Thank you Anita.

What is on my mind is wanting validation, an apology and closure. I know this will never come.

He always picked at me. Mostly for very small things. His grievances would be things like I didn’t use pet names enough or I would be too focused when I was working/reading/gaming and sometimes wouldn’t hear him speaking to me.

I can be playful and silly. There was an evening where he had bought some crisps that I really liked and I had a bowl in front of me. When he went to the bathroom, I hid them and pretended I had eaten them all. Obviously, it was a joke and got them out from where I had hidden them.

Two days later, when he was picking at me he said “and you’re SO selfish. Look how you ate all the crisps the other day”. I had to remind him how that was a prank and I had hidden them, not eaten them and we both ate them. He didn’t apologise for calling me selfish, he didn’t even acknowledge that what I had said happened.

Most weekends I would travel to his city because he never really wanted to spend much time in my city. On one occasion he was coming over to my house to see me and I asked if there was anything he would like me to get from the store. He said “wow, that’s so kind. You’re really changing, you’ve never done anything like this before”.

Every weekend I went to his house, bought groceries, cooked and cleaned. I made breakfast, lunch and dinner. What’s more is every time he had come over to mind, I prepared food for him as well.

When I tried to explain that I ALWAY do things like this he then went onto say “well, what do you do for me other than cook?”.

I had to listen to him tell me how bad my behaviour was and how I didn’t support him. He told me I didn’t support his business idea and I said that we talk at length about it and I’ve offered to help with packaging and shipping. His response was “well what’s my 5 year plan?”. I’m not a business owner. I don’t know about 5 year plans so I didn’t know to ask.

He then started quizzing me about how much I knew him and started testing me.

This was not a one off. I was always in the wrong. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, nothing made a difference. I was always an awful selfish girl.

He worked freelance. When he had work, he was a different person. He was happier and more pleasant. He was also more open to me talking about how I was feeling. Unfortunately, due to putting his reputation to ruin, he stopped getting as much work and now hardly works at all. He hardly worked from August 2023 onwards.

He drank a lot, didn’t sleep much and I have reason to believe he was taking drugs. He was also unfaithful. I know writing this, I deserve much better.

If I didn’t laugh at his jokes, he got angry at me. He told me I was insulting his intelligence, he specifically said I did it ten times a day. Yet he could make fun of me and I was not allowed to complain. Sometimes he used to look at me and start laughing at me and he wouldn’t tell me why.

When I tried to speak up about things that were upsetting me, he would turn it back around on me and tell me I was ungrateful. I told him he had upset me and his response was “what about your garden?”, he has recently helped me with gardening. I tried to explain that helping me does not then give you a pass to be mean to me.

I tried to go with the angle of, me asking him what was on his mind and stressing him because he hasn’t seemed ok and seemed to be taking things out on me. He wouldn’t talk.

It continued with the same narrative – I am a liar. I am a manipulator. He told me he valued honesty and he had to make allowances for how much I lie. He told me I had to stop lying about who I am and stop lying about being good at things. He told me I was not normal. He told me I was dark inside. He told me that I need to let people in be so guarded.

I started recording when we would argue so I could listen back to the parts where I was supposedly lying so that I could improve and not do it anymore. I was so convinced that I was the problem that I wasn’t expecting to listen back and realise I was being gaslit. It was harrowing listening to the recording because he was cruel to me. I would be trying to explain calmly why other was hurting me and it was twisted to be my own fault. Never apologising to me.

What I am struggling with is how could someone be so cruel yet so unaware of what they were doing? How could he justify treating me like this?

What I’ve told you is just the tip of the iceberg. It was always like this. I got in trouble because I once accidentally said a burger I was eating had gone cold. I’ve not even really touched on how my body was his and his to have whenever he wanted.

The relationship was exhausting and upsetting. I asked for an apology. I tried to explain how things felt for me. I never got an apology.

I want to have a peaceful and loving life. I want to love my new boyfriend. I trust him. It’s easy to trust him because my instincts are not alarming. My gut KNOWS he is a good person.

I just feel stuck at the moment. Stuck wanting closure from the past.

Thank you for reading.

Sammie

Hi Anita and Helcat

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Helcat, I had therapy last year and then having therapy at the moment again to support me through this difficult time.

My identity has been shaken. One of the things he did was pick apart who I was and the parts of me that I think are special, he said where “the brand”. He said I needed to stop lying all the time about who I am and about being good at things. My self confidence was treated as something to be shamed for.

I’m a dancer and perform on stage and I have to have that belief in myself and my capabilities otherwise stage fright takes over. I’ve done a solo performance recently. Contemporary dance that ties in the emotions of the stages of grief and I’ve been so proud of what I’ve achieved.

Then his voice crept into the back of my head. Stop lying about being good at things. I’ve been asked to create a new routine and perform another show. And I’ve got the fear that I am merely “the brand”.

My therapy at the moment is focusing on switching the narrative away from the things this awful man said to me and instead focusing on my self confidence.

Anita, thank you for your words. I’ve written my story as I can remember it, my words were unedited, free flowing from my mind.

Your words have validated me. For so long I’ve been treated like I’ve been making a fuss over nothing. My instincts were to stay away but I was told otherwise by people who had not witnessed what I had.

You’re absolutely right, he was a monster from the start. He had an agenda when he took me to his apartment. My safety or comfort was not a priority.

The two versions of my life: the one where I feel grey, controlled, attacked. Or the one where I am surrounded by people I love and who love me back, in a supportive and warm environment.

I’ve been upset today. It’s hard sometimes with my new boyfriend because his kind words and support can be jarring and can catch me off guard. Then when I think humans can be so nice so why are there humans who can be so cruel?

Change the narrative, I found the strength to stand up for myself and I’ve moved forward to a better life. I don’t feel scared anymore. I don’t feel anxious. From time to time, I feel sad like today about what has happened to me. Eventually, that will be a distant memory.

Thank you for being here.

Sammie

Hi Tee

Thank you so much for your time and your guidance. Wishing you all the best also.

I’ll check back again with my progress!

Forever grateful

Sammie

🙂

Hello Tee

Thank you for the insight. I’ve just read up on covert narcissism and he does fit the traits. I had always assumed narcissist were charismatic and obviously manipulative. I can see that covert narcissists are different to what we typically think a narcissist is.

You asked if I was scared of physical abuse. I wasn’t scared of this, I was very scared of emotional abuse and him being cold to me. He would hide his emotions so I was afraid of what he could be like if angered but never actually saw him angry.

I feel anger sometimes but mostly I’m in disbelief. I’d say I can’t believe that it came so out of the blue but at the same time, it doesn’t surprise me. What did surprise me is leaving me when I was still poorly and needing hospital treatment after miscarriage complications. That was a level of low I could not have predicted.

I am bitter because I know he doesn’t suffer. Everyone else suffers instead. He rips through peoples lives like a natural disaster. I am trying to work on letting this go but the unfairness of it gets to me.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I will be having therapy next week so will start to feel the anger, like you say.

</p>
I don’t have any social media so it’s difficult for him to contact me. I don’t think he will be back for his narcissistic supply though anyway. He used to put me down in so many ways .. my job, the house I own, the way I live my life.. so if you say he put me down because he was envious or he felt I was “better” than him, he probably won’t get an ego boost from me now.

I just long for the day where I can look back at all this and think “wow, he was terrible. I can’t believe I was actually upset over that”

Thanks so much! Have a great day.

Hello Sarah & Tee

Thanks for your advice, Sarah. I shall write this list. That is a very good suggestion.

Tee, with the denial of pregnancy, I was terrified of telling him. I thought he would leave immediately. I’ve never been as stressed as I was with him and I carry guilt in thinking that perhaps this is what caused the miscarriage. I was afraid he wouldn’t be there for me and he proved me to be correct when he disappeared when I was in hospital. There were complications which made me very unwell. I was in hospital while he was in Thailand.

As for being physically abusive, it felt more like degrading me. I’m petite and very small and he was 6ft tall and stocky build. I would do a little hip bump to be playful but then he would shove me with no regard to the size difference. He once pushed me into the refrigerator and held me there by the back of my head, unable to move. I didn’t like this. I’m not sure why he pushed me into the refrigerator like this but it felt degrading.

What you have said about trauma bonding has really helped. At the moment I’m trying to understand why my brain is acting in the way it is. I’m a scientist for my job and understanding things like trauma bonding is very helpful.

In terms of previous men. Some have been fantastic, caring and respectful. My last good relationship ending because we wanted different things from life. I have an ex husband who ended up being unfaithful but it ended amicably. We were very young when we met and it just ran its course. His error in judgement was not a reflection of the decade I spent with him. Most of the relationship was very good.

My biggest issue at the moment is the dissonance in my head between thinking I’m a failure if I don’t have a partner and what I actually want, which is time for me. I think women have a lot of pressure to be in a relationship. I’m often asked “but how are you single?” and this makes me feel like I’m the odd one out.

When I am well, I am self sufficient. I own my house, travel by myself and generally don’t have any problems making new friends.

I have been on some dates and I panic before going out. Then panic if they come near me. However, if I’m meeting male or female friends, I’m absolutely fine.

I would like the option of being able to meet someone when I am ready but at the moment I see the damage that my last relationship has caused. It is currently preventing me from having a future with someone new. I’m not sure how to get past this fear of men when they are potential romantic partners.

Again, I’m so grateful to you for responding and helping me. All of you are a life line. Thank you 🙂

Hello Helcat

Thank you for getting back to me.

I’m doing a lot of self care. I used to cry in my car every morning back in January and my friend pointed out that I’ve not done that in months. I am crying less.

I’m just so disappointed that someone who meant the world to me would change his mind so suddenly. Three weeks before he left me, he declared his feelings for me. If we had arguments and problems I would have understood. But he was the one that was always difficult and I was always trying to be understanding.

I don’t want this on my mind anymore but I’m stuck in a loop of confusion and it is preventing me from moving forward. 🙁

Sammie