Hi Anita- Firstly, i would like to pass on a lot of gratitude for taking all the time to carefully read through every tiny detail and providing an insight.

I am not clear about the emotional shut down you had mentioned though. If i were emotionally shut down why do i feel so much of anxiety, sadness and loneliness? Does an emotionally shut down person not mean the one free of all these emotions?

Hi Anita- Firstly, apologies for the long break. I have been trying to get myself together but in vain. I have been doing brisk walking for 5kms a day, taking online dance lessons, cooking everyday, putting on some basic makeup and getting ready for work, writing and doing everything possible & have never done before but always wanted to. All this in a bid to feel better, happy and get his memories (the one this thread is about) out of my system but i find myself standing in the same place where i started. What am i doing wrong? How am i doing wrong? I really did enjoy being with him. As i mentioned in my initial post, i do not get physical easily. Alright, to tell the truth i am a 30 year old virgin (atleast technically). I really do not get physical or intimate in dates. I did not share with him this fact though. There was something in this man that just made me fall for him. I am telling you, it was something real (atleast from my side), something that filled me with bliss (not just physically). I just want to know from him what went wrong where. I know it sounds foolish, but for once i need closure in a relation. I am just tired of never having or getting any closures. I am tired of being stood up on. I am just plain tired. All i am doing is rewinding and replaying some of the nice things he said like- ‘i am so into you’, while asking me to come over his place on one of the occasions, he said- ‘bring your clothes so you can get ready for office tomorrow morning and i will drop you at work’ and stuff like that which makes me think if he did not mean anything beyond physical why would he say these things? That too when i was already intimate? Was it because he sensed all the insecurities i have?

I can narrate an incident that happened on the last night i spent with him and maybe you can help me with insights? I see you are just exceptionally good at it.

So, once we were done getting intimate and were almost about to crash (actually he was since i hardly got sleep at his place. Might be anxiety? I don’t know), his phone rang. It should be around midnight i suppose since i did not note the time. He loves his sleep and so was in no mood to even acknowledge the phone ringing. It rang again and i insisted he picked since i was curious to know who would be calling him at that point in time. He did take the call after i said although the true caller showed some weird name. It was a woman on the other end trying to fool around by saying they had met at a bar in a different city (city which is nearly 2k miles away) and they had shared their numbers. He said he doesn’t remember and not been to that city for atleast 3years. She kept fooling around (i could hear since i was close next to him) and while he wasn’t rude to her, he did politely shun off saying he doesn’t remember and its too late a night for him to engage in that conversation and would rather prefer sleeping to glory. He did joke around and laugh around a bit in the call. Did not sound flirtatious but more like fun. But this incident just put me off totally. My insecurity shot up and sky rocketed at this point. I did overthink a lot and once he kept the call, he started saying me what the woman on the other end was saying (which i could hear myself) and also pointed out it might be some known friends playing a prank. I went mute after he kept the call since i was into my own world of thoughts. He tried asking me very politely why am i being angry and annoyed when i was the one who asked him to take the call. He tried consoling me by giving me a warm hug but i just was mute and cold and also argued a bit. He then said he is an artist (he plays music as hobby and is really good at it) and he gets to meet a lot of people and that’s just part of how it is and there is no reason for me to be so doubtful of. I just wasn’t out of it but then just slept.

The next morning, we made out as we woke up. And then he would just sleep on my shoulders saying its pure peace (he used to say that often whenever he rested his head on my shoulders). We have a nice quiet time for 20mins and then i book a cab to get back home so i can go to work. All this while i was still not out of anxiety and insecurity that shot up the previous night. My cab had arrived and i just got up, kissed his cheeks, he tried pulling me for a hug but i pulled myself back and just left. I did not talk a word. That’s exactly how it ended.

Apologies for making it this lengthy. I am actually looking for help to break this pattern. Pattern of getting stood up on while everything looks normal and good. At this point i am feeling extremely lonely and hopeless. Honestly i no longer believe i would meet someone who would stay by.

GL- Yes, I am panicking big time. And all you said is true. I am still trying to prove him right in my head and find fault with my doings during the course of my time spent with him. I am over analyzing the conversations we had just to prove myself wrong. I know it’s not healthy. I know this isn’t gonna solve things for me. But I am doing it. Infact I have been spending the last few nights rewinding & replaying the entire scene of what happened when I was with him. Not just that, I have also been visualizing how and what our future meet ups should look like- although I know there’s no future. While I understand all that I’m doing is only bringing me more pain and is not helping me in anyway, I am unable to stop these thoughts and imaginary world i am painting.

On calming myself down- I am trying. I had to visit my family for a week and I’m with them from 4 days now. I have been spending time with them, watching movies together, running a lot of errands and all of it. But my mind is all into this guy. Not for a micro second my thoughts are diverted from him- irrespective of what i am doing and that is draining me completely. That’s exactly why i want to take up a hobby (which i don’t have) that would keep me motivated and boost my self esteem. But i don’t find myself interested in doing anything.

I went through his facebook profile & feeling super low since then. He is much of a traveler and i see he has been travelling around in the last couple weeks. The thought that i’ve not crossed his thought for a minute in the last many days is making me utterly anxious and sad. While i am supposed to get better with each passing day, i see that it is getting worse with every other day. I am a complete mess!

Anita- Thanks for writing it down so clearly. If his intention was nothing beyond sex, why did he keep saying that if all he wanted sex, it would be much simpler and he didn’t have to bring me home for that. On one of those nights, when we were getting intimate, he asked – “how can you not want something so beautiful?” (he meant the sex). To which I replied, I cannot until I am into something meaningful and serious. To which he responded- Like something really serious? That takes time. And physical intimacy is something that would take things to next level, which I did not agree to. Basically my questions are:

1. Why was he not clear with his intentions with me? When I said, I am looking for something meaningful, why did he not step back & raise his hand?

2. What changed things overnight? In the very beginning while he attempted to reach me and talk, it just stopped abruptly until I would reach out. Why?

3. Alright, may be it was all in my head and he was clear in his head about what he wanted. Even in that case, we did share lot of intimacy. As mutual respect, should this not end on a nicer note rather than just ghosting? I literally feel like a whore except that I wasn’t paid.

Please help me know if I should reach out to him just for closure. My rational mind does know it will further bring down my self esteem. But my urge for closure is shooting up with every passing day.