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  • in reply to: Divorce between Coworkers #41398

    Barbs and Matt, your words gave me the exact pause I needed. Knowing others feel the same pangs and know the same truths comforts me. I’d never considered applying my own “Mama Bear” instincts from my daughter to myself, but it’s a clever and helpful perspective. So thank you.

    I went to visit a priest today, looking for comfort and guidance. What I got was a lecture, essentially, saying that I should not be so concerned with my will (but God’s) and that I should look to take legal action to reverse my divorce.

    That wasn’t very helpful, needless to say, and played right into the abundance of guilt I was already feeling.

    What I really want to focus on recharging for my daughter. I want to bring good to the world however I can. I want to give myself the care I’ve been lacking for so long.

    Do any of you have suggestions of books, websites (or other experiences or advice) regarding self-care or beginner meditation?

    in reply to: Divorce between Coworkers #41354

    Well, to put things simply, he is a bad friend. I don’t mean to be cold saying so. When I would turn to him for support, comfort or advice, he could not provide. A lot of times I’d feel like I was screaming inside, in need of a friend, to be met with silence. There was a lot of neglect – emotionally, but sometimes literally/physically. And when I started to notice the same pattern in the way he treated our daughter, it made me fiercely protective of her.

    I have a very clear image in my mind of her clinging to his legs, howling to be picked up, and he didn’t even hear her voice. He remained glued to his Twitter feed, ignoring her entirely. I remember thinking, “He treats me like that, but he can’t treat her like that.” It was defining.

    I have a distinct trigger of not feeling important to those around me – of feeling voiceless and small. And that feeling echoed back to me in our interactions. It just wasn’t healthy.

    He would see me crying and not ask after me or offer help – in fact, he felt my lack of happiness was my own failing and was quick to say as much. He has trouble prioritizing people in his life, often choosing non-mandatory work functions over the needs of his friends. He can speak coarsely, oblivious to the affects of his words, and finds feelings entirely exhausting, even maddening (including his own).

    And, in fact, as we exited mediation, I asked him out of curiosity, “As a partner, what did you want for my life?” He admitted – and I hope I’m capturing this word for word – “I don’t think of that. Really, I don’t think of you.” It was like he realized it all at once.

    This all seems so small in the face of people met with abuse and addiction. I just knew that when I needed someone, it could not be him. I wanted to matter.

    in reply to: Divorce between Coworkers #41350

    I haven’t been able to be that kind yet.

    I know it is better for my daughter to see her Mommy active and affectionate, versus spending 14 hours each night asleep on the couch. I know that it’s better claiming truth versus hiding behind a smile. I know there are people who love me.

    But the self-compassion – it’s hard, and I’d like to remember I’m not this awful being, this force of pain…

    I could use some perspective if anyone can offer any.

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