Hi ShesaRainbow

I’m on the other side of this at the moment. I feel like I have been abused by my ex really badly (physically, financially, emotionally etc) and she claims I abused her also. I feel like she never takes responsibility for problems and she would not attend counselling, when I was ready to, without a problem. I have no problem with anyone hearing about our relationship and telling me if I was wrong, or if I potentially abused situations. I want to learn and grow as a person.

I am feeling tremendous guilt also. Friends & family say not to, that I am finally free. I completely understand where you are coming from. I’m trying to work through this guilt in counselling but it is very difficult. Part of me has a vision for how I want my future to look, a nice down to earth lady with less emphasis on looks and more on personality. But even thinking like that wracks me with guilt when I think of my ex probably struggling financially, emotionally and even though she physically assaulted me and her daughter a number of times over a long period of time, I still feel that guilt.

Guilt can be very difficult. Like Anita said, I am trying to discover if that guilt was in me before I met my ex. I just do not know. But I am going to persevere. I need to know. I’m glad you posted this message as it helps me see others have the exact same problem, even after splitting from someone whom they believe is abusive and can do no wrong.

Sean.

@trisha

Thank You. I have read a lot about parenting, completed courses on parenting & always try to observe others. I agree about the counselling – her not wanting to go looks like she has a lot to hide & she does know that she has problems but will not face up to it.

I am not in a position to suggest anything about her parenting skills any more. The only communication now is around our Son.

I do hope that like you, I go on to meet someone new and enjoy life going forward, but aged 42, meeting someone is going to be difficult. But here’s hoping that it can be done.

Sean

@trisha

I am from Ireland 🙂 Close enough.

My parents both did what they could too. All these years on, my Mother still sees herself as relatively blameless for the rows. I listen, but don’t agree with her. I can remember both having good & bad points. For example, my Dad bought an item that he would use to make extra money for years. When he bought it, my mum described it as ‘his new toy’. I think back now & see that as very disrespectful. He used to make false allegations against her from the time they were going out together. In a lot of ways both were very immature (they were both 20 when I was conceived). But like you say, they did their best with the tools they had.

I am doing the best I can now, but my little boy is 3. I have to face challenges as he grows up. His mother has many more years of experience than me as a parent but I am not sure it is all good. For example, she has had long term relationships with 4 men including her daughter’s Dad since her 16 year old was born. Is everyone else wrong in that case? The girl has had no stability and when my ex recently raised that point in a row, I had enough courage to speak up & say that a lot of the instability was before I came into her life and she carried on with the instability with me. I am not blameless, but there has been one common denominator.

What I was trying to do was provide a stable family environment for us all to live. But my ex seemed to go from being extremely happy to raging & violent in the space of a couple of hours. My guess would be that the instability has continued even though I am no longer there.

I think I am just like any other parent, I just put emphasis on smiling, being gentle, encouraging him to talk, be himself and be proud of who and what he is. I don’t think his sister has had those luxuries and boy did I want her to as she is a lovely young girl, with a lot of good points. Sadly, if someone is focusing on the 10 bad things you do per day and ignoring the 90 great things you do, that affects people and they start to think themselves unworthy of love or respect. I hope my Son will never feel like that, he is too important.

Sean 🙂

I think this is a superb topic and I admire the honesty from the original poster.

My own parents rowed openly in front of my two siblings & I. I had this memory locked away of the three of us on the landing upstairs and a hell of a row raging below. As the row moved towards completion and our tears were subsiding, the three of us were whispering & we were looking through a book with a fox. Anything to escape the madness really. We didn’t say it but the three of us heard silence below, then one of us made a joke about the fox and we were laughing, happy, like POW soldiers in a camp.

Fast forward to my own family & the lady I have a son with was a single mother when I met her. I believe she has BPD/NPD. I spent 8 years with her on & off. I think her mother was not ‘there’ for her when she was a child herself and her father lived in another country to earn money. She told me they marched her out the door at 18 and she had to fend for herself. By 22 she was a mother herself, ditched the father of her child and had a series of broken relationships. Our was fiery, I could never work out why there were so many rows, but I am more aware now.

I have observed her as a parent many times. She has hit her daughter, said horrible nasty things to her. She can be short with our son even though he is 3. I went completely in the other direction. I am probably so aware of my own childhood that I don’t like him seeing any kind of violence, want him to have the best life possible & my way of dealing with his poor behaviour is to slow down & kneel down with him & talk to him. I regularly kiss him, hold him close to my heart (I think a child feels that connection) and try t obuild his self esteem up by saying ‘good boy’ or ‘well done’ if he does tasks like put rubbish in the bin, or is nice to people.

The original poster was extremely honest & I understand how tired a parent can feel. I no longer live with my son, but when I did, it was a lot of work. I never complained about it, but you know that might not be good as venting is good sometimes. My ex vented about everything, but I believe that is more about her suspected personality disorder than being a single parent.

It’s not easy, but I think when you have problematic parents you can go two ways – follow the example they set, or go completely in the other direction. My Dad hit me a couple of times. He was often short tempered and said things that made me feel small. But I love him and admire all he has done for me (college education when he was earning small cash) as has my mum. My Mum sometimes told me what my dad was saying to her in rows & for a 12 year old that was devastating. But you know, it has made me realise that I don’t want that for my son and I want him to be smiling and happy any time he is with me. I correct him, but less vehemently than his Mum. Are either of us right or wrong? No, just different methods I guess and how you were brought up affects how you bring up your kids.

A great topic, Trisha I admire your honesty & bravery.

Hi all,

I am Sean. I recently split with the mother of my Son after 8 years of an on/off relationship. I feel like I put a lot into the relationship and in the end she was violent to me and claimed I ended the relationship. In reality, I left the house as I was afraid of her. When I went back to try to fix the relationship, she would not reconcile.

I have gone from seeing my Son daily, to a few hours a week. It is a massive re-adjustment. Since he was born 2.5 years ago, almost everything else in life took a back seat. The day I saw him first, I didn’t feel a lot but the day after, I woke with these amazing feelings of love, respect, wanting to take care of him and give him the best life I can. I wanted to be with his mother more & more then and she has pushed me away. I found and find that very difficult.

I’m here just to get a different perspective on life. I live in Ireland and since my Son was born I don’t do a lot outside of my time with him. I guess it would be great to get ideas here and opinions and move my life forward. As I am only 42, I am young enough to meet someone new and maybe have a family with them, but it feels like the past is a millstone around my neck. I’ve taken on a lot of guilt from the relationship over the years and I’d dearly love to move away from that and to live life again.

Thanks for listening,

Sean.

Hi Chau,

I am new to this forum and am going through similar. I split with my partner 6 weeks ago. She is 40, I am 42. In the end, she was violent towards me and I left the house after a violent incident. We have a 3 year old son together and she has another girl aged 16. My son was upset about the row and he was crying when he saw me in distress.

Unlike you, I have deleted her on whatsapp and I do not have any of her social media account details. But like you, my mind wanders. On Sunday, I was thinking about her a lot and if she was out meeting people. In the 7 years I know her, her behaviour has been questionable. There have been 4-5 incidents of violence, A lot of emotional abuse and it has laden me down with guilt. After rows, more often than not I’d be blamed and she would rarely say sorry.

I can’t give you a lot of advice, but I do know how you are feeling and I know it is probably killing you. I’m afraid to go out in case I meet my ex with someone else, or that she might be drunk and say things (she threatened this before). I am listening to everything people are saying to me though about being good to myself, giving myself time and breathing space and moving on. In general I agree with what everyone has written here and their advice is sound. But I need to take that advice myself.

I just want you to know someone else knows how you are feeling and how it is affecting you. Despite some poor treatment, I still love this woman, but I am in counselling trying to work out how or why I love her when she has treated me very poorly at times. Is it self esteem issues on my part? Am I scared of being alone? Maybe. I do crave a family, but what good is that family if she reserves the right to hit people in the house and cause huge upset? (She has hit two of us in the house).

I too am hoping for better days ahead, but for now, it is tough, I am taking it literally one day at a time & I think I will never love like that again. But I thought that way before and I did fall in love again. So fingers crossed.

Hopefully, by posting here, it is helping you.

Sean.