April 14, 2019 at 9:03 pm #289057
Hi. To start with, I am completely an anxious attachment style 30 year old woman. Have been single for long. I have tried dating men in the past to find being ghosted. Like one day they are just gone.
Recently a month ago, I met a man in a club. I was with my female friend having a good time. This man was on his own, stroke a conversation and we clicked (atleast I thought so). However, I was anxious that it was nothing more than a casual fling for him. However, we wound up the night at the bar exchanging numbers. The next day he did call in the morning. And we met for a quick drive the same evening. And we did make out. Honestly, I do not get physical with men I am not in a relationship with. The casual intimacy just doesn’t work with me. But I don’t know what this was, hormonal rush or the spark or I don’t know, I just fell for it. We did not have sex but did get a lot physical for the first drive. After this, the next time we met at his place and again it was all physical. All through I would let him know that I am not looking for anything casual. And would ask him if he’s fooling around & he would just say that he doesn’t have to do all this if he just had to fool around and I somehow just did not want to lose on the moment. Again, did nit have sex since I was reluctant. While he pretty much wanted to. So he did mention I am a turn off. I spent the night with him, slept over at his place. The next day soon after I left his place he called me to check if I was home. After that there was no communication from his side. A day later given my anxiety I started texting & asking if everything’s ok & why is he al so silent. He sounded cold and would just not say anyting except that he’s busy & would get back in the evening. He did call in the evening and asked me to come over to his place. Although I wanted to meet him OUTSIDE of his place and have a real conversation. But he insisted that we would have few drinks at home, have dinner at home & I could not resist the idea (although I really wanted something more than just physical). I went over & again we got physical. The same things repeat. He wanted sex, I did not, he again said I am a turn off. But then cuddled and slept. The next day, I left his place & then there’s absolutely no contacts from his side. 2 days later after a lot of anxiety, frustration and self-doubt, I texted him. He was pretty normal and called me back. As if nothing happened. I mean I could not make out what exactly was this. I felt hanging.
A week later we again met. I insisted that we meet outside for dinner, but again he caught me into coming to his place & I eventually agreed since I really was into him & did not want to lose an opportunity to spend time. The same happened that night. I left the next morning not feeling very good. Throughout the entire period I saw no attempt whatsoever from his side to strike a real conversation or to know about me, or meet me outside. All this running on my mind, I thought I should just see if this means anything at all to him. It’s been 12days today, absolutely no contacts. Neither did I nor did he. But it hasn’t been anything other than a struggle for me since then. Please help me know what I should do. I really like him & was super comfortable with him. But I did not see any attempts from his side although he was good while I was with him. But I am definitely more than my body and was clear from the start that I ain’t looking for anything just meaningless. Although it takes time for things to evolve, there’s got to be an attempt from both sides to see if things can work out. Which was missing from his side is what I feel. I am at a point where my urge to contact is at the peak but I would not want to make myself feel all the more lesser. Please advise what I should be doing.April 15, 2019 at 5:24 am #289089
Respect yourself first.
That is the only way you will find a man that respects you.
He is playing you. He is not interested in a relationship.
Advice? Run in the opposite direction as fast as you can and love yourself enough to not tolerate this type of behaviour ever again.April 15, 2019 at 8:59 am #289117
I agree with Azu. I think he should have respected that you wanted to take it slow and get to know him, but he seems really persistent to go against what you’ve asked.
Don’t feel pressured to change it question your morals
Kind regardsApril 15, 2019 at 9:48 am #289123
It sounds like he was trying to wear you down after the 12,345,678 time he lured you into his place to drink/eat/cuddle.
Saying to someone that she is a turn off because she doesn’t want to have sex is a turnoff. This man is not a rocket scientist.
And then INSISTING (on multiple occasions) that you have to come inside and they won’t go outside is just boundary busting, clear and simple.
Well, he has found out that you are NOT an easy lay, and that he will have to work to get you. The fact that he hasn’t is proof enough that he is not worthy of you. (Not the other way around, which is what your weasel brains would want you to think.)
No need for texting or calling,
InkyApril 15, 2019 at 10:42 am #289141
You wrote: “I am definitely more than my body”- you have thoughts and feelings, values, likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams. He values none of these things about you, only your body. So when you were “clear from the start that I ain’t looking for anything just meaningless”- it meant nothing to him. It didn’t matter. He was okay with your body being in his place as long as you left your thoughts and feelings outside his door.
It doesn’t feel good, does it. Better not seek more of that, better not contact him not today, not ever.
anitaApril 16, 2019 at 7:30 pm #289377
Dear All- Thanks much for all the responses. Much needed one. Although my rational mind understands that all of this was just a façade, I am still not able to get out of it and concentrate. I have this crippling feeling all through the day. I am struggling to get up from bed and run errands. And this is mainly because of my longing for closure. I have never really got a closure in any of my previous relationships and that is the primary reason for me being where I am. I want to make sure its dead before I could bury it. I have so many questions & got answers to none. Can you please help me know what do I do? Its getting really hard for me to move on or even do regular activities. I have been into depression for a good number of years and I have absolutely no idea what to do at this point in time.April 17, 2019 at 8:23 am #289433
You wrote that you are longing for closure, “I want to make sure it’s dead before I could bury it”- let’s look at this last relationship you had, let’s look at the facts, what happened (the numbers are not necessarily exact, but close enough):
Night 1- you met a man in a club, stroke a conversation and exchanged numbers.
Day 1- he called you in the morning and the two of you met that same evening and made out, “it was all physical”, that is, the two of you had a sexual activity going on. I understand that it didn’t include intercourse, but nonetheless it was sexual.
Day 2 and Night 2- the two of you met at his place and “it was all physical” and you spent the night with him.
Day 3- he called you in the morning to check if you got home safely.
Day 4- you texted him repeatedly “asking if everything’s ok & why is he all so silent”. He said he was busy and will call you in the evening. He called you in the evening asking you to come over to his place.
Night 4- you went over to his place, and “again we got physical”, you cuddled and slept there.
Day 5-You left his place. He doesn’t contact you.
Day 7- after two days of no contact, you texted him and he called you back.
Day 14/night 14- you go to his place and got physical again.
Day 26- no contact since Night 14, twelve days.
My input: if you look at the bare facts, taking out of the situation what you thoughts, looking only at the facts, it is easy to see that his motivation in seeing you was sexual. What kept him seeing you was the sex he did have with you. Again, the fact that you didn’t have sexual intercourse with him does not mean there was no sex between you, there was plenty of it, hours at a time.
Your motivation was love.
Here is your mistake: you thought that because you were “clear from the start that I ain’t looking for anything just meaningless”, that he will respect that. His motivation was sexual, not beyond, so it didn’t matter to him what you said.
I think that you got confused, because you wanted more, you thought that you did have more with him.
But the more was only in your mind, not his.
You wrote: “I have so many questions & got answers to none”- can you list those questions for me?
anitaApril 18, 2019 at 8:20 pm #289675
Anita- Thanks for writing it down so clearly. If his intention was nothing beyond sex, why did he keep saying that if all he wanted sex, it would be much simpler and he didn’t have to bring me home for that. On one of those nights, when we were getting intimate, he asked – “how can you not want something so beautiful?” (he meant the sex). To which I replied, I cannot until I am into something meaningful and serious. To which he responded- Like something really serious? That takes time. And physical intimacy is something that would take things to next level, which I did not agree to. Basically my questions are:
1. Why was he not clear with his intentions with me? When I said, I am looking for something meaningful, why did he not step back & raise his hand?
2. What changed things overnight? In the very beginning while he attempted to reach me and talk, it just stopped abruptly until I would reach out. Why?
3. Alright, may be it was all in my head and he was clear in his head about what he wanted. Even in that case, we did share lot of intimacy. As mutual respect, should this not end on a nicer note rather than just ghosting? I literally feel like a whore except that I wasn’t paid.
Please help me know if I should reach out to him just for closure. My rational mind does know it will further bring down my self esteem. But my urge for closure is shooting up with every passing day.April 19, 2019 at 8:47 am #289753
You are welcome.
“why did he keep saying that if all he wanted sex, it would be much simpler and he didn’t have to bring me home for that”- he said that so to make you feel special about being in his home, honored that he allegedly thinks so highly of you that he will have sex with you ..in his own home! He wanted you to feel honored and to express your gratitude for the honor by having sex with him, in his own home.
1. “Why was he not clear with his intentions with me?”- because of the context. If the context was that you were a prostitute and he was a client, then he would be very clear with his intentions, knowing that what you want is money, and him willing to pay, he will and the deed will be done.
Or if the context was that he advertised an add looking for hookups and you answered, knowing what a hookup is, sex, no relationship, then the intentions would be clear to both parties.
But in the context of you and him, he wants sex, you want a relationship, so he pretends that he wants more than sex, so that you will be hopeful and have sex with him. (It used to be very common for men to lie to women, to tell a woman: I-love-you, I want-to-marry you etc., not meaning any of it, just so that the woman will be wiling to have sex with the man).
“When I said, I am looking for something meaningful, why did he not step back & raise his hand?”- raise his hand and say that he is not looking for something meaningful, is what you meant? If so, he didn’t because he wanted to have sex with you and didn’t want to turn you away from him by telling you his truth.
2. “What changed things overnight? In the very beginning while he attempted to reach me and talk, it just stopped abruptly until I would reach out. Why?”- he probably got busy with something else or someone else, another woman, pursuing another woman. On your end nothing happened, you were not busy with another man, so you wondered why is he not contacting me. On his end, he was busy, otherwise engaged.
3. “we did share lot of intimacy. As mutual respect, should this not end on a nicer note rather than just ghosting?”- you felt emotionally intimate with him, he felt predominantly sexually intimate. There is a difference. I don’t know what you mean by respect: lying to you was not respectful, misleading you was not respectful. Nice that he called you to see that you got home safely, a touch of.. decency in an overall presentation of indecency on his part.
“I literally feel like a whore except that I wasn’t paid”- I agree with your assessment. Better see to it that it doesn’t happen again!
“Please help me know if I should reach out to him just for closure… my urge for closure is shooting up with every passing day”- no, he will not give you closure. Instead he is likely to suggest that you go to his place yet again. Better you don’t contact him, better yet, block him. The closure you need is to see to it that this does not happen again, that you will not be used again this way. For this purpose, I will be glad to continue to communicate with you, post again anytime and I will reply.
anitaApril 19, 2019 at 5:39 pm #289877
You understand that you have an anxious attachment style so relationships are important to you. Having someone as a romantic partner is important to you. But that also makes you desperate for affection that you say ‘yes’ to almost any guy that shows a glimpse of interest in your direction.
From the example of the current guy, as much as you’ve given your stance on relationships while asking him what he wants, you still allow a wide berth of ‘maybes’ for him. Maybe if you kept contacting him, maybe if you kept seeing him, maybe if you kept talking to him, he might eventually developed true interest in you. And that interest might turn into a loud ‘yes’ to becoming a romantic couple. Even when all you’ve done together was food and sex. Even when all he has shone interest in was bedding you. Though you were vocal about what you wanted, you also let your actions overrode those expectations into ‘maybes’. And he saw that and kept pushing because he understood that you wanted his affection and affirmation and approval. You wanted a relationship, only you didn’t firmly push back when he gave signals that he only wanted the physical.
Now, for every immature person that have ghosted you, those numbers had picked at your insecurity. And insecurity has a funny way of making you feel inferior and a lesser-than-person. Insecurity also has a way of making you believe that your worth is decided by what someone tells you are worth. So when those people ghosted you without even a text telling you it wasn’t meant to be, it’s left you befuddled and feeling that maybe you weren’t valuable enough for that person to like you. Then you start to question your worth which lead you to start liking yourself a little less than you did before. That person did ghost you so that must mean that you did something wrong, right? And that’s where the need for closure comes in. You want to know what you did wrong, you want to know what’s wrong with you?
Yet, even knowing the answer won’t do much other than say that the relationship just won’t happen.
Those people who ghosted you made a decision that they didn’t see the relationship going anywhere, but not wanting to take responsibility to end things, they went radio silent. Their decisions had nothing to do with you. The chemistry just wasn’t there and you really can’t fake chemistry so they left. But you took that personally to mean that there was something wrong with you so you want to know ‘why’. If you knew, maybe you could fix it. But that doesn’t get you far.
Rather, don’t ask yourself what you did wrong, ask what didn’t the two of you have together? Ask if that person is someone you can really shout ‘yes’ to. Is that person even happy talking to you? Ask if that person even likes you. Do you even like him? Ask if that person is someone who does respect your boundaries, your nos and your want/needs. Ask if that person has chemistry and compatibility with you. Be more picky about who you choose to be intimate with.
Don’t fear that there is no one out there for you, fear that you can’t choose from the ones that are attractive and is whole-heartedly into you.April 19, 2019 at 8:27 pm #289879
Anita- Again, thanks much for taking all the time to explain things. While plain truth does hurt, your explanation only made things all the more clearer to me. Could you please advise how do i just get out from the state i currently am in? I wish there was a switch to shut down all the thought! My depression over the years have left me with no hobbies and i hardly have interest in anything. I do have a very well paying job and i like my work- keeps me sane, fed and occupied. But apart from that, there’s absolutely nothing i look forward to. Where do i start from? i really don’t want myself to be in the same place ever again. I want to be absolutely unaffected and independent emotionally. Anything you could advise?
Hi GL- Thank you very much for your kind words. You are right in saying that i take all the responsibility of any bad in a relationship. Its much easier to take it all on myself- it happened with me ‘cos i let it happen so yes, i blame it all on myself. On the ghosting- what just leaves me in bits is the fact that the last conversation before the ghosting used to be all so normal. So it gets me pondering as to what went wrong where. What exactly did i do wrong which made him do this & i keep ruminating over it. I still feel ghosting is just absolutely immature, cowardly & disrespectful. And you rightly said that i fear that no one’s out there for me. Its a shitty feeling and i really want to overcome that. I had silently suffered in almost every aspect and had come out strong except for when a man is involved. And yes it brings shame to me.April 20, 2019 at 5:47 am #289903
I went through his facebook profile & feeling super low since then. He is much of a traveler and i see he has been travelling around in the last couple weeks. The thought that i’ve not crossed his thought for a minute in the last many days is making me utterly anxious and sad. While i am supposed to get better with each passing day, i see that it is getting worse with every other day. I am a complete mess!April 20, 2019 at 8:31 am #289921
Regarding your first recent post: you are welcome. “I do have a very well paying job and I like my work- keeps me sane, fed and occupied. But apart from that, there’s absolutely nothing I look forward to. Where do I start from?”-
-start from your core beliefs that if something is not right in a relationship, it must be your fault, that there is something wrong with you. What is the origin of this belief, when did you feel that way for the first time?
Regarding your most recent post: you went through his Facebook profile most recently and saw that he travelled in the last couple of weeks. “The thought that I’ve not crossed his thought for a minute in the last many days is making me utterly anxious and sad”-
If he did think about you in the last couple of weeks, what thoughts do you imagine these would be?
anitaApril 20, 2019 at 8:00 pm #290009
You’re panicking, RJG.
You understand that it’s unhealthy to place heavy expectations on other people hoping for them to validate the fact that you are not unlovable, but that doesn’t mean that you accepted that for yourself. Right now, you’ve placed heavy expectations on this guy that you’ve been to bed with due to the single fact that you went to bed with him. He slept with you so that must mean that he wants to date, right? Nope. All he’s been telling you is that he only wanted physical pleasure. Even now, he’s moved on with his life. But you are using him to torment yourself.
You stalk his Facebook. You think about his non-replies. You think about how he might be a ‘good person’ who didn’t want you. You are making this a personal agenda in that he’s not thinking about you. So that wounded your ego and your pride and now you feel despondent because he is making it clear that he only wanted your body. That hurts. But you’re the one choosing not let go. You are choosing to highlight the fact that he is not thinking of you into a bad thing.
You are over-thinking this, which led to you panicking over the fact that he does not care.
Find a way to calm down. Take deep breaths, take a walk or take your car somewhere. Bake a cake, watch a movie, hike a trail, play loud music and dance to it wildly, stargaze, eat something nice, take a bath, paint, go to a batting cage, do something. But don’t do anything related to that person, not until you have calm down over this situation.
April 20, 2019 at 9:02 pm #290015
- This reply was modified 13 hours, 4 minutes ago by GL.
Anita- My responses:
1. As far as i can remember the first time i blamed it all on myself is when my first boyfriend (and the only) broke up or rather ghosted me. The last time i met him before he ghosted me, we had such a lovely time and all was more than just well. Out of the blue i then found him gone. Absolutely clueless about what happened. We were quite open about our relationship, in the sense that all our friends and even family knew about it. It was all good. So when out of nowhere he left me without giving me a reason, i was devastated. I tried getting in touch with him through all sources. Literally begged him (over texts, emails, voice notes, messengers and what not) to atleast tell me what made him do what he did. But no, i never heard from him. That’s exactly when i started taking it all on myself. After that i had never been in a relationship. I did date a few men but was never physical (except for this last guy) and it did not last long either (mostly ends up me getting ghosted). But the only difference in the process of healing which involved my boyfriend and the other dates is that i silently suffered when it was any man other than my boyfriend. I never let the men i dated see the vulnerable side of mine.
2. Honestly, i think he would have thought that i am no more interested in him or am expecting too much or being too demanding. This is all i think would have crossed his mind had he thought about me.