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Sam

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  • in reply to: A Confession and A Decision #36198
    Sam
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    Hey Josh,

    I could write so much on this – but I suspect you won’t like what I have to say. However I have been, more or less, exactly where you are now. Let me ask you some questions – which really I think you should ask yourself:

    1) Why are you in this relationship? Do you wake up each day and say “I am glad I am in this relationship”?

    2) Why was she depressed in the first place? Were you her “knight in shining armor”? Does she blame her previous boyfriends? If you leave, will she blame herself or you?

    3) Have you changed your behavior, or do you lie to family and friends, because you are afraid of how she might react or what she might do?

    I suspect I know the answers – and none of it is good. Healthy relationships involve positive behaviors which are designed to make you BOTH more complete people, reinforce each other’s self-esteem, involve openness, joint decision making, build trust and . They do not involve negative behaviors such as constant criticism or playing on guilt and obligation (“I am so depressed” “everyone else just leaves me”), which are actually a form of emotional abuse.

    4) Finally, why are you even talking about the “high school girl”. Clearly you care for her or you wouldn’t talk so much about her. Why did you leave her for the other girl? Excitement, more beautiful, her vulnerability ??

    I suggest you take a look at a couple of web-sites on borderline personality disorder. I am not saying your girlfriend is a sufferer (though my ex was) but she sounds like she is exhibiting BPD-like behavior. My advice would be to very seriously considering ending it – ultimately you are not responsible for her problems. It is going to be difficult, and emotionally wrenching and you will probably need real time before you are ready for another relationship. And yes, the confusion you describe is quite normal.

    http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm

    http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/

    http://www.shrink4men.com/2013/04/30/obsessing-over-an-abusive-ex-thoughts-on-being-stuck/

    Good luck. Let us know how you get on.

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