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February 6, 2015 at 11:18 am in reply to: Trying to not let my past dictate my present and future, but it isn't working #72452KurtParticipant
I have already shared my experience, but one thing to add. If you are open to it, please take the time to read some of the excellent blog posts on this site about letting go of anger. You have to do what is right for you, so myself and others can’t really tell you what to do. We can only share what has worked for us and others. I felt EXACTLY the same way you do about forgiving my ex. Why should she be forgiven?? She should be apologizing and begging me for forgiveness!! That is what I thought. Focusing on the past, what she did, all of the ways I was wronged, and brooding over how she screwed up and is happy while I did the right thing and my life is a mess….all that did was keep me stuck and prevent me from moving on. None of those thoughts served me in any way whatsoever. You don’t have to tell her or meet with her if you don’t want to, that was a choice I made in MY journey. It worked for me and was a very powerful healing event for both of us. Forgiveness happens in your heart. You can CHOOSE to forgive her and never tell her. The point is to let go of the hurt, anger, resentment and the past so that you can start to heal and live life in the present moment with happiness, joy and love in your heart without the shadow of the past darkening every day.
I am sorry you are going through this, I truly am. I hope you find your own way out soon and are able to live life fully each day! Let go and be free!February 6, 2015 at 8:14 am in reply to: Trying to not let my past dictate my present and future, but it isn't working #72446KurtParticipant
Your post really resonated with me. Until recently, I WAS you. I was filled with anger, rage and resentment towards my ex who had lied, cheated and then left. She was making all kinds of positive changes and moving on in her life and was happier than she had been in many years. I was hurt, angry, jealous, pissed off and vowed I could never forgive her.
My anger and resentment took up most of my energy in life and left little room for anything good like happiness, laughter, connections with people, friendships, work, etc. I blamed her for all of my problems. As a result, by the end of the year last year, I was exhausted and miserable. I had been told repeatedly that forgiving her would help me, but I didn’t want to let go. My anger was familiar, I was attached to it. I still am not sure why, but one day about a month ago I woke up and decided I didn’t want to be angry anymore. That my anger wasn’t helping me. In fact it was slowly killing me. Figuratively and literally. So I made a decision to let it go and I started to do just that. Honestly, I was unprepared for what happened next. First, it felt like I had just put down a 300 pound weight. Next, without my anger, I can now see things so much more clearly than I have in years. Anger and rage are blinding. I see things about myself, choices that I have made that have brought me to where I am. It has been very humbling. There were many things she did that were wrong and hurtful, but also many things I should have done differently. She has not been the cause of my misery. I have been making myself miserable with what I have chosen to think about and focus on. About a week and a half ago, I met with her and told her that I forgave her for all of the lies and the affair. I also acknowledged many of the things that I did that contributed to the demise of our marriage and I apologized to her for those. I can honestly tell you, it has been one of the best things I have ever done for MYSELF in my life. It is so liberating to let go of it. I am now able to focus my energy on improving myself and getting back to being me. The person I truly am, not the negative rage filled person I had become. It has improved my relationships with my kids, my family, my friends and made co-parenting easier with my ex. I have a long way to go to heal completely, but it is getting better and easier every day now.
Everyone has their own journey they are on. I was holding onto anger to protect myself from being hurt again. If this sounds like you, i would encourage you to make a conscious decision to let go. Not for her, but for you. I wasn’t ready or willing to do this for a long time, so I know how hard it is to do. God, I wish I would have done this years ago!!!! I wasn’t ready. My guess it that at some point you won’t be willing to live like this anymore and you will want to change. I hope it is soon for you. Let it go and be free my friend. Then be prepared to work on becoming your positive self again. As some other people mentioned, you owe it to yourself and your kids!!