mom typically lets my dad talk to me because I think I am the only sibling that talks to him on almost a daily basis. My mom said he really looks forward to us talking. My dad has been pretty huge during my darkest times since I moved away. Last winter he was calling me daily just to check on me because he knew I was struggling. A couple days ago we talked for 2 hours and probably would have talked longer but the battery on his phone was almost dead. About 5 years ago I was about to drop out of my doctoral program. I actually went home for winter break and took dress clothes with me because I was intending on looking for a fulltime job so I could quit school. During that break I was having a really difficult time sleeping…very similar as to how I am struggling this week. While I at my parents that winter I would usually fall asleep super late at night on their living room couch watching tv. My dad would actually stay up with me until he saw me fall asleep. He said he did not want me to be alone.
That was a long winded response to your question and I ended up telling you even more about my dad being there for me. In a nutshell, I have a good relationship with both my parents. They are not perfect, but they do the best they can.
Thank you for your post.
Richard
RichardParticipantHi Peggy,
Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
You make a good point about the reality of a job is often different than what is described in the interview. I had that experience with my last fulltime job. The interview made it sound great. There were a lot of things conveyed that had me excited. I spent 5 years at that job and next to nothing that was conveyed within the interview materialized. It was quite frustrating. I am guessing the opposite could happen as well. That is, a job might not sound very appealing in the interview but turn out to be great. The particular job I interviewed for is an entirely new position.
I have been out of the fulltime workforce for almost 9 years. I worked 20 – 30 hours a week as a graduate assistant and eventually a graduate intern while pursuing my phd. I was responsible for some sizable projects and initiatives while I was a student. However, it has been a long time since I had a fulltime job. Although my phd often felt like a fulltime job in and of itself. When I did work fulltime I had a tendency to become all about work to a point where it negatively affected me. I am worried about that happening again, especially if it is a job I do not even enjoy. That worry is compounded by the fact that I do not really know what I want to do. Eventually I will need to get over my fears and just do something.
Regarding my meditating, I usually meditate using the app Insight Timer. I have been considering practicing with mantras or affirmations. I am trying to live in the “now”, but am struggling to do so.
Regarding my knowing myself at a deep level, that is something I have been striving for over the years. At times I feel like I have made significant progress. But then depression and anxiety come rushing back in like this past week or like last January and I feel like I take a giant step back. Uuuuugggghhhh. What is frustrating is I have gotten back to a “good” place numerous times in my life. But when depression and anxiety hits this hard it is like I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel. One day at a time I guess.
Again, thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply.
Richard
RichardParticipantHi Jalen,
I am sorry to hear of the passing of your father, as well as your other struggles you are dealing with. As someone who has struggled most of my life with mental illness, I would like to be able to provide you with a magical solution that would instantly make things better. Unfortunately, from my experience, it is an ongoing process, with victories and setbacks, victories and setbacks. I believe you saying “All I lm focusing on now is healing myself and being a better person” is evidence that you have taken a HUGE step to feeling better. It is not an easy step to take, but you are taking it. Give yourself credit. Give yourself credit for sharing your feelings here. That took bravery. Give yourself credit for recognizing areas you want to change. You are taking action, which is HUGE.
I hope you continue to focus on yourself and on healing. Go at your own pace. You will get there.
Richard
RichardParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for both of your posts. I do believe I have unresolved past trauma from my childhood. I struggled with my weight all my life and was picked on as a kid for it. My dad who has been my hero many times even said a very mean comment about my weight when I was in grade school. I am the youngest in the family. My second oldest brother was particular mean to me growing up. He regularly ridiculed me for my weight, told me I was the stupid one in the family, along with many other cruel comments. I for the most part avoid him now, which is pretty easy because we live about 10+ hours apart.
I want to move past my past and heal. I am not sure how. I am considering seeking out a new therapist, but it is a bit difficult to do so right now for financial reasons.
Again, thank you for your posts.
RichardParticipantHi Peter,
You are spot on…my uncertainty has definitely moved in the direction of and resulted in depression, as well as anxiety. I have struggled with both for most of my life.
I have received professional help for both and recently saw my doctor to share with him what I am feeling.
Your description of some of your sleep difficulties mirrors mine. I actually bought a sleep sound machine several years ago. Lately I have been listening to ocean waves as I try to sleep. Lately I have been falling asleep on my couch with the tv on. The tv seems to help distract me from worrying. I wake up at some point in the night and I go to my bed. The past few nights I have slept a little better, which is good.
I like the idea that often Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. I agree, but struggle with truly internalizing and realizing that point. I have been doing some cognitive behavioral exercises when I write down my thoughts. The exercises are designed to help me challenge my thinking and recognized distortions. The exercises seem to help a bit.
I actually read The Alchemist a few years ago and recently recommended it to a friend. GREAT BOOK! I might re-read.
Thank you again Peter for your posts and suggestions. I greatly appreciate them.
Richard
RichardParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your post.
I definitely am experiencing anxiety. Anxiety is something I have struggled with most of my life. It has been particularly acute as of late with the looming uncertainty, specifically job uncertainty I am experiencing.
You asked when was the last time I was embraced or held…it has been a really, really long time since I was last hugged or had any physical encounter with anyone. This is primarily due to the pandemic. Your question was perfectly timed…I recently was telling my partner that I could really use a big hug. I am not someone who is particularly physically affectionate. When I see my parents I more or less lean in for a hug but I do not usually really hug them. But now with how I am feeling I think I could use a big warm hug. Actually, about 5 years ago I was about ready to quit my doctoral program. I felt completely lost and was so anxiety and depression ridden that I was barely sleeping. My dad gave me a hug during that time and I wrapped both my arms around him and hugged him back. He actually thanked me later for giving him a “real” hug for a change.
I have been considering buying a weighted blanket because they are supposed to help with anxiety and sort of simulate a hug. But I do not want to spend the money right now because of my employment uncertainty. I have a giant pillow. I am not sure how much it weighs, but the past few nights I have been laying it on top of me when I go to sleep. I have slept a little better the past 3 nights. Not sure if it is because of my pseudo-weighted blanket/pillow or if it is because of a combination of things I am doing or at least trying to do, such as meditate, journal, read TinyBuddha.
I agree with what you say about peeling off the shame I am feeling. It is something I really struggle with. Even with my dad and my partner telling me I have nothing, NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Still it is hard. Yesterday I worked up the courage to tell one of my mentors and current boss (soon to be former boss) that I struggle with anxiety and depression and have for most of my life. She was very supportive of me sharing. I am trying hard to be ok with who I am and the feelings I feel. It is an ongoing project.
Thank you again for your post.
Richard
RichardParticipantHi Peter,
Thank you for your reply. It means a lot to me. I have already read it a couple of times and read it to my partner. The quotes you provided are quite profound.
I have told my dad and my partner that I feel embarrassed by how I am feeling and handling my uncertainty. The quote you provided from the Life of Pi helped put my thoughts of embarrassment in perspective.
Yesterday I began re-reading a book called Embracing Uncertainty by Susan Jeffers. It seemed to help a little with the uncertainty I am feeling. Last night was another rough night. I seem to only be able to sleep for a couple hours at a time and when I wake up my heart is racing, and I begin ruminating. However, last night I tried to do something each time I woke up and could not immediately fall back asleep, such as listening to some guided sleep meditations and reading a little bit of Embracing Uncertainty. This morning I forced myself to get dressed and I went outside in freezing temps for about a 30 minute walk. I was quite emotional on the walk and almost cried. At least I am trying to do stuff to help or at least hopefully help lessen my rumination on and struggles with uncertainty.
Thank you again for your supportive words.
Richard
RichardParticipantIn my opinion, your step dad was WRONG when he told you that you were a messed up little kid. That is not the way to speak to any child. I feel like I could have greatly benefited from therapy during my childhood. There are pent up feelings, hurt, and beliefs I carry inside. I struggle with self-forgiveness. I have read numerous self-help, psychology, and mindfulness books, and still am searching for ways to forgive myself and move past past-hurts.
There is a guided meditation I listen to often called Forgiveness by Dan Ireland of Awareful. I listen to it on an app called Insight Timer. It almost always makes me cry. I find it helpful. Perhaps you would as well.
From your posting, it is clear you did not have it easy growing up. You had the courage to get out of there and enlist in the military and serve your country. You have the courage to post about your struggles here. Give yourself a ton of credit for being brave. I hope you are able to find ways to forgive yourself.
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