Dear Anita,

I took the time to read through this carefully and am now able to understand and respond in a calm, thought through manner.

1. I would agree that this sexual experience of mine with a step cousin didn’t really impact me at the time or later on in life. I hardly ever think about it nowadays, if at all. The only reason I have made a reference to it is because I’m looking for past troubles or traumas to explain my problems and ways of thinking right now. I don’t feel as if my innocence was taken away and there wasn’t really a trauma as a result, just some insecurities that people would find out or whatever.

2. I think the son-mother reason is probably the cause of my pain right now. Although I thought I got over it, or forgot about it, I don’t believe I did. I think I repressed my feelings towards it at the time because my mother was becoming tired of me being controlling and concerned about her every action which led to her impatience and I feared that. I remember her telling me I was going to have to stop the behavior, and I became scared and probably repressed my feelings and tried to forget in fear that she would stop loving me or would lead to more trouble.

Although I have never viewed my relationship with my mother in the Freud way, I can see how that would have made sense when I was younger and in competition with my step father when he first came around. I know that I would try to gain attention and would kick my walls at night and such because I was upset, as my parents told me. I do remember though always thinking about their sexual relations and I would be in my room at night thinking they were having sex or something, and it just caused me so much distress.

After reading some about the Oedipus Complex, I am realizing that in my current relationship it’s as if I’m seeking to gain control, pursuing a goal that will never actually bring me satisfaction. I notice that I want to have complete control over my girlfriend’s sexuality and what she does with regard to her body, how she shows it off, etc. I’m prioritizing sex over intimacy for this reason, similar to something I read about the Oedipus Complex and complications later on in life with adult intimate relationships. Whether it’s sex or being the best I can be (being fit or attractive or making lots of money), I constantly feel this pressure to impress or strive for something, and I don’t know why. Usually in a relationship, you grow closer and those temporary mood boosters begin to diminish.

This is all I have for now, but let me know what you think and how I can go about solving this issue.

Scott

Dear Anita,

I can understand how these factors could lead to my obsession and that this child experience I had could be a strong factor in the way I think and feel.

The thing about this sexual encounter with a step cousin is that we stayed in the same bed together when family visited and he would tell me sexual stories which then led to him gradually asking to do stuff to him. We did stuff together (just by hands and mouth), but at the same time, I’ve always been a sexually driven being and this did not feel wrong at the time; he also explained that it wasn’t “gay”. I didn’t necessarily feel abused at the time; I was more afraid of getting into trouble if parents found out. Eventually he did confess, because he had similar circumstances with someone older than him or something. I then did counseling to go over what was right and wrong and how I was innocent and that I wasn’t gay. I never did feel gay, but I never wanted anyone to know what I had done. It made me insecure about people saying anything about sex because I had experienced sexual things before. I never got to grow up with the innocence of learning about sexuality and what not, because I had different thoughts; my insecurities. From then on, I had a strong drive to end up with woman to prove to myself something; that I was straight.

The part with my mother involves the time around puberty when the books started coming out about becoming a man and stuff and when going through a book it mentioned “oral sex, vaginal sex, and anal sex”. And for some reason I ended up asking my mom if she had sex with my step dad and when she told me she had, it set me into this spiral of sadness and sickness, for a reason I don’t know. I then wanted to have control over her and would always have her promise me she wouldn’t do anything with my step dad, also a reason I don’t quite understand. After going back to counseling and learning about normal relationships and how sex happens between people that love each other or whatever, I slowly started to grow out of this. At some point, I think I decided to grow up and become more independent as I was slowly approaching puberty. So I remember locking the door when I showered or not changing in front of my parents or bathing in front of my mom anymore. Just some things you start to do as you get older.

Dear Anita,

I have these thoughts and worries about her ending up in another circumstance like this but I also feel this could not happen because she is deeply in love with me and wants her future with me. We have talked about circumstances with drinking and she claims she would never do anything stupid to hurt me. It’s just that I’ve seen her drunk and she just seems to lose control and there have been times where she has been kind of flashy with her body parts (I don’t think it’s on purpose, but more so something a girl would do around her friends to be funny).  It has made me resentful toward her when it comes to drinking and I also feel more picky and judgemental about what she wears because of this, as if I’m trying to prevent this “slutty” behavior or appearance.

I also understand the nature of males and females and the desire to be with a mate for the sake of offspring. I think I’m overly attached in this way because of my parents being divorced and for some time I was very upset with my mom for being with my step dad and I would think that they weren’t supposed to have sexual relations or that she didn’t love me as much. It’s weird that I thought this, but a little bit of sexual abuse occurred when I was younger with a step cousin on the other side of the family (step moms family). It created these weird beliefs about relationships that I don’t totally understand, but makes me feel accusing in relationships.

I can’t quite remember what you had posted before but I think maybe it had to do with my fear of losing her or thinking of her negatively because anxiety prepares you for danger in that way. I tend to become angry sometimes and feel that I don’t need her as a way of defending myself. It shouldn’t be this way because I love her though.

Scott

Dear Anita,

It’s easy for us to pick at each other and I don’t know why. It’s like a defense mechanism. If she is critical towards me, it’s hard not to hold a grudge against her, as I mentioned resentment is slowly building up.

But I would agree. I’ll have fun with what I can but I’m not going to set anything in stone. I’m considering even letting her know how I feel about her actions and negativity towards me at times and mentioning that I have thoughts about ending the relationship. Not as a threat, but a way to show her how much it’s starting to take a toll on me. She sometimes lacks the gratitude and appreciation and I’ll tell you what, it can be painful for how much you do.

Dear Anita,

I would agree that it is her responsibility to be loving and not so critical. As I am doing my own part I should not have to take care of her myself.  I wonder if she has had bad experiences in the past which lead her to be more attacking towards me and I wonder if I need to address this. I can be very understanding, but it can be frustrating to try to help someone that only makes the situation more difficult. Sometimes I think she is this way because she values the relationship so much, but if she truly loves me and wants a future together, then why would she act in this way.

Part of me wonders if this is how she got her way growing up in her family. Her parents realize when she acts in this way towards me or when she seems upset. I wonder if she will grow out of this or this is something long-term and that cannot be changed. The scary thing is I want a good marriage in the future and as much as I like this girl it’s really hard to say whether or not she is the one. I would really like for her to change but then again it is not my responsibility.  The waiting part is what makes this hard, because part of me is persistent and optimistic, but I realize there’s only so much time and I have responsibilities myself.

Is  it possible for people to change or are some people stuck as they are? It’s very hard to judge how much she is willing to change. When we are together and she is loving she apologizes for being mean. Although she apologizes, the behavior rarely seems to change. There is a part of me that believes unless somebody goes through a life experience, a hardship, they do not have reason to change. We have talked before and she claims she has never had anything hard in her life, but I have. I have realized tough times make us more aware of ourselves, our actions, our behavior, our thoughts and how we go about doing things.

Dear Anita,

The information provided above is super helpful and I appreciate the thorough response.

Yes, I would agree that women can be troubling at times with their moods and desire for men to mind read. I’m going to do what you said though, and that is only do what I CAN do. If provided the information and the need for help, I will do so willingly, but I will no longer be a victim of “playing games” so that she can get what she wants. The trouble is being a “nicer” person, and more of a helper (selflessness), it is easy to want to give all the help you can. I’m just going to have to monitor her responses and think through what I need to say.

I’m also finding that sometimes the slower I respond, aka the more time I give her to think and add, the better it is for me. It allows for me to no longer be the entertainer and the constant, run down thinker. It also gives me back some power in this relationship.

When you speak about our differences and my ability to examine and understand at my so called higher frequency, it reminds me of how she does in fact sort of follow my lead. I have noticed she imitates my behavior to a certain degree. I notice that she will pick up on my terminology and actions, so I will just have to be careful with my behavior towards her. Ultimately, girls want someone to lead for them and make the decisions, which is much harder being away, but I will continue to work on staying present and not thinking too much about little things. If she ever wants to be upset or annoyed with me, that’s on her, I shouldn’t feel bad, which in most cases I feel empathetic which leads to the cycle of me wanting to help and only get pushed away.

So thank you Anita for those responses. Do you have any suggestions for how I can better handle her very “strong” beliefs and opinions. She is very set in stone about what she believes in and what she likes and doesn’t like. Her attitude about things sometimes when we talk can be overpowering and can be upsetting for me. She’s very competitive and likes to have her way with things, and being a nicer person it can be easy to give in for these reasons of hers. What can I do to strengthen my independence and stand up for myself. For the most part, I’m a pretty laidback person, only angered by constant stress, but sometimes I want to snap at her for her criticism or judgements towards me.

Dear Anita,

Thanks for the response before bed, hope you rest well. I think what causes her annoyance is partially being away from me as summer involves working and not much entertainment. I see it as an outlet for her boredom or insecurity. On the other hand, I think that my anxiety and “nice guy” habits can annoy her when I probe too much for information or ask her to open up so I can understand her. Lately it just seems like she has been in this annoyed state and it’s like I’m pulling all the weight. It’s like I have to start the conversations and send long enough messages or questions to elaborate on for her to stay responding. It’s hard to know what she is thinking when annoyed because when I ask all she says is “I don’t know, I just get annoyed”. She doesn’t really offer any helpful input, which is frustrating for me.

I sometimes feel like a parent in that I’m always the one cheering her up or being logical about something or telling her something she doesn’t know because it’s obvious I’m more intelligent than her. And by baby I mean that when we’re together she is super lovey and touchy and clings to me and becomes so sweet. So when we separate and she doesn’t sound or act like this I’m left confused.

Dear Anita,

I’m going to work on limiting my time on social media as well as eliminate the persistency in which I check my phone. I think I will try disabling notifications on my lock screen so that I don’t always feel obligated to pull my phone out of my pocket and check for a message or snapchat. The reason I sometimes feel so obligated to check is because I feel like I could get in “trouble” or “upset” my girlfriend by not responding quickly enough if the message is important or something. I will just have to work on avoiding pleasing her in that way and will have to communicate my reasoning.

I definitely can now understand what you mean by the dance of anxiety. It changes course at each end of the spectrum and the momentum never stops. I will be positive and then negative for as long as the day goes on. I want to so badly find a stable ground, where there is balance and less judgement and more understanding. I don’t want to look at my girlfriend as “perfect” or as a “salvation” but I also don’t want intrusive thoughts about her sexual past or things she has said/done that I interpreted as negative in the past.

There is nothing I want more than to find peace and clarity and a sense of calm. I need to be able to focus on my schoolwork because there is a long road ahead.