Thank you both so so much for taking the time to reply to me and for your wise advice. I will definitely take on board your suggestions. I especially like your suggestion, Roberta, of if we were to meet, an outside space like a park could be helpful. I think I always just suggested that we would call to hers, so I could get up and leave whenever I wanted and not have to wait around for a meal / coffee to finish. She definitely does suffer from memory loss, I think each mental episode she has had has damaged her sense of being tuned in to the real world. The friends and acquaintances she has now, she has mainly met through mental health services. These people are (understandably) on her side and encourage her to reach out to me so she can see me and her grandchild. However they are absolutely unaware of the horrendous trauma her children suffered. They just see her as a woman who’s daughter doesn’t make much of an effort with her. This also affects me as I’ve even had a friend of hers reach out to me to tell me about how often she sees her own grandchildren and that my mother loves my daughter and wants to see her more often. This frustrates me (and I guess this is definitely a personal issue that probably stems from childhood, where I get annoyed that her people think I’m the one in the wrong)

Tee, I’m sorry you had to deal with similar issues with your own mother. As a mother myself I cannot in a billion years fathom how a woman could cause their own child to suffer. It physically hurts to think of my own daughter going through even a fraction of that pain. I have gone to therapy a number of times in the past, most recently it finished due to covid restrictions in 2020. I do agree that perhaps I need to learn how to deal with the way I react, rather than expect her to suddenly have a lightbulb moment (or to get OJ from a cow!) as this is realistically never going to happen. Recently I feel like I am almost mourning the nurturing mother I never had, and so resentful of the one I do have.

Even writing my feelings in this post is awakening a lot – so I think writing a letter is a good start. I actually did this before and although she acknowledged it at the time, it didn’t really change anything in the long run. But circumstances are different now and I guess there’s no harm writing another one. It’s just hard to know what I should suggest – that we don’t see each other at all? That we only see each other when I feel strong enough? I don’t really know where to draw the line. I forgot to say she lives quite close to me – less than 10 min drive. So I can’t use distance as a reason.

Hi Jes,

Thank you so much for checking in with me! 🙂 Following the last meeting there was not much change, no major contact/outreaching from her. My boyfriend requested another meeting with her to discuss her outburst against me, where again she remained negative, turning every question back on him and criticising him, down to the way he looked!! He said he asked her out straight what her problem was with me and she could not give any fair or reasonable straight answer. It again did not really end with any conclusion. He met his Dad after who advised him to stop trying to ask her to change or get an apology from her, that it wont happen, that he needs to concentrate on his life and his relationship with me and our future. It was refreshing to hear his father’s point of view. I guess we both learned from this advice to stop trying to seek closure from her, rather to attain peace through ourselves and our relationship together. Its definately a new experience for me, as I always would have seeked closure directly from the person that there was an issue with (which in itself was rare as I do not come across many instinces of conflict in my day to day life.)

I guess we both realise that she wont change, she wont do what we seek and apologise for her actions. I do in a way feel like realising this has almost lifted a weight from me, stupid as it sounds. We wont let her cause conflict between us or seep into our happiness like poison. I’m happy that my relationship with his parents is good and his with my family is great also. I’m also thankful that he wont listen to her negativity and sees me for the person I am, and not the person she would like me to be!!

I hope you are keeping well and living in harmony, besides having the burden of a negative sister in law also! xx

Thank you PeaceLoveJes for taking the time to give me your advice. It is now nearly 3 weeks and neither of us has heard from her, but this has resulted in my having no choice but to try let the situation go. I suppose the fact that I have not had the opportunity to speak to her (not by choice) has allowed my anger to subside a bit and see the bigger picture.
I agree that letting your anger get the better of you does you no good, and you only hurt yourself by holding resentment.
I will research Thich Nhat Hanh’s books, as I (and my boyfriend) believe it is important to live a peaceful life. I am very thankful that all of my immediate relationships are happy and peaceful and maybe this incident made me appreciate that more. It worries me that unfortunately I will have to see her at future events, including an upcoming wedding, but I suppose the advantage I have is that her parents are totally aware of the situation and that I did nothing wrong, and have been nothing but accepting to me. And I know that worrying will never change any situation’s outcome.