It was definitely easier the only thing was I got distracted often, will give more news. Thanks Jayjay!

@Peter You know what? I think I often did the same, there were days that I would be in a low mood and I would shout “screw it!” and just worked with no expectations like I didn’t really care if I failed. In those times it went very well and in the end I would be happy with the results and share with others. I take my work too seriously and it is killing my drive, we know that the human body is afraid of discomfort and try to stay away from it. If I’m always afraid and believe making art is a struggle, hard, slow, I’m unmotivated, fear of disappointment and so on… Then there’s just no reason to do it if all it’s to be is pain.

Don’t know about you but I’m a gamer and I love video games. A LOT. I decided to analyze what comes to my mind when I feel like playing something. There’s the excitation, expectations, looking for a challenge, wanting to get better, I play just because I want to and not because I have to.

Now… It’s not always all rainbows I can get quite mad sometimes and swear but I can take a short break and few hours later I return back and feel fresh and new. I enjoy unlocking achievements and they can be very challenging, sometimes you have to start all over when you make a mistake, but I still like it, I find it odd, like why do I want it so badly to get all of them? I could easily make a living by just playing video games all day long because I’m good at it and been doing it since I was like 5 but I would prefer to create them and share with the world and inspire.

@nycartis  I do have things that interest me that I would like to try but I fear that people will judge me or see me in a weird way. I know I shouldn’t care because it’s my life after all but I don’t know… It’s related to sex, fantasy, kinks, that sort of thing. I’m still looking for a type of art that I could easily enjoy everyday.

Still procrastinating :/ I felt like it helped but I think there’s something else. This is really annoying. Will try small tasks first maybe I’m too hard on myself.

I am about to start! Thank you for everything and the excellent support! I am excited to see how it will turn out 🙂

I’m doing much better, I don’t have any loved ones or professionals, and even if I did I can’t afford. I want to work for myself which takes a bit of time. I kept myself busy these pass days and stopped worrying as much and I was able to sleep better and have less symptoms. Today is a new day and I made two little projects I want to finish, it’s going to be fun.

Thank you for being concerned for me and wishing me the best, I truly wish you the same. If you want more news from me let me know, take care!

Dear anita:

What I was saying is that when I was little I had bad experiences and I think that these made me fear of throwing up, but in 2015 it happened again but without warning and it went so fast. And then I said it’s making more sense now why I get so scared of it, thinking it will be another bad experience, in my mind I make scary scenarios and it often feels so real and I over exaggerate things. The more I stress myself over this the worst the symptoms gets, and it affects my belly too and with time I developed IBS and I struggle with it daily. Not fun at all…

Thanks Peter, anita, Mark, L, and Grant for everything. It helps and I thought that it was beautiful and at the same time I struggled a bit to accept reality. There’s no point to fight it I can’t control anything so I will let it do his job and do the best I can to be in peace. At the moment I have a bit of nausea and cramps in my stomach due to anxiety and other symptoms like cold hands, head tension, body all tensed, heart rate higher, chills and a couple more. I really hate it and tired to suffer, my biggest fear for now is the emetophobia I created because of an unexpected experience three years ago.

Skip this part if not interested to know.

I was trying to sleep but couldn’t I kept burping and feeling hot, bit dizzy and all off, not sure if it was food poisoning or a flu but I was in my bed staring the ceiling with the light on and the fan spinning and suddenly my body gave like an alarm telling me to stand up and run for a bucket and I succeed but barely, it happened so fast and my mother heard it and I felt ashamed and helpless and scared because I kinda forgot how to do it, it has been years and I rarely get sick, but it was automatic but not sure if it was simply luck. I fear that it will happen again and I will choke or my throat will burn the taste will be horrible and I will lose my mind etc. I wish that I had someone I could hug and let all the negativity out honestly 🙁

Anyways I know it is my choice and I can do something about it. I just wanted to say that it makes me feel less alone and I’m glad you’ve all took the time to respond to me and helping me, love you all. I will get some sleep I’m exhausted.