Sarah,

Its no small wonder you needed out of that relationship. You were experiencing a very twisted form of abuse, neglect, which in both intimacy and parenting is often much more damaging than physical or sexual forms of violence. With more apparent forms of abuse, there is a specific action that can be pinpointed as the moment of assault. With neglect, there is a sense that we “just don’t matter” or “just aren’t important” to our partner, and eventually ourselves.

That you so clearly saw it is beautiful, and speaks highly of your wisdom and empathy! You were crying on the couch and he ignored it? He said he never thinks about you? That’s neither normal, healthy for an intimacy, or anything that has to do with you. How could you relate to the back of a head? To a vacant heart? There’s nothing workable there!

It brings to heart the Buddhist description of a “hungry ghost”. The picture painted is a being with a tiny mouth and a big belly. They bounce from thing to thing, eating what they can, but the mouth is so small and the belly so big, each bite just makes them more hungry. Your ex-husband reminds me of that, where he went from cookie to cookie (or twitter post to porn movie to news feed and on and on) without being open to what was actually around him, so he seeks new stimuli again and again. What a state!

So he sees you on the couch, says “seen that one before, boring. What’s new?” Until he confronts his addiction, there’s little that can be done. Eventually they become desensitized and become ceaselessly bored, and once they get bored of being bored, they can escape.

But how could you wait around for that? He didn’t even think about your happiness, which is fundamental for intimacy. Without that, there is no relationship. Not your fault. You’re not the one that ended it, his neglect did a loooong time ago. You poured into him over and over with nothing in return. That you held on so long is remarkable, and a testament to your dedication.

And your stubbornness. 🙂 However, it troubles me that you would say “you can do that to me, but not to our daughter.” You owe it to your heart and your daughter not to let people do that to either one of you! Perhaps some of the feeling of “I don’t matter” is still churning beneath the surface, perhaps just from being married to him for so long, or even further back. Sometimes we relive relationships that are similar to childhood/adolescence until we overcome the issue.

What a blessing our children are! Sometimes when we don’t love ourselves very much, but love our kids, they inspire us to grow. Your “mama bear” didn’t roar to protect yourself, but did for her. Now that she’s awake, its a good time to turn her inward. Said differently, you know what showing compassion to your daughter looks like, and she is worthy of that compassion. Not because she is pretty, or because she can walk, or because of anything she does… but just because. Because she does. And so do you.

Its easy to think we don’t deserve it because we did this or that, like getting a divorce or flirting before papers were signed, or because others tell us we’re shitty people. If a person came up to your daughter and told her she was unlovable because she’s not potty trained yet… ummm… what might you say to that person? Would you crumple and agree? So why do you when the punch is aimed at you? You deserve to be loved and find happiness, and if someone at the office doesn’t think so, that’s their baggage. Let mamma bear come out and tell them to go stick a pin in their eye and mind their business. Or, how about “I was in love with him, and he was in love with twitter.” You owe no explanation, and can’t control how people think, so why bother trying?

I know you’re beautiful, you know you’re beautiful, your daughter, your friends… the people who look will know. Those who don’t, maybe someday you can help them open up when you’re healed from the ordeal, but until then, protect the tender shoots in your heart, they take time and space to grow.

Speaking of growth, do you take time to self nurture? To protect your daughter’s precious heart, you know that taking care of her needs is essential. To protect your precious heart, taking care of your needs is also essential. Perhaps some soft music, a bubble bath, a walk in nature, sensual clothing, meditation… things that you do for you, just because. Just as you give hugs to your daughter regularly, its important to give “hugs” to yourself as well. Its not just for you, its for her. As you self nurture more regularly, your heart will naturally have more warmth and energy to give to her. You’re both deserving. Namaste, sister, in wish you love and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Sarah,

What I’ve found to be the most nurturing thing to do is listen for the spark of inspiration inside and follow it. For instance, I’ll feel tired and lay down on the couch. After awhile, a little voice says “it’d be nice to… (do the dishes, go meditate, take a bath, go for a walk, go smell some flowers). Immediately, there is also a voice that says “I don’t have the energy for that”. That voice is dumb. The energy of the action is in the action, not something we “spend” beforehand. What keeps the energy flowing is doing things that are good for us.

For instance, nurturing activities, or actions we wish to do that are kind to ourselves, increase our emotional stability. The specifics depend on the person. I like how you’re exploring meditation, here’s one I find to be really awesome:

If a guided meditation isn’t your style, or if your mind is too bouncy to follow along, consider searching YouTube for “ajahn jayasaro counting breaths”. Jayasaro offers a simple activity which can help increase the concentration of our mind. Also, consider checking out a local Buddhist temple. They often have instruction and can help with posture and technique, as well as provide a peaceful environment.

Other self-care activities I enjoy are hot baths, writing on message boards, playing with my kids, soft music, cooking, drawing, exercising, walking in nature, watching heartwarming YouTube videos, and reading. For yourself, it depends on what warms your heart. Everything from painting your toenails to welding metal sculptures… what really matters is that as you do it, the body relaxes, the breath opens, and the mind settles. Too often we try to unwind by feeding our mind other stories, such as watching TV, and its better to let the stories already in there settle than trying to cover one with another. Just my opinion.

Finally, don’t worry if you don’t just “have” self compassion. Love is action… and so as you give yourself the same tender attention you give your daughter, self love will be a result, not a cause. So be patient, it takes time to let the tender shoots of love grow strong within our heart. Like within any relationship, love is something that grows as we communicate and spend time together… so keep at it!

With warmth,
Matt