October 18, 2020 at 6:38 pm #367913
I am afraid of my emotions. The fear, anger, sadness loop. Nothing else. Nothing ever happens. I do the same things every day. I can’t seem to fight the cycle. Suppress, avoid, deny, distract, every day since I was a kid. I’ve had several mental breakdowns. Got to emergency room 3 years in a row for being so stressed out. It’s been going on for decades now. I’m exhausted. My emotions are extremely unpleasant – my heart is racing, my vision is spotting from anxiety/stress/trauma, my chest is heavy. I either feel that or I feel nothing, numb.
These are the surface level reasons: I don’t know who I am, I have an addiction to the internet/porn/junk food since I was a kid. Bullied as a kid for being “gay”. My parents were too stressed to deal with me/meet my needs and put on 20 different medications. I went to juvy when I was 17 for breaking everything in their house; for not protecting me from constant childhood bullying and forcing me to take medication. I became addicted to substances when I was 18. I medically transitioned genders when I was 19, felt some relief in my anxiety; felt like I didn’t fit into being the box of a woman, detransitioned -> back to square one. I started having sex with older guys, it was creepy and eventually sexually assaulted when I was 21.
Now: I don’t know who I am at all, I try to express it, my gender expression, but every time I do, I have a mental breakdown. I was treated poorly in the suburbs as a kid. I never feel relief. I was arrested in this house. I am stuck in this house, I feel horrible. I have no job to get out of here. My therapist is an older man who doesn’t know anything about LGBT things. It takes me 4 hours in the morning to wash my face and brush my teeth and shower. I use porn 5 times a day.
I don’t know if there’s any way to feel better. I have had so much false hope. My family are so suppressive of their emotions and so am I. I cannot speak any words of emotions without my sister yelling at me.
I want to scream and cry. But I have to hold it in so my sister doesn’t yell at me. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been to the mental hospital every winter and just pumped with drugs to “feel better” for 3 months then the process keeps going on. I can’t do this.
I don’t know if there’s any way to feel better. I’ve “tried” every quick fix, get a job, make friends. Still felt emotionally numb. I never go to have a childhood. My organs feel like they’re shutting down from how anxious I am right now. This is horrible.October 18, 2020 at 7:59 pm #367933
I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.
anitaOctober 19, 2020 at 9:13 am #367945
You shared that as a kid, in the neighborhood, you were bullied “for being ‘gay’.. constant childhood bullying”. Your parents did not protect you from that constant bullying, neither did they attend to your emotional needs otherwise.
At home, emotional suppression was a rule that your parents set, and your way of life was to “Suppress, avoid, deny, distract, every day since I was a kid”. Fast forward, as an adult, you still live in your parents’ home. This is your current experience there: “My family are so suppressive of their emotions and so am I. I cannot speak any words of emotions without my sister yelling at me. I want to scream and cry. But I have to hold it in so my sister doesn’t yell at me”.
The way your parents dealt with your childhood distress was to repeatedly take you to a mental hospital, and “forcing me to take medication”, 20 different psychiatric medications; “I’ve had several mental breakdowns. Got to emergency room 3 years in a row for being so stressed out. It’s been going on for decades now… I’ve been to the mental hospital every winter and just pumped with drugs to ‘feel better’ for 3 months then the process keeps going on”.
Since childhood, you’ve been addicted to junk food, the internet and to porn. At 17, you broke everything in your parents’ house, arrested and spent time in a juvenile detention center. At 19, you became addicted to substances, and you “medically transitioned genders”- to a woman. Feeling uncomfortable, you detransitioned back to being a man. You then “started having sex with older guys” and at 21 you were sexually assaulted.
After transitioning to a woman, you felt “some relief in my anxiety”, but later, you felt that you “didn’t fit into the box of a woman”, so you reversed the transition. When you had sex with older guy, if felt creepy (“it was creepy”). Currently, every time you express your gender expression, you have a mental breakdown (“I try to express it, my gender expression, but every time I do, I have a mental breakdown”).
Currently, you live with your parents, and with your sister. You do not have a job, and you feel “stuck in this house”. You take four hours in the mornings to wash your face, brush your teeth and shower, and you “use porn 5 times a day”. You see a therapist, “an older man who doesn’t know anything about LGBT things”.
More about your current emotional experience: “I am afraid of my emotions. The fear, anger, sadness… Nothing ever happens. I do the same things every day…. being so stressed out. It’s been going on for decades now. I’m exhausted. My emotions are extremely unpleasant- my heart is racing, my vision is spotting from anxiety/ stress/ trauma, my chest is heavy. I either feel that or I feel nothing, numb… I don’t know who I am at all… I am stuck in this house, I feel horrible… I don’t know if there’s a way to feel better… I want to scream and cry… I can’t do this anymore.. “I’ve ‘tried’ every quick fix, get a job, make friends. Still felt emotionally numb… My organs feel like they’re shutting down from how anxious I am right now”.
And now, my input: you wrote that your therapist “doesn’t know anything about LGBT things”. It would have helped if he did, but it would have helped more if he knew (does he?) more about the basic need of every human being (every human if any and every sexual orientation and gender expression)- and that is the need to connect and express.
Before you were sexual, before you discovered porn, before you read LGBT literature… before all that, you were a human, a social animal, born with the intense and uncompromising need to connect to others and express to others. This very early, very basic, very human need of yours was not met at your home. Every social animal whose social needs to connect and express are not met- becomes sick.
When a social animal does not connect and express, the animal is stuck in a state between life and death: dreadfully isolated, going back and forth between intense anxiety and numbness. Emotions unexpressed/ suppressed turn around and around in the brain, increasing in intensity, like winds growing into hurricanes. Certain chemicals are released in the brain and in the body (neurotransmitters, hormones), causing those very unpleasant experiences that you mentioned (“so stressed out.. my heart is racing”, etc.).
There is a rule in your house: to not connect and to not express anything that is unpleasant to your parents. Reads like your sister is enforcing your parents’ rule by yelling at you when she perceives that you are expressing or about to express something that will be unpleasant to her parents.
There is a whole lot in your original post, and if you want to, we can communicate about what you shared over a period of time, lots to talk about.. before you get to know who you are (“I don’t know who I am at all”). The place to start to get to know who you are is in the basics of what is true to all human beings, and that is the human need to connect and express.
anitaOctober 19, 2020 at 8:27 pm #367980
Thank you for saying all that. I feel like I’m being seen by you – an experience I’ve only had a handful of times in my life. So thank you so much for that. You’re so right about all that.
I once felt an emotional connection to a boy a couple years ago and all the anxiety and depression literally disappeared in those moments. When that ended, it’s like my life did too.
I also lived away for 2 years and experienced a slight decrease in inner turmoil at an out-of-city college, but my past trauma, fears to express myself/femininity and walls built-up made it only moderately different than being in my home. My friendships were surface level. When I would put glitter on my eyelids and smile at the lady at the coffeeshop across the street, that was a pleasant moment.
I would love to communicate with you. Enough about the past, though. I’m here to embrace the now. It seems almost impossible to find people to connect and express with in this time during COVID. That’s what feels like my roadblock. My gut feeling is telling me maybe people at a job will connect with me, but my brain/body is so scrambled and pumped up, a job seems out of reach.
I’m not sure how this forum works. Do we reply to each other on here?
SeanOctober 20, 2020 at 8:47 am #367997
You are welcome. It felt good, for me, to read that you felt being seen by me. Thank you for letting me know that.
“I once felt an emotional connection to a boy.. and all the anxiety and depression literally disappeared in those moments. When that ended, it’s like my life did too”- an amazing testimony to how indeed Connecting = Calm/ Feeling Alive. Disconnected= Anxiety and Depression.
You shared that you lived away from home for two years and experienced only “a slight decrease in inner turmoil”, and you wrote: “I would love to communicate with you. Enough about the past, though. I’m here to embrace the now”-
– Until and unless we resolve the past, we take it with us wherever we go. I understand that living at home still, as you do, you want to distract yourself from your home-life/ the past. You want a Now that is different, a Now where you feel alive, free from that inner turmoil. But I am not here to provide only a distraction. I am here to slowly, gently, help you take the first step, or second step, to resolve the past that fuels your inner turmoil.
“I’m not sure how this forum works. Do we reply to each other on here?”- we can. You can post at any time and when I am at the computer (which has been every day for years), I will read from you and reply. Other members may reply to you as well. You can always start a new thread if you want, a new title, new category. There are certain guidelines to the forums, you can find those if you click “FORUMS” at the top of the page.
anitaOctober 20, 2020 at 2:03 pm #368011
I know what you said about the past it’s true. It’s been repeating itself for years and years and years for me.
I just don’t know the next step, how to resolve the past. Or I do, but I’m afraid. Of repeating the same past pattern. And that it’ll just keep repeating. So I do nothing most of the time.
I’m so far away from where I want to be that it feels like a dense empty/numb fog that I’ve been living in for so so long. I meditate and journal, and therapy, but this is to cope, this will not free me or bring me peace, I know that as a fact. I know I want to feel connected to myself – but in the past, when I tried to express who I am, I got shut down so many times that I closed off for years, being completely numb with antidepressants/internet/porn and now; I’ve got to start or I’ll waste more and more time in my life. I’m 23 but am frozen at 14. With the same unresolved emotional issues. I’m so tired, I’ve almost ended it all many times. I want to be free And happy but I’m scared. I’m scared to live with regret and not change even more. It’s horrifying.October 20, 2020 at 2:12 pm #368013
I was a kid who wanted to be free to express who I am but was too afraid. Other kids saw my fear and took advantage of that and made me a punching bag for 3 years. My parents were too stressed to care. Once the bullying stopped, my mental health was in such a shitty place, I hated myself more than I ever had. And now my body was growing; I tried to sit comfortably in the cafeteria and make friends, but the anxiety had grown so strong. It felt like everyone was looking at me and I couldn’t shake it. I tried to make friends but I felt no connection to anyone, and if I did, I would be so anxious I couldn’t stand to be around them and for someone to think I was “gay.” The suppressing my fear of myself and all my emotions for most of my childhood caught up with me. So I went on meds. And more meds. Came out as gay. And become a straight A student. Until I broke down. And broke down again. More therapy. More and more. Until I became dependent on weed. Would chase chaos. college parties that were pretending to have fun. sex and relations with men who made my gut feeling hurt. Jobs where I thought would make me happy but didn’t. Still empty. Late nights with men who I could express my femininity with, but I was treated/treated myself into this fetish, hyper sexual trans package for them. I would smoke weed, drink, take sleeping pills all at the same time and meet up with guys. The lines of consent got muddy a few times, basically. I was falling asleep while he did the things he did. Or I just didn’t even wanna do it, I just wanted to be seen and loved for who I am.
its been a painful existence. I want to be a success story but how am I supposed to do that when I keep getting in my own way?October 20, 2020 at 2:14 pm #368014
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Recently I took up journaling about fears – and then meditation after. It helps. But I still feel afraid and angry. And numb with meds that I can’t seem to get off after 8 years. It’s just so difficult. I don’t wanna die like this.</p>October 20, 2020 at 2:16 pm #368015
Now I have to make a decision, for college.. when I don’t even know who I am or my true nature. I don’t know how to feel comfortable in my own skin or connect with people. But have to decide my career. It’s so overwhelming.October 20, 2020 at 2:30 pm #368016
I read the first of your y recent few posts, but I am not focused enough to thoroughly reply, it being later in the day for me. As I read, the thought occurred to me that you cannot resolve the past while the past keeps re-occurring, that is, you live with your parents and sister who still suppress your emotions/ yell at you. One step toward resolving the past is no longer living in the same physical circumstances as in the past.
You can add a post anytime, with any information that you think is relevant. When I return to your thread, probably in about 16 hours from now, I will respond to the recent posts and to any post you may add before I return.
October 20, 2020 at 3:01 pm #368020
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by anita.
Totally understandable. I’m in a moment of fear and anxiety so I word vomited. I apologize. Well, I don’t apologize because it’s my truth but I hope I didn’t overwhelm you. See you in 16 hours.
and – I’ve considered moving out many times – but don’t have a job, am stuck as a student. And I’m mentally miserable and dysregulated. But that’s 50% because I’m here. So it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. I need to leave though. I need to figure out how. I don’t want to leave and then come back again (hell no) so that’s why I didn’t rush to move out. But you’re right.October 20, 2020 at 4:08 pm #368022
You didn’t overwhelm me, not at all. Be back in about 14 hours.
anitaOctober 21, 2020 at 9:35 am #368048
In your recent posts you shared that as a kid, you were used as “a punching bag for 3 years”, bullied primarily for appearing feminine/ assumed to be gay. Once the bullying stopped, you hated yourself more than ever, and your anxiety was intense and ongoing.
You were a straight A student, “came out as gay”, then broke down, had more therapy, became dependent on weed, attended “college parties that were pretending to have fun, sex and relations with men who made my gut feeling hurt… I would smoke weed, drink, take sleeping pills all at the same time and meet up with guys”, “The lines of consent got muddy a few times.. I was falling asleep while he did the things he did. Or I just didn’t even wanna do it, I just wanted to be seen and loved for who I am”, you were a “hyper sexual trans package” to men.
You are 23, “frozen at 14, with the same unresolved emotional issues”, “the past.. been repeating itself for years and years and years”; you are “so far from where I want to be.. I want to be free and happy”, that you are “afraid.. So I do nothing most of the time.. scared.. It’s horrifying… And numb with meds that I can’t seem to get off after 8 years”. You had a few jobs, but none filled your emptiness, you are currently unemployed.
“Now I have to make a decision, for college.. when I don’t even know who I am or my true nature”-
– I think that I can help you know your true nature because you clearly shared what it is, and what is not. First, what it is not: the kids who bullied you, bullied you because you appeared feminine and because they thought you were gay. These two things I italicized are superficial elements, not core elements of your true nature. You were painfully bullied, and you suffered tremendously because of these superficial elements of your nature.
Because these are only superficial elements of your nature, the following did not resolve your suffering: transitioning from male to female, re-transitioning back to male, coming out as gay, expressing your femininity, joining college same-sex parties, having sexual encounters with men, and using porn daily.
Your core true nature is indicated in these words: “I once felt an emotional connection to a boy a couple years ago and all the anxiety and depression literally disappeared in those moments… My friendships were surface level… I would love to communicate with you… It seems almost impossible to find people to connect and express… I want to feel connected to myself… to be free to express who I am… I just wanted to be seen and loved for who I am”-
– you always wanted to be seen and loved for who you are. But expressing your femininity is not expressing your core true nature, neither is having sex with men, nor is it appearing male or female. A “hyper sexual trans package” is definitely not who you are at your core, if at all. Men who see you as a hyper-sexual-trans-package do not see you as you truly are any more than your parents, your sister, or the kids who bullied you.
You are a person who wants to connect deeply with others, to be valued and respected by others; a person who needs to be seen and loved for being a loving and lovable person.
In your core, you are loving and lovable: you love and you want to be loved. Loving others and needing to be loved in return (seen, valued and respected) is what your core is about.
In the sexual context, you need to be loved first, that is, to be valued, not as a sex object, or a package, but as a person with feelings, needs and values. You value love and you don’t value sex when it is empty of love.
I will stop here, for now, not because I have nothing else to add, but because better communicate in smaller portions.
anitaOctober 21, 2020 at 12:35 pm #368061
I hear you, you’re right about that all. I guess it’s just hard to love in the suburbs, alone in my house, during a pandemic. Or that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I feel the pushback every time I try to be seen in this neighbourhood and I shut down. But the expression of myself around others and being seen, accepted and loved makes my anxiety fade. It always has, it’s clicking; Thank you for re-affirming this for me. I wanna find those loving people. I don’t know where they are right now. I think I should make plans to move out.October 21, 2020 at 12:39 pm #368062
Often times, I would reach out and attempt to make friends, almost as a way to escape myself, well not almost. And those people would abandon me after a few months because I would say the wrong thing. Not wanting to let myself be fully seen with them. And facing the consequences. I have always felt disconnected from me and intended to stay that way. It’s killing me now. I’m emotionally, physically bankrupt. I can’t live a life of solitude any longer but I’m scared to reach out. The fear has a grip on me but I know it’s me that’s the watcher of it and has control of my actions. It’s not my fault for the things I did when I was in that reactive state.