Hi Alyssa! I think you are so brave and strong for getting out of that toxic relationship and making that move back to your home, as hard as it is for you. I agree with Inky that I think you should stay single for a while – lean on friends (try to make new friends when you are feeling better), learn to love yourself again and believe in the inner-strength that you have (and have shown). You will get through this and make a new start for yourself – it is an opportunity to embrace and re-create and rediscover yourself now that you are apart from the toxicity. I hope you can find work to help keep you afloat financially until you know what it is you want to do for your next step.

Also – please be kind to yourself in that you may be experiencing some depression and post-trauma from your relationship ending – you have a lot to come to terms with now that you are separated from the situation in which you spent your life in for the past 5 years. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help if you find the moments of pain and overwhelming too much. When my marriage ended at 25, I became ‘severely’ depressed due to the changes I found my life in, starting again etc. So be kind to yourself and remember it’s okay – you’re doing the best you can at the moment. I wish you all the best x

“Remember how far you have come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be”.

“BREATHE. It’s Okay. You’re going to be okay. Just breathe. Breathe, and remind yourself of all the times in your life you felt this overwhelmed. All of the times you felt this level of pain. And remind yourself how much each time, you MADE IT THROUGH. Life has thrown so much at you, and despite how difficult things have been, you’ve survived. Breathe and trust that you can survive this too. Trust that this struggle is a part of the process. and that as long as you don’t give up and keep pushing forward, no matter how hopeless things seem, you will make it.”

• This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Sarah.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Sarah.

From my own experience (I’m 27, divorced at 25), I wouldn’t marry someone (again) if I had any reservations about the relationship or had to make massive sacrifices of myself to be with them. It drained me of so much, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially to always be the one to compromise for someone else’s career/dreams etc. I should have listened to my gut when I had reservations about getting married in the first place, but I guess that’s hindsight for you!

I have been a bit of a similar situation recently with my current relationship- long story short, I moved back to my home state for 8 months to get my head into order and figure out what I wanted from life/my relationship before deciding whether or not to move back to be with him – away from family/friends/my home. I did choose to come back, and am still feeling out the situation, but had to be okay with all aspects of the potential situation (including if we break up – what will I do with myself in a city/state on my own etc.) before I could do it. Our relationship is fortunately stronger than ever (it’s had its bumps though) but the compromise so far seems to be paying off. It was a long process to get to this point though and a lot of communication was needed, and I didn’t want to ‘lose myself’ and what I hold as important, in the process.

I guess I’m just saying – you’re young, you are unsure, don’t rush into something you’re not ready for or certain of. There is no rush, nor should you give up what you hold important to yourself, for someone else. (I think it is impressive that you have a strong sense of self and what you value in yourself and others :)).

Good luck in your decisions.

Hi musingman23! I think you’re taking a great step already towards overcoming/controlling your anxiety by seeking out help – it took me years of feeling the desperation that can come with anxiety/depression before I even knew to start looking for answers.

I also would agree that the end of your relationship would be a definite trigger for your anxiety/panic attacks. Such a big life change going from a stable relationship that has taken up a proportion of your life, to not having that person, that life, that relationship anymore. I, too, had a 10 year relationship end (when 25 years of age) and this was a sure catalyst into depression for me from the generalised anxiety I’d suffered from since I was in primary school.

I’m not a success story necessarily – I’m not cured or ‘fixed’. But I am managing to live every day with my anxiety and not let it control me, and I think to me, that is success. I couldn’t get out of bed or face situations/work etc. many times since leaving school, couldn’t control my physical or emotional symptoms and outbursts or my negative thoughts. I have done cognitive behavioural therapy with a psychologist which I think was great – it gave me some great insight into my own thoughts and behaviours and some coping techniques – yoga and meditation are wonderful tools for controlling anxiety – along with exercise and eating a good diet. I found having ‘worry periods’ an effective tool in the past too – spending 10 or 20 minutes of designated, non-judgmental, uninterrupted time each morning (and night if need be) to journal all thoughts and worries that are rolling around in my head overwhelming me. They’re not there for you to analyse at this stage but to just get your thoughts out onto paper. Then you don’t allow yourself to think of those things again until your next worry period. I found this helped me compartmentalise my thoughts a bit more and get on with my day more productively than letting the thoughts overwhelm me and go about unchecked.

I did succumb 13 months ago to trying medication after many years of saying I would not try anti-depressants, but I couldn’t function anymore or get out of bed without bawling my eyes out at the prospect of another day, with no job (at the time), no structure etc. as my life changed again around me. It can be good to take some things into your control if you feel life is out of control – make some structure in your day and do things that soothe you and put you into control.

The anti-depressants have been amazing for the most part – I have longer periods (days now!) where I do not have anxiety attacks like I used to – where I feel I am in control of my life and actually ENJOY parts of my day and the fact that I am alive (this is a new sensation for me!) So perhaps you could talk to your doctor about trying an anti-depressant – and I only suggest this because it can help with traumatic times of our lives – to give us the added help needed to stabilise ourselves a bit to have the other things work – meditation/exercise/thought training etc.

Anyway, sorry for rambling! I just want you to know, that while like I said, I am not fixed or cured – I accept this, that anxiety is a part of me and my life and I make the conscious choice each day to not let it control me and take away the joy that the day may have in store for me. I hope you can take hope from us and feel this way too.