Now I have to make a decision, for college.. when I don’t even know who I am or my true nature. I don’t know how to feel comfortable in my own skin or connect with people. But have to decide my career. It’s so overwhelming.

I was a kid who wanted to be free to express who I am but was too afraid. Other kids saw my fear and took advantage of that and made me a punching bag for 3 years. My parents were too stressed to care. Once the bullying stopped, my mental health was in such a shitty place, I hated myself more than I ever had. And now my body was growing; I tried to sit comfortably in the cafeteria and make friends, but the anxiety had grown so strong. It felt like everyone was looking at me and I couldn’t shake it. I tried to make friends but I felt no connection to anyone, and if I did, I would be so anxious I couldn’t stand to be around them and for someone to think I was “gay.” The suppressing my fear of myself and all my emotions for most of my childhood caught up with me. So I went on meds. And more meds. Came out as gay. And become a straight A student. Until I broke down. And broke down again. More therapy. More and more. Until I became dependent on weed. Would chase chaos. college parties that were pretending to have fun. sex and relations with men who made my gut feeling hurt. Jobs where I thought would make me happy but didn’t. Still empty. Late nights with men who I could express my femininity with, but I was treated/treated myself into this fetish, hyper sexual trans package for them. I would smoke weed, drink, take sleeping pills all at the same time and meet up with guys. The lines of consent got muddy a few times, basically. I was falling asleep while he did the things he did. Or I just didn’t even wanna do it, I just wanted to be seen and loved for who I am.

its been a painful existence. I want to be a success story but how am I supposed to do that when I keep getting in my own way?

Thank you for saying all that. I feel like I’m being seen by you – an experience I’ve only had a handful of times in my life. So thank you so much for that. You’re so right about all that.

I once felt an emotional connection to a boy a couple years ago and all the anxiety and depression literally disappeared in those moments. When that ended, it’s like my life did too.

I also lived away for 2 years and experienced a slight decrease in inner turmoil at an out-of-city college, but my past trauma, fears to express myself/femininity and walls built-up made it only moderately different than being in my home. My friendships were surface level. When I would put glitter on my eyelids and smile at the lady at the coffeeshop across the street, that was a pleasant moment.

I would love to communicate with you. Enough about the past, though. I’m here to embrace the now. It seems almost impossible to find people to connect and express with in this time during COVID. That’s what feels like my roadblock. My gut feeling is telling me maybe people at a job will connect with me, but my brain/body is so scrambled and pumped up, a job seems out of reach.

I’m not sure how this forum works. Do we reply to each other on here?

Sean